Huh

Not believing in anything I just sit,
listening to my breathing
After thirty years
It still goes in and out.

Albert Coelho

Addendum

Huuuuhhhh!

Reading the mornin paper while I sit,
Flashes in the mind of one dim twisted wit
Thirty years and still
What goes in as food comes out as shit

Two Penny

H(M)uah!!

and in a voice that sounded faraway and strange she asked
oh shitting stranger,
how many miles more to Utopia?
Utopia is this land of dreams i hear
oh stop reading the paper dear
how many more miles to Utopia?

nonick
ps: love u too

Cheeky

Yoda Iyer

Here is how to draw him

Dumb logic of the year

Just read on Megha's blog about this design nomination stuff. Hilarious post.
Not the post. But the logic of the nomination. Some stuff about Indiblog
awards is silly (I appreciate their effort. But lets call a dud a dud.)

1) They talked more about programming than nominations and content
2) They are proud about the Script they wrote that let people vote than
voting patterns and gaurding the privacy of the voters
3) Categories basically are silly and not comprehensive

Finally, if what I read on Megha's blog is true (read), well there is no point
in me rambling about it because I totally agree with her (whoever this
Megha chick is).

So here is my award to the Jury of Indibloggies
Dumb ass logic of the year award goes to Indibloggies.org for saying
that 'People who borrow (steal) templates from public domain are eligible to
nominate for a category called Best Design'.

Added later: Since Desipundit.com is the default pit shop for every
Indiblogger I propose Desipundit.com to come up with hosting the awards.
I will sponsor the award of 'Two day vacation with Smiley at Kulu Manali'
for the best female humour category.

At the other end of your blanket

Rated: Yawn

Just with in couple of days of Shredders arrival, my fantasies of my dog
fetching me beer and peanuts got distorted with lots of reality. Actually,
got replaced by, me cleaning his feces and puke, running behind him,
hiding my-socks, shoes, cell phone charger, coffee mugs, cushions, pillows,
(re) making the tent for him, making sure not stepping on him and on
his urine.

By fifth day he looked like a prodigal child. He doesnt respond to my calls.
He doesnt listen to me. All he does is eat, shit, shred and bite. Of course,
sleep. He absolutely refuses to sleep alone. He bothers Srinu during the
nights. (Srinu eventually shifted into Kitchen). That’s when my nephew
came to my house, saw shredder, fell in love with him and said,
I want him. I said, Take him.

The next day, I gladly packed the tent, the food, the toys and Shredder
and knocked on Sillys door. Silly looked perplexed. Here, your son wanted
him. I efficiently and quickly tied Shredder in her balcony, gave her
instructions and left. Actually I left to a different city to attend an annual
meet. I came to know that Shredder accommodated Silly well and became
a family member in just two days. According to Silly, he is the nicest dog.
But things were not destined to happen that way. Someone close to Silly
died the next day and the entire family had to leave and I got a call.
(I was in a different city). I called couple of my friends and instructed them
to pick this funny looking black patched dog from my sisters place and keep
him with a family for couple of days. Thats what they did.

For the next two days, Shredder didnt eat a single grain. Not even his
favourite Royal Canin. He cried through day and night. I got more than two
dozen calls because he was also going through diarrhea.

I drove back. Collected him and brought him home. I hand fed him. He ate.
That, some one so small and selfish could distinguish who was feeding him,
kind of surprised me. Shredder, kind of won my respect.
May be it was curiosity.

With in just four five hours Shredder was truly home. I know a thing or two
about animal stress. So, I understood. Shredder continued to bite and rule my
house. Unfortunately for him, I read couple of articles on the net about
alpha male and show him who is the boss stuff. On that night, the next day
morning, for a full four hours I tried to tell him that I am the boss. Some how
he didnt get it (Looking back, I didn’t get some of what he was telling). He
continued to fail to understand not to crap or pee inside the house. His worst
nightmare came true that night. I took him inside my bedroom, took my
leather belt out and shouted to him. Listen. He ignored me. His ears still
stood out in pride. Whack, came down the belt. His first reaction was
disbelief. He is a furless dog. It must have hurt a lot. Listen. I shouted.
Whack. He gained his senses and ran to a corner. You will go nowhere.
I shouted. I held his collar and dragged him to the middle of the room.
Listen. I shouted. His ears were in a submissive mode this time. We stared
at each other for a long time. You will listen to me from now on. I told him.
And you will respond. I added.

