Mini Break

Coming soon (somewhere in the months of May and June)

Vipassana Chronicles IV & V
The story of moby dick I & II
Sivamma

For now, I am either running out of juices or being too busy with my
personal and professional life.

I love you.

Love (lack of)

In ecstasy the heart is beating,
Old joys for it anew revive;
Inspired and God-filled, it is greeting
The fire, and tears, and love alive.

Alexander Pushkin

Although I hide it
My love shows in my face
So plainly that he asks me,
"Are you thinking of something?"

Taira no Kanemori

Covenants are killed
and Halo is Destroyed.
The world is saved.

Through it, the
Master Chief silently
ate the loneliness and
burned a hole in his heart.
Its a hush hush now that he
is a rebel at Spartan 117.

All that the mighty Chief
asked for is a little love,
a little sun shine and
a companion. So far, he
got none.

Smiley

Couple of weeks

Lots of stuff I wanted to write but ended up not writing.

Feb 24-27: I attended a summit in Bangalore called ‘Young Indians’ Summit
organized by CII ( Confederation of Indian Industries). The Chief Mentor of
CII made every one (seven hundred of us, entrepreneurs, defense men,
professionals, heads and elected members) of us to hold the hands of the ones
sitting next and make a pledge,Together we will transform India.

The summit was basically a get together for like minded ones. The attendees
were a lot of 'who is who' from different fields. The presentations were eye
openers and the questions asked were smart. I felt a tinge of pride
(about myself) for whatever difference I tried to make, despite all the odds.
At the end of the summit I got a little emotional and in my return journey
I thought of a post called The Great Indian Journey.

Mar 2: We had a monthly sales meet and later decided to exit from couple of
products. One of them a highly 'concept oriented' and a 'socially responsible'
and 'environmental friendly' product. Around twelve months back I had put
my heart and soul into this product. I had the rare opportunity to meet the
inventor (?) of the product, a Japanese professor (a Mr. Higa) and wanted to
truly transform India. How we failed is a typical 'Only in India' case study.
It was a painful and at the end an absolutely hilarious journey. I thought of
doing a post about called 'A pig ate our project'. It was an interesting
journey. This product took me to the gullies of Calcutta to dumps of twin
cities to the fresh water aqua culture in Goa to the highlands in Lunavala to the
ministers of the state to the Pune Municipal corporation.

Mar 3: A loan from a bank for which we fought with red tape for four long
months got finally sanctioned. The ifs and buts and the cheats and tricks
were truly amazing. It was a marvelous insight into what we regularly term
as 'The System'. ue to obvious concerns I cant comment much on it, but
wanted to do a post called 'The Great Indian Bank trick'.

Mar 5,6: I finally got myself an apartment. The next day I bought so much
stuff that my wallet and all my bank accounts are exhausted. The good thing
about the whole thing was all the decisions were made in a 'Blink'.
Here is the stuff I bought in a span of 24 hours.

• HPPocketPC h6365
• LG 44" Projection TV
• Onkyo 5.1 speaker surround sound system.
• LG DVD Player
• LG amplifier
• Micorwave oven
• Refrigerator
• A Kurl on deluxe bed
• A cot.

Still pending:

• Two bean bags
• One recliner
• A nice DVD collection
• A girl friend
  

Mar 7,8: A close friend of mine met with a deadly accident. (A head on collision
in the early hours. He started early because he learned that his grand father
expired. So he started off to his native). His kid and cousins ended up with
bloody heads and he ended up with a broken rib and a trashed car. The whole
day was just that. The kid was a little shocked and never stopped crying. They
gave him anesthesia to get a proper head scan. Later they put him under
observation. (plugs attached to the body and mask to the head). When I went
to visit the kid, the kid was in a playful mood. He started shooting me with the
electrode attached to his index finger. I, ofcourse, chose to fall down instead
of dodging and shooting back.
At the end of the day I got a call that my grandma expired. I started off
immdediately to my native. I am just back this morning. My grandma is
legendary stuff (truly). She is simply larger than life in her region. She died a
peaceful (slightly pitiable) death. Large crowds and adulation were norm to her.
She faced every fathomable obstacle. We family together mourned. It was a
good experience(?). Ideologically we differed. But I always had respect for her.
She always treated me a little special. Used to address me as 'Little Krishna'. In
the train, while coming back, obviously I entertained the train of thoughts
about death and life. I wanted to do posts called 'Celebration of life' and
'The art of giving'.

