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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Smiley 2.0

I have another blog at , where I will be mostly
posting the kind of posts I used to post at tgid.

I tried importing jdv to and in the process
wordpress kind of screwed up my jdv template. I will repair it soon.
Ofcourse, with some help from Fairy Dear.

The posts that are screwed up here are showing up unscrewed at ,
you know where, . You might wanna
read them there. (If at all).

Love and make love,

Monday, July 24, 2006

'Real' men dont cry

It is almost, mmm, whats the word?, silly, yeah, silly is kind of nice word.
Where were we? Yeah, its almost silly, the lengths we (men) go, to act like us (men).

It takes a lot to act like a man. (Sometimes.)

This morning, just like that, after making Egg Bhurji for me, Srinu disappeared.
I waited for him to come back and make my roti. Nah.

So, I asked my guest Lore, Where is this Srinu guy?
He got a call from his mom and left.

Now, Srinu's mom is always in some kind