Things changed a lot after that. Within two days he learned not to pee or poo
inside the house. But he still continued to bite and ignore calls. One of his
favourite spots is the my travel bag that lies under my bed. He loves
crawling into that corner and sleeping on it.

Soon I realized that he is actually a smart dog. He has an amazing range
of low grunts and whines. Remember, he is a French Bull dog. He doesnt
bark much. He makes this Weee…weeee…which can be translated to
Untie me, I want to play. He makes this Hissss weee hisss weee..which can
be translated to Stop tickling me. Ha ha ha.

He makes this hwwwiieeee….Please dont disturb me, I am sleeping.

He also has a wide range of looks. Sometimes his looks can be spooky.
He also has a wide range of body expressions. The best is when he walks
to you and rolls on his back to expose his belly and looks at you.
He is saying, Yo, scratch my belly.

It struck me a little later, but I really didnt understand why we are
supposed to be more intelligent than dogs. I seriously dont think so.

We formed a true bond when Shredder got super sick. He got food poisoned.
He became a skeleton in two days. I let him sleep with me those two days
and talked to him a lot. Shreddy, you are strong boy. Its alright. You will
be fine. He used to sigh with lots of self pity in his eyes. It took him a week
to recover.

Another threat to our relation came from the management of the
apartment. They said pets are not allowed in the apartment. Now,
shredder stays in my office. Shredder misses me a lot. I miss him a lot.
I never disciplined him beyond, Sit, Stop.

Guess what? I am moving next month. Yeah, to accommodate this funny
looking dog in my life.

A note

She has these incredible sexy chocoloty browny edges on her lips.
Her saliva is so neutral you can drink her. Probe her under her
tongue and drink her.

I rested one of my hands on her plump rump. Then squeeezed it.
She steamed. I took some liberty and ran my hand over her breast
to feel her hardened nipple. I rested there and squeezed her.

She grew hesitant and said, No.
What do you mean by No?

No, you cant do that.
What do you mean by I cant do that?

We can kiss on lips. Thats all.
(My hand still on her breast) That sucks. But logically it shouldnt matter.
Took some more liberty and kissed her on her nipple.

No, we cant do this. We can kiss, though.

Note to self: The white Jockey Elance you are wearing is not exactly
your luckiest wear.
Another note to self: Girls are so complicated.

Of Macs, Modi, Mutton and Monkeys

Can an announcement last more than 90 minutes? It could. Says
Thinksecret.com guessing on Apple's traditional Steve Jobs
presentation thats going to happen today. So whats being churned
by the rumour mills?

1) Intel Based Apple Tops
2) Cheaper Shuffle
3) Media Centric Mac Mini (Mounted on Front Row)
4) Several major media deals

**

I threw a gala party at a place called Alankrita yesterday. Honouring me,
everyone had their dinner in a bowl and with a fork. (Thats trademark
Smiley). This is what we had Rasam+Rice+Mutton Rogam Josh.
The ones who didnt know the art of eating rasam with fork drank
straight away from the bowls.

Thats not the point. There was a discussion about Narendra Modi Vs
Rajashekhar Reddy. Actually there was no discussion. Unanimously we
all agreed that Modi is the best in India. (Hard to swallow for the so called
secular Indians, but I havent met an average Indian who doesnt like Modi.)
Thats not the point either. The intellectual depth of the conversation got
me clean bowled. By the way, did I mention the capuccino Hukka?

**

Last week, during one of those lazy afternoons I returned home from office
to take a nap. While dozing I heard next door kid crying (both crying and
shouting) "Uncle, Uncle". I wondered what was happening and went to her
rescue. Standing at my door was a six year old, soaked in her tears. In front
her is a baby monkey making faces at her and scaring her.

I hugged her and stomped the baby monkey. "There is another one inside my
house. My mama is not at home. I am scared". I liked her honesty in admitting
that she is scared. She stayed with me untill her mom returned.