Sweetie Leela, can you freelance for me from Dubai? I need to get all this stuff
out of my head.

Ghost busters

Its quiet hot in here, my brother-in-law Bil suddenly announced.
Yeah I know, I said wiping my forehead with my palm.
We are dead tonight. Bil.

I vacated my apartment in Hyderabad and I am still in a look outmode.
On my sister Sim's inviation I agreed to stay with them in the tween.

Lets sleep upstairs on the top tonight. Bil Said.
Who is going to carry the mats, blankets, pillows and bedsheets?
Who is going to bring them down in the morning. You never help me.
I am not coming. Sim announced. Besides, Smiley is been running a
running nose. I dont want him to sleep outdoors. She added.

That statement hurt two egos.

I will carry everything. I will even spread the blankets and makebeds for you. Bil said.
What cold? What mist? You think some mist is gonna do some harm to me?
Give me a break. I said.

Cut to:

Bil and I marveled all the stars and the shining moon in the sky. We lectured
Sim that we have been missing nature by staying inside our little concrete rooms.

Mosquitoes? Sim.
Mosquitoes? With this kind of breeze they dont have a chance. Besides they
are so used to looking out for humans inside their homes. They are not smart
enough to come upstairs. Bil.
Mosquitoes? They are part of nature. You have to accept them.I dont know
about you but mosquito bites never hurt me.Smiley.

Dust and pollution? Sim. (The building is adorned on three of its sides with
roads with full traffic).
Dust? What do you think? You think we breath different air when we stay
inside the house? Its the same air. Actually I read somewhere (which means
he is faking it) that the air inside our house is more polluted with all the dead
skin cells and stuff. Bil.
Dust? Thats your reality. Accept it. Surrender yourself to your reality and your
consciousness will break free. Besides I like inhaling dust filled air.Smiley.

Rain? Sim.
Rain? Ha! Smiley how did I ever marry this dumb chick? Sim, dont you watch
TV? There is no rain for the next few years. There is something called 'Nil Eno'.
Thats the new weather trend. It basically means 'No rain' in Spanish. Bil.
And Smiley, you dont have to answer this question. Bil.
Aye Bil.Smiley.

Nature Calls? Sim.
Bah. Bil.
Boo. Smiley.

Robbery and break ins? Sim.
Boo. Bil.
Bah. Smiley.

Sim tossed around for a while and finally couldnt stand and left.
Women! Smiley.
Yeah. They live in their comfort zones. Cant experiment. Cant differentiate.Dumb. Bil.
Sim handed over her rug to Bil before leaving. You might need it. It gets real cold in the middle of night.
I dont need it. Bil.
I dont need it either. I dont know about you but I like it when its cold and when its moist.Smiley.

With in a few minutes a long cold breeze passed over us. We were tickled with delight.
Silly Sim. Never had it in her Karma. Bil.
We sighed in relief.

A drizzle of fine sand passed over us a minute later.
Achhoo. Achhoo. Thoo thoo. Thptrrr. Thptrrr.
What the fuck was that?
Yeah, fuck it.
We got up and made our beds again.

Then I slept. In the middle of the night, When I woke up Bil was looking into my face.
Did you by any chance bring a water bottle with you?
No.Didnt Sim?

Then I slept. When I woke up Bil was pacing around.
The moon. The moon. Its in my face. Its shining through.
We got up and threw the pillows onto the opposite side of the mat.

Then I slept. When I woke up Bil was killing mosquitoes.
Lucky you. You covered yourself with that blanket. I cant sleep with a blanket
covering my face.
They will go away, just wait for the breeze.By then it was considerably cool and
my nose was blocked.

Then I slipped into a dreamland. When I woke up four mosquitoes were
sucking blood from my forehead and Bil was giving taeKwando kicks to some
invisible ones.

Then I slipped into a dreamland and had a dream. I was hiding inside a big
refrigerator. A monster was waiting patiently outside. All Iwanted to do was pee.

When I woke up Bil looked like a shivering ghost. The other side of my blanked
was close to wet. The bed was ice cold.

We are dead tonight.
Yeah I know.

Cut to:

Knock, Knock.

Sim, like she knew it, was sleeping in the hall, without even opening her eyes,
just opened the door for us walked back to her bed.