She revealed few things (kid notes) about me. Kids in the apartment are scared
of me. They like my TV. They love shredder. (All the kids routinely play on my
floor). Now she thinks I am 'good'. (Silly girls). 'You are good only' with
vigorous head shake.

Next day she introduced me to her friends. 'Monkey Uncle'. Stupid girls.

Delirium
Its a go

I stopped walking.

What is that?
That strange shining white light object?
Yeah
Its light.
Light?
Yeah, we are at the end of the tunnel.

For a long time I didnt say a thing. The emotion was overwhelming.
I looked at my bloody feet. Felt my wounded soul. The sense of relief
wasnt obvious. Not as obvious as I thought it would be.

I sat down in the mud. I silently started crying, within.
He left me alone for sometime. After a while, he returned with a huge
smile and asked.

Why are you crying?
Because its a Delirium post.

We laughed. I hugged him.

What do I do now?
Keep walking.

Know Thyself
The net.

When Junior entered the room, Master Yoda was licking his armpits.
Junior greeted Master. Oh the one, whose pits are clean chits, Greetings.
Master greeted back. Oum.



Oh the master of masters, the one whose wisdom guided Adam to slow
down, I have a question.

Ask.

Its shredder. Shredder shredded the known world to bring in a new
order, new kind, new peace and boundless hapiness to this new world.
But oh master, there is one thing that puzzles me about Shredder.
Why is he always trying to bite his own ass? The word in the woods is
that it has to do something with the last Buddha.

Master Yoda's pupils grew larger. Junior, the last Buddha is a myth.
All Shredder is trying to do is sniff his last meal.

Master, oh whose ear wax can light a thousand clouds, I know when
you lie.

Master Yoda sighed deeply. Alright junior. The truth, I warn, must be
contained. I will tell you why Shredder is trying to bite his own ass.

It was a different world. It was a different kind. It was a different master.
Humans they were. They called it the information age. The age of
knowledge. They truely believed that they were destined for greater
greatness, because they harnessed information. It was called the Net.

The last of Buddha called it Being or collective consciousness. The last
Buddha also warned, Thought alone, when it is no longer connected
with the much vaster realm of consciousness quickly becomes barren,
insane and destructive.

But the humans didnt think so, they integrated net into themselves
and called it Bionet.
They thought
harnessing collective intelligence and real-time leveraging of the
two-way communication ubiquotously
will finally make man himself, the God.

But then Shredder was born.

continued...

Know Thyself II
I shred.

Blog awards everywhere

Indibloggers are nominated. Except for few deserving, its a disappointing
list. Is Gaurav's blog a good blog or a popular blog? I would like to fire the
bench and appoint myself the supreme. Here are my nominees.

Male Humour
Penny, Yogu, Daman (by the way they are not blogging anymore)

Female Humour
Alpha or Megha? Lets schedule a cat fight and see who wins. (Psst thats just
to enjoy the fight. My pick is Alpha. Dont tell this to Megha)

Travel Blog
Finn Times (Sigh. The full moon.)

BNOUBA (Blogs no one understands but appreciates)
Ph, ::M::

Default Nominees
Patrix, Desipundit

Sexy Mom who blogs
(Hey send me some pics here)

Most redundant post of the year
Patrix's 2005 review of his posts post

Most grammatically correct blog
Absolute Lee

La Vada

Rated:Gross

It happened a long time back. We entered second year during our
Engineering years and were bloody ravenous to rag junior. (We got so
thoroughly ragged during our first year that we were in a revenge mode).
A lot fun stuff happens during ragging. But this one lasted so long.

We asked a junior to attend a greeting formality at our room. When he
entered we asked him to perform a mono and mime act.

Do you know how to eat a pussy?
Don’t know sir.
Well, well, we very well know that you know. You have two options.
Either perform or die.

He started performing. He was surprisingly good.

With little encouragement from our side,
Yeah, you can imagine a table. No, no, first undress her. Yeah, she can
wear a sari. Wow man, go ahead. No you cant fuck her,
the show went well.

A little later another junior entered the room. I got a little curious and
told Junior2, Dude, Junior1 is going to perform some stuff now. You
have to tell us what he is doing.

Junior1, start all over again, No sounds please.

Junior1 promptly did his act.

So, Junior2, tell me what he was doing.