We were concerned you would be scared. Bil.
Yeah, you can feel safe now. We are back. Smiley.

Bil, I kept a water bottle for you, right next to your bed.
Smiley, ...and 'dont flush'. The commode is still under repair.
Good night. She added.

On that night, two, big, hairy chested men did exactly as they were told,
retired to their beds holding on to their favourite pillow and secretly
admired silly Sim.

Cagle@Slate@MSN

I found this blog by accident and absolutely loved.
Its a part of Slate. Cagle did a marvelous job of assembling
an amazing variety (and practically unlimited number) of cartoons
at one place.

Four Books, Four Movies and lots of blogs

Finished reading

State Of Fear ***
Siddhartha *****

Just in

The Tipping Point
The 8th Habit

Recently Saw

Swades **
The Polar Express (IMAX 3D) ****
Kill Bill Vol.2 ****
Nuvvostanante Nenoddantaana *****

Recently Discovered Blogs(Not work Safe)

Attu Sees All ****
Fark ***
ErosBlog ****
Met Art *****
Fleshbot *****
Slate *****
Sexylosers ****

Blog News
You read it first

Babita added a cutie to her family.
Congrats mom!
(http://neverbeenbetter.rediffblogs.com)

Babita sent me a picture of the little one, and guess
what the little one was wearing in the pic?
A black belt.
Like mom. Like daughter. :-)
(Babita is a six sigma black belt holder).

Leela is leaving
Congrats baby!
(http://absolutelee.rediffblogs.com)

Leela was offered a paycheck as fat as JLo's butt by an
anonymous sheik. Leela couldnt resist. (Keeping in
JLo's butt in mind, I can understand the temptation).

She is leaving to Dubai. :-(

Leela baby, go kick a butt. (Preferably, JLo's)
(Thanks for all those Mad comics and other books.
I have donated the comics to The Tsunami Relief Fund.)

Patrix is pregnant
Congrats dude!
(http://ipatrix.com)

After the 'I have a third nipple' episode, Patrix had to visit the emergency
room again for 'Everything tastes funny', 'I cant see my dick anymore',
'I am tired', 'I am missing my periods', 'I puked No2 Cheese burger
and ate all the salad' and 'The chicken I ate yesterday is still alive' episodes.
The hot Iranian emergency ward specialist confirmed that Patrix is
pregnant.

Scifaiku

Timetravel is forbidden.
But kids
do it anyway.

Eva Eriksson

You can read more Sci Fi Haikus at
Scifaiku.com

Interesting Flash Cartoons at
Campchaos.com

Bodi, Turture and a bloody cock

Last week I was on a vacation.I was back at my village.
Going there always had been a time travel for me.

Everything slows down in my village. That includes time
and mind.

I was surprised to know how much I am a part of that place,
in the lives of the people and their memories.

I have been hibernating and didnt meet most of people in the
last several years.

They all still remember a lot about me.

They are still unconditional when it comes to love.

Some highlights:

1) I once fell in love with our village barber's daughter.
Her name is Bodi.(I think I am still in love with her.
I think after Thrisha, she is the most beautiful girl God
ever made). She is not around anymore. Someone told me that
she was sold to some Dubai guy. My heart broke. Luckily for
me, I met my village Dhobi's daughter on the last day and
fell in love with her.

2) My cousin has a five year old kid. He cant say 'ra'.
He instead says 'la'. Lets call him La Kid. Another cousin of
mine has another er..a kid too. He cant say 'ka'. Instead
he says 'ta'. Lets call him Ta Kid. Unfortunately my real name
contains both ra and ka in it. So, it was fun with them.

I played cricket with these two kids. After I won (duh) the
game,

:-) : Ok kids, smiley is in a mood to treat. Tell me what you
want.

Ta Kid: I want Turture.
La Kid: Me too. Me too. Tultule. Tultule.
Ta kid: Yeehey. Turture. Turture.

:-) : ??? Dudes. What is this Turture stuff?

After five minutes of exhaustive deciphering and with the help of
Ta Kid's mom I realized that Ta Kid was asking for a silly snack
called 'Kurkure'.

3) My village is famous for cock fights. (Opp to hen). This time
one of those Nehruvian, socialist, secular, progressive, animal
loverist SP (Police) ordered a strict ban on the fights.