Without any hesitation, Junior 2 said,
Sir, Junior1 went to a Udipi hotel, ordered a plate Vada and ate it.

We all laughed for two full days.
We promptly nicknamed Junior2 La Vada. Junior2, for the rest of his four
years was fondly called Lavada ga.

Alpha's new post rocks

I just love this girl's sense of humor.

Spartan kicks ass

Bungie got this cool idea of incorporating a Spartan (of Halo fame), a female
Spartan in Dead or Alive 4. For all of us who are used to hald naked chicks
in Dead or Alive a Spartan I should say is too clothed.

Flowers falling and stuff

Author:nonick
(Yeah that nonick)

pink paperthin blosoms of the May tree
add something to my busy mornings

falling flowers
no purpose whatever
add cheer
to vacant thougths.

i need to fall down with the dying blossoms
gently without noise
on undisturbed earth
and with a fragrance
without obstruction
light up my corner of life's canvas

Morning Saga

Yesterday I realized that , though I lead mostly an unorganized and
hour by hour life, I have a 'routine' in the mornings.

I prefer getting up early. I dont get lazy in the bed. If I am working out
(which happens rarely) I get up at 5:15 AM. Else it is 6:30 ish. I prefer
waking up to see two newspapers on my recliner or bed.

Times of India, Economic Times. I read, Speaking Tree, Business Section,
Sports columns and couple of comic strips. It is Economic Times that I read
paying more attention. All this happens while having a big mug of Coffee.

Then I walk to my laptop, to check (in that order) Gmail, Businessweek.com,
Rediff Biz, Business Section of Samachar (which I love), Bloglines (Desipundit
and Boing Boing are a must), my office mail. Couple of random sites like
Yahoo movies (I always keep a tab on Box Office collections), Amazon, Wired
Google news etc.

Then its Loo time. I always have a copy of 'Business Week' in my Loo. I like
reading on the pot. I prefer to brush and take bath immediately after that.

By the time I am picking my clothes to wear I usually am hungry. I prefer to
have my meals early in the morning. Having breakfast and lunch is not for me.
My breakfast is a big meal. I get cranky when I am hungry. I am not at peace.

After having meal I rest in the recliner watching silly stuff like Oprah,
Animal Planet for about 10-15 minutes. Sometimes I take a quick nap
(10-15 minutes). By then my mind is usually hyper with tasks and
problems and to-dos.

Only then, only then, do I make calls or take calls and start yet another
day. :-)

Last night I scored.

I don’t remember when the last time I played cricket was. I think it must be
something like a decade back. I don’t play Tennis either. I can play Volley ball
for hours. (I am not sure if I can still claim that). The thing is, my knee doesnt
let me to run on hard surfaces.

Many a times there were opportunities to play cricket. I was always
apprehensive about fielding, running and catching and stuff. Last week
some dudes who I remotely know through my friend Zee, booked an entire
ground for a day and night match. I hesitantly asked them if I can play.

Sorry, we have already formed teams. Captain Kiran informed.
How many are there in your team. Zee enquired.
Eleven. Kiran.
Make it Twelve. Smiley is playing. Zee concluded.

Twelve we were. Before getting into the field I told Kiran that its been a
decade since I played this game.

Can you atleast stand for 25 overs? Kiran asked.
I can try.

He put me on the offside.
It was already dark and the stadium dudes switched on the flood lights.

Zee meanwhile mixed a bottle of vodka with sprite and water for me.
I ran back, stuffed my right pocket with Haldirams mixture and came back
to my position to field (with the bottle).

I was a little nervous worrying about me misfielding. It did happen.
The batsman swung his bat, before I realized, the ball came running
towards me.

According to Brian Green, the probability for it to happen is infinitesimally
small.But it happened. The ball just when it was about to close in my palms
entered a new dimension, got disappeared and reappeared in a fraction of
seconds at the boundary line.

Thats ok Smiley. Zee encouraged me from the stands.
Smiley, can you move back to the boundary line? Kiran appeared.

Sure. Within no time I actually got comfortable with the whole thing. I kept on
sipping my vodka. When the ball came towards me the next time, I actually
held it and threw it right on the spot to the keeper.