Everyone who knows the history of Andhras know that we love these
fights. Actually two of the famous battles in our history were
over these fights. (Bebbuli and Palnati). Everyone who anything
about our community knows that we love our vices.

My father's elder brother has more than five dozen cocks. (Ok,
girls, stop drooling). He was enraged. The president of the village
was enraged. Three of the local MLAs are his best buddies.

That night he met them. They decided to go ahead and conduct these
fights, no matter what. SP warned. He increased the basti.

One of the MLAs is pretty close to the home minister. MLA informed
the minister that he would rather get arrested than die an
infamous death in this region.

Home called SP. SP said fuck off. So for the first time in its history
my village slept without seeing the fights on sankrati. I slept
without eating that mother of all 'pandem kodi chicken biryani'.

Home minister called the CM next day. CM got a clear message. Either
you let our cocks fight or we let you down in the upcoming elections.

CM said, what the fuck man? Let those fucking cocks fight. Home minister
said, what the fuck is wrong with you SP? Let those cocks fight.
SP finally accepted a bribe of 5,00,000 (five lakhs), but still being
an animal lover, rested at home on a sick leave the next day.

And that day, my village celebrated. Blood spilled. Half of the
cocks died. Shit loads of Money changed hands. Gallons of alcohol
was consumed. Many of the lower caste virgin women were unvirgined.
Prostitutes danced. The local MLA and president were zindabaded
for keeping the tradition and gaurding the honour.

I had my share of chicken biryani. (Ok stop giving me that
Nehruvian, socialist, secular, progressive, I-hate-you-types look.)

Smiley’s Dirty Jokes Dept.

In association with

Smiley’s Short Story Dept.

Presents

Male Pride

Before kingdoms emerged and long before tribes were formed, there were
thick and deep tropical forests in southern India. There lived giant elephants
and tiny ants in harmony. Giant elephants had giant itchy butts. They loved
scratching their big butts against the trunks of big trees.

The Elephant



Elephant loved scratching its butt against trees. Ooomm, aaaah, uuufff.
She would go in pure bliss. But that day she got a little bit out of hand and
rocked the tree so hard that the beehive on the top of the tree fell right in
front of her.

The Bee



The bee worked hard all its life to make a decent living and settle down with
his favourite girl. He worked eighteen hours a day for two years and built the
beehive. He flew 24 hours a day for two weeks to attract his favourite girl.
When the girl fell, he made love to her for two consecutive days. She got
pregnant and filled beehive with little bee kids.

That day a fat elephant with an itchy butt scratched a little hard and killed his
whole family. So the bee leapt for the butt and stung it so hard that it got locked
into the pachyderm. It kept on stinging.

The Bird



The bird had been curious about everything right from its childhood.
It always woke up early and ate its worms early. It always flew into the
unexplored territories and always stood first in trying out new things
and new styles and new combinations.

That day it saw an elephant running wild with a red butt. It got curious and
flew near the butt and took a closer look. What he found was a bee stinging
the butt so hard that the elephant was crying puddles and pools.

So it asked the elephant,
Sweetie, whats wrong?

The elephant said,
Please get rid of that bee. I will do whatever you want me to do.
Sure deal sweetie.
The bird in one swift move plucked the bee deep from the butt and ate it.

The elephant got so relieved that it licked the bird and said
Now tell me, Oh the one who flies, what is that you want?
Oh the one with big butt, I always wanted to fuck an elephant, doggie style.

The elephant thought on it for a while. She was a virgin. But whats a little birds
tiny prick gonna make any difference. She thought.

She lifted her tail and let the bird in.

The Monkey



Monkey right from his childhood was never satisfied with whatever he had.
He always wanted to have more and exotic. He ditched his loyal wife and
loving kids and stayed alone a tall coconut tree just because they got boring.

That day a strange thing happened. A big elephant stopped under the tree and
a tiny bird started fucking the elephant from behind. The monkey got such a
huge hard on that it started masturbating.

As the birds movements got faster so did the monkey’s hand. The elephant
was grazing.

The Pride

Oooh. Oooooooh. Oooooooooooooooh.

The bird started hitting harder and harder.
The monkey got shafter and shafter.
In the frenzy monkeys hand hit a coconut.
Coconut straight down fell on elephant’s head with a huge thump.
Elephant shouted so loud that the whole jungle heard it.
OUCH.

The bird oblivious to what happened stopped fucking, opened its eyes and
from the behind shouted towards the elephants ear
Oops. Did it hurt dear?

nonick

Nonick is real. Nonick is no ghost. Nonick isnt me.
(Sorry Fairy dear). I am lucky to have readers like the
readers I have.

Because they made it fun to read and post. (Most of the time
my posts suck. But my comment box always lived up.)

I am glad to inroduce nonick to you. She (surprise!) has a blog too.
(She writes poems and stuff). http://whthehell.blogspot.com/
...another of life's mysteries solved.

The only mystery I am (Fairy is) left with is

who is nonickers?

Day 3
A few more little people.

I called them dudes. There were several of them in my mind. The most
significant of them were

ToDoDude
LookAheadDude
WorstCaseScenarioDude

The discovery of each individual dude was an Aha! Moment.
I didn’t regret them. Instead I looked them the way Snow White would
look at the dwarfs.

I realized that each one of the little dudes had responsible roles. They were just
performing their duty. Like life, thought fights for dominance too. Thought
tries to proliferate too. The dominant and winning thought defines our mood,
decision, personality, happiness or sorrow at any given moment.

In my case I realized that around 60-80% of my back ground buzz in my mind
on a day to day basis is due to these three little dudes.

ToDoDude: He is the one who listed all the To Dos which LookAheadDude
runs through every now and then. (The more complex your ToDo is the more
worried is LookAheadDude and more often he run through them.)

LookAheadDude: Dude, Dude, by 11:00 we have to finish this and have
lunch. Yeah, lets cut down on rice this afternoon and hit on rotis. That makes
us less sleepy in the afternoon session. Btw, have you seen that
TooDeterminedDude ? He had eight rotis yesterday. Man! Then take a nap.
Oh by the way, we have to check the laundry on our way. Get back to
meditation from 1:00 and 2:30. Oh yeah, I have to pick medicine for cold at
the counter at five. Yeah take a bath at 5:15. Let us better be there by that
time. Otherwise we wont get hot water. Hmm, back to meditation by 6:00.
I wonder what discourse do we have this evening. After the discourse,
go to bed. Lets make sure we sleep before the snoring dudes start their
snoring.

WorstCaseScenarioDude: At one time I was fantasizing a cruise from
Australia to somewhere. At midnight after making love to all the two dozen
Australian chicks on board I went to deck and started peeing in the sea. I
was mesmerized with the reflections of the moon in the sea while peeing into
it. Then WorstCaseScenarioDude created this great white shark which leaped
out of the water and snacked my dick. At another time, I was fantasizing sex
with a stranger in the New York subway and WorstCaseScenarioDude
mentioned AIDS and neither of us were carrying condoms.

At another time, I dreamed of merging my current startup with an
established firm and taking it to public, then Manmohan Singh died and stock
market crashed. When I swam, he increased the depth. When I took a flight,
he failed an engine. When I met my dream girl, he created a cage. When I
worked harder for greater success, he created ill health and failure. When I
trusted someone he made them backstab me. When I took my girlfriend to a
lonely ranch, he created a serial killer. I was amazed at how unaware of this
dude all the while.

(Later, it is this WorstCaseScenatioDude who helped me find my
‘Origin of Fear’.)

I should say, I was very successful in merely observing all these emotions
instead of identifying with them. I should also say that it kind of made me
feel good.

Continued…
Ok, you have little people in your mind. What else?
Can we skip like, to Day 10? Thanks in advance.
Hmm..once again, there is no blue font! Is it going to come back?
I heard of stuff like Adistana, Craving and Aversion before. What about that?

Day 4
The Art Of Women

Breakfast Log

Bhoot

Yesterday I attended a party (a friend's brithday) thrown
at Ram Gopal Varma's guest house. Its located in an almost
jungle like location not far from Hyderabad.

He made a Telugu movie long back (Deyyam) which was entirely
picturized at that guest house. Spooky dude he is. I got
totally spooked out while reaching there. I was alone and
it was pitch dark. The road barely existed. I didnt know the
directions and my cell was Out Of Coverage Area. :-)

Adding to it, in the middle of the night, power went off.
:-). Hmm..what did I have? Two pegs of Red Label, prawn
biryani, mutton curry, chicken fry, crab fry and fish fry.