Kiran suddenly appeared out of nowhere and asked, Can you bowl?

I took that question quiet literally and told him,
Of course I can, what do you think? Fucker!

Go bowl. He threw the ball at me.
Dude, I can bowl. But I don’t think I can bowl.

I did some practice rotating arms suff and tried to remember my bowling
action. It was a white leather ball. Umpire asked me for the guard.
I gave him a blank look.

The first ball was such a wide that the batsman made fun of me by
running after that ball. The second ball was a good one. But Umpire declared
it a noball. He was eighteen years something dude.

Dude, Umpire! Didnt Kiran tell you about my knee injury?
No.
Well, you cant declare nobes for the fucking balls that I bowl.
Take a shorter runup and no nobes for you.

The next ball directly went to the keeper’s glove in a semi circular arc.
Nice throw. My keeper encouraged me.

Suddenly my basics flooded back I bowled four decent balls. Actually the
fourth one was a snick and keeper failed to catch it. After I finished the over
I ran to Kiran to give him a high five. Dude, I finished the over.

They smashed 148 in 25 overs.

I finished my vodka and sat in the stands watching my team’s batting.
Zee appeared suddenly and asked me, Why are you not batting?

Come on, I cant bat. I don’t think I can even see the ball. Besides I just had
a quarter Vodka.
You are batting. Kiran! Smiley is next.
Well, Hari is next. Kiran said.

I am stopping this match. Zee ran into the field. We pulled him back.
The thing is, I never batted with pads on. They gave me full gear. After
wearing the guard, pads, thigh pad and gloves, I refused to wear a helmet.

Thats not for me. I said.

With the gear on, I was little awkward. Kiran sensed it and said,
here, Let me bowl some practice balls for you. So, in the stands, I practiced.
Someone got out. Kiran got into the field. A little later, another one got out.
It was my turn. I walked calmly towards the crease. Took my stance. Bowler
bowled. Before I realized that he bowled, the ball was collected by the keeper.
Everyone oohed because the ball missed my ear by an inch.

Kiran walked to me and said,
Dont try anything fancy. Just enjoy the show. Keep batting. Dont get out.
I made a note. Instead of simply watching the bowlers action, react to it.

Keeper shouted to the bowler. Straight onto the wickets. We will get him.
You will get my dick. Mother fucker. I told him.
I ended up driving the next ball beautifully onside for a four.

Sometimes, after couple of drinks, I get really calm and focused. After getting
drunk, no one can beat me on my Xbox.

Instead of being a nervous wreck, I strangely ended up being focused on that
night. I played for the rest of the overs, remained a notout batsman and scored
some fifteen plus.

The best part was, for one of the offside balls that I missed; I walked down to
the umpire and told him that I would have declared it a wide.
He declared it a wide.

After the match, Kiran said, with little practice, I can come handy as a batsman.

That night I fantasized a glorious innings by me in the finals of 2007 world cup.

Kong is King

The wait is over. The reports are in.
Yeah, he is gonna rule the box.

Hello..mike testing..1,2,3.

Thanks to the broadband connection at home and lots of free time.
I am suddenly brimming with stuff to say. If I ever get enough
free time this is what I would like to talk (type) about

1) Green Apples

An illustrated story starring Smiley, Leela, Shreddy the Shredder, Coo and
Boo.

2) Joie.de.vivre

3) Where have all the chicks gone wrong?

4) The art of giving

5) Strategy and Vision

6) I am wrong. Whats wrong with that?

Eats , Sh*ts and bites

Numbers

For some one (me) who loves numbers this was heavenly.



As many as 3000000 Xbox 360s will be sold this quarter.
Close to 10000000 game titles will be sold for Xbox alone.



Apple is poised to sell something like 37000000 iPods by the
end of this year. So far it has managed 17917000 iPods and
is storing 19083000 iPods for this holiday season.

Its know as the Threshold or Yield in Physics, Halo Effect in
Economics. I have a lot to comment on iPod and its ROKR.
To me this is the most important fusion. Probably the foundation
of Web 2.0.

Harry Potter ended up collecting more than $200000000 at
the box office in just ten days. If the book sales arent mind
blowing enough, wait for the total gross and the later DVD sales.

Sigh. If feels so good when someone is selling.