DPS MMS

Like I mentioned at Fairy's blog before, we shouldnt be discussing
the moral aspects of two teenagers having sex at school. But law
and press should devote their energies in punishing the poeple who
are circulating this MMS. I did what I could by refusing to watch
the clip.

I am glad to know that finally the 'circulators' are being noticed.
(One IITian and CEO of Bazee.com). Even the teenager is being
presented at the juvenile court today.

Bad Sex Award

Tom Wolfe won this year's the British prize for
bad sex in fiction.

This is the stuff that won the award for him

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue," one of his winning sentences
begins. "But the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand,
since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the
otorhinolaryngological caverns -- oh God, it was not just at the border where
the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest -- no, the hand
was cupping her entire right -- Now!"

Link

How Mac was made

One of the tech's all time favourite stories is back again.
I should say, this time it got better. (For all those who
read Pepsi to Apple and thought they knew everything about
Mac -- No we dint get most of it from Scully).

Oreilly did a book on that and its available in the market now.
(Patrix, now you know your weekend read)



For all of us Non American Residents, most of the book is avaialble
in the form of stories for free at http://folklore.org

One of my favourite stories is Reality Distortion

Scarab Beetle



Link

Day 2
Your mind wanders. Smile.

Dont feel bad for not being able to concentrate on your breath.
Your mind wanders.
Accept the fact that your mind wandered.
With a smile, bring its attention back to your breath.

Observing your breath is as simple a task can get. Thats what any one would
think. But the thing is, your mind doesnt really like doing the task on hand.
It always wanders.

The more it wanders the more frustrating it gets.

The same instructions were repeated several times.

Soon by the afternoon, I saw a pattern. By that evening, in one of those aha! moments, the pattern became a map. The moment it became a map, it became much more clear.

It was an elating moment.

My mind revealed itself. It suddenly gave me an perspective that was very
objective. Every emotion, every thought, suddently fell into a precharted territory.




Soon I realized that the vast thought process I thought I possessed is actually
an implementation of very few interfaces. (Pardon the language). In other
words, every thought had a pattern. It neatly fell into a zone.
The zones were surprisingly few.

Each zone is an escape channel to avoid NOW.

So what happened to the blue font?
Ok, you got a map. So what?
Hmm...who are these little people?
Come on hurry up dude.
continued..
Day 3
A few important little people

Day 1
Observe it; accept it, as it is.

Observe your breath. Dont regulate it. Just observe your normal, natural breath.

If it is warm, then it is warm.
If it is cold, then it is cold.
If it is shallow, then it is shallow.
If it is deep, then it is deep.
If it is hard, then it is hard.
If it is soft, then it is soft.
If it is fast, then it is fast.
If it is slow, then it is slow.

Observe it, as it is. Accept whatever is real, as it is.

From:
04:30 to 06:30 AM
08:00 to 11:00 AM
01:00 to 05:00 PM
06:00 to 07:00 PM
08:30 to 09:00 PM.


The duality of my mind fascinated me when I was in the final year of my college. I asked this question several of my friends.

Lets take for example, preparing for the exams. Our mind perfectly understands the benefits of preparing for the exams, passing the exams, getting good percentages and the benefits we reap on them. Our mind actually visualizes us sitting through the exams, acing the exams and being praised by parents, friends and relatives. Our mind motivates us to set higher goals, prepare plans and gather material to start preparation. Yet the same mind discourages you from going through this. It tells you to take a break, to go to a movie, to sleep early, to not to get up early etc and looks for instant gratification every moment.

This applies to every duality one usually faces like, smoking, drinking, eating, spending, working etc. Your mind perfectly understands the benefits of doing or not doing a task, yet the same mind totally discourages you from doint it or not doing it.

Why duality?

That question haunted me. Well after eighteen months, I found the answer, when I was least expecting it, in the book shelf of a friends uncle. The name of the book was
I'm Ok you're Ok.

The answer I was looking for lied in something called Transactional Analysis.
For the first time, that book made me think about my mind, its behavior patterns and its working patterns. For the first time, I realized how my past effects my future and how every decision I made in the past also has a heavy influence on the decisions I am making today.

That book gave me a huge intellectual satisfaction. No book ever satisfied me that much until then.

I found myself already in I’m OK and you’re OK zone. I felt glad about it.

Coming Next..
So, what do we get out of this observation?
Is this what you did for TEN days?
What does this blue font prose have to do with your Vipassana stuff?
Day 2
Your mind wanders. Smile.

The day before
Emotion has no reason, needs no reason and knows no reason

Twelve days of my absence would cause havoc to all our ongoing tasks, priorities and targets. There were so many last minute things. There was a certain amount of tangible loss too. I was prepared. Gave instructions to the staff, made more than hundred decisions in a span of six hours and finally said good bye to everyone. My staff treated me with a Paradise Special Mutton Biryani. I ate little and left. Two of my good friends offered to drop me at the center. On our way, we picked my cousin Vinny, who also enrolled to this course.

We entered into the campus and were instructed to fill several forms. Almost every form and instruction pointed to one single thing.

I agree, I will not leave this campus until the end of the ten day course, no matter what.

Without even a trace of doubt, I agreed and signed. They asked us to surrender the mobiles, valuables, pens, notebooks and cameras. Then we were registered and assigned rooms. One of the clerks realized that Vinny and I are cousins and allocated us rooms that are separated by a good 50 feet.

My good friends told us, Dudes, screw this thing. Keep at least one cell phone with you guys. If you ever feel like coming out, you can just give us an SMS. We know how to break a lock. I strongly disagreed and surrendered the phones. I asked them to leave and said good bye.

I suddenly felt lonely, the moment they left. As it got darker, my uneasiness and loneliness grew. Vinny had a slight fever and a thick cold. We were served Upma as our dinner at 5:30 PM.

I ate that stuff, picked blankets, mosquito nets and made my bed. At six, (my office boy packed my bag) I opened my kit and found that two essential things, toothpaste and toilet soap were missing. By six fifteen, at least a dozen mosquitoes bit me. At six thirty, a bell was struck. The noble silence begins from now. You are not supposed to speak, signal or look into any one else' eyes. You should work in this ashram for the next days, as if you are completely alone. I was instructed. Cake walk. I thought.

At seven thirty, they asked us to assemble in the main hall. By then I wasnt just uneasy but beginning to get nervous about the whole thing. I am slightly claustrophobic. I dont like closed environments. Also, I need noise and people around me all the time. I dont like eerie silences and empty halls. They scare me to death.

We entered into a dark, spacious and closed hall. I was shown a small white cushion. I was asked to write my name and room number on its tag. You are supposed meditate only on this cushion for the next ten days. The Dhamma worker said.

I was very nervous by then. Just the type of nervousness that strikes you before an interview or a public speech. I sat on the cushion in a padmasana and closed my eyes. I was not comfortable with my nervousness. I realized it was a kind of fear. I hated myself for fearing something as simple as meditation. A million things flooded my mind the moment I closed my eyes. The tasks that I left unfinished, all the things that can go wrong in my absence and all the worst case scenarios that I can get into.

For a second, I developed this intense urge to shout
Fuck this. I don’t need this. I am fine. I am leaving. Bye.

Lights got further dimmer and suddenly two speakers came to life. Then a strange raga filled the room. It wasnt a chant. It wasnt a song. It wasnt a mantra. It wasnt like anything I heard before. An East Asian Buddhist raga, I thought.

Without warning and without a reason a wave of panic numbed my mind. I thought I was fainting. It was a very strange experience. I panicked and opened my eyes. I cursed myself for going through this for something as simple as meditation. The next thirty minutes were a huge struggle between my panic state of mind and my reason. I wondered about the stuff I would go through in the next ten long days. I made a concrete decision that, if I get overwhelmed with fear or anxiety in the next session I would leave the center.

At nine, I walked back to my room fighting mosquitoes. I had two roommates. Within fifteen minutes they both entered into deep sleep snoring loudly. If there is one thing that I cant stand in this whole world, its snoring. The hard pillow wasnt comfortable. The blanket wasnt full length. That strange nervousness was still there. I stared into the ceiling for a long time.

I never showed faith to any God or any religion at any point of time in my life.
As a matter of fact, until very recently, I used to be an active atheist and

rationalist. Lately, I have stopped being an atheist and just been staying on neutral grounds.

Through out my childhood, early teens and teenage I strongly stood on my atheist grounds. I read lot of books, debated and gave a lot of thought about concepts like origin of life, evolution, universe, rituals, religion, social structures and belief systems. I accepted things that stood reason. Rest, I declined. I never had any problem saying that the rest of the world could be wrong.

Joie

I never believed in reincarnation, traditional definitions of sin, karma, evil, heaven or hell. At the age twenty, after having a series of long debates with two of my good friends I concluded the following

1) There is no greater purpose to this life
2) Zillions and zillions of living cells were born and died. You and your short little life is just another blink.
3) The universe that you know is a grain in an endless sand beach. Zillions of earth like planets evolved and morphed and this solar system itself is just another blink.
4) The root of misery lies in attachment
5) When there is no greater purpose to the life, when no religion or social system is absolute, then the only thing that ever matters in your life is just being happy. In this short little life, every thing we ever do is towards just one state, to be happy.
6) Detach. Enjoy. Be happy.

De

At twenty one, out of curiosity, I joined a French class. I learned a little bit (too little) of French and bought a book titled ‘Learn French’ published by Orient Longman. Some where in that book I found a beautiful expression that caught my imagination. The more I thought about it, the more it fascinated me.

I used to do lot of painting in those days. I wrote stuff like Metallica, Hells angels, Aromatic Fart, Pak Stinks, Bon Jovi, symbols of fire, cross, swastikas, skulls, guitars, on jeans pants using Fevicryl fabric paints. On the next day I painted this French phrase on my cap and my T-Shirt.

Some of my freinds asked me what it is. I told them, it meant joy of life. They asked me back, So what about this joy of life? I told them that, that is the answer I was looking for all these days.

Vivre

Thats the most beautiful expression I ever heard. I realized that joy of life is not
in finding solutions, finding happiness, conquering sorrows, possessing valuable things, attaining nirvana, finding love or anything thats a part or bye product of life.

The joy of life is in living itself.

The next year, this new cool technology called internet became a public phenomena and this new cool thing called ‘hotmail’ became almost a social status. I promptly got a mail id. In the signature option I put this phrase.

Joie De Vivre.

Coming Next

Day 1
Observe it; accept it, as it is.

The Vipassana Chronicles

The day before the day before

A huge party was scheduled for that night. A private party at a private pool at Leo Meridian. I had dark rum and a chicken kabab. I helped myself with extra doses thinking about the dry and vegetarian days I am going to spend at the Vipassana centre for the next ten days. I was sure that I would love doing it and was in a way eagerly looking forward to it.

That night tossing on my comfortable soft bed at Park Inn, watching TV, I thought about the upcoming ten days.

Around two and half years back, I drew up a Master Plan of my life. I had identified six major areas of my life and prepared goals in those areas of self, love, career, finances, family and society. It was an ambitious, bold, strategic plan filled with lot of vision stuff.

I took several major decisions about my life based on my master plan and totally altered my life in a single week. The plan was my guiding force, a kind of compass that always lingered in the background.

I reviewed the plan occasionally. It told me where I was doing good and the areas I was doing badly. A year later, when I was reviewing the plan I realized that I failed miserably in many areas.

NOW

When I looked back and reviewed my life in that year, I realized that it was an eventful journey. Extreme fun, bold and dynamic energy, unlimited spending, utter failures, learning new things, adopting to new environments, realizing the dreams, failing the dreams, unlimited sorrows, unending pains, fear, the ugly side of humanity, love, women, the beauty of humanity, loyalty, friendship, relationships etc. So much happened in one single year.

But one thing that was constant was the stress. Anxiety, worry or stress, whatever you call it. Blame it on the number hours I was spending at work, or the number hours I was spending drinking and partying late nights or my lack of managerial skills or lack of ability to handle conflicts or lack of communication. Whatever it was, as much as I was happy, during the entire time, I was that much worried too.

ACT

After being clinically diagnosed with stress and given anti stress pills and sedative medicines, I realized that it was time for me to concentrate more on my ‘state of happiness’ or the ‘mental balance’.

In that process I stumbled upon a book called ‘How to stop worrying and start winning’. The author of the book is also the author of one of the all time self help best seller ‘How to win friends and influence people’. Even though the title sounded cheesy I bought that book because of the name of the author. I read it. Usually I make notes while reading a book like that. On a neat white paper, after I read the last page of the book, I wrote just two words.

Now.

Act.

For the sake of clarity, I added italics later,

Think Now.

Act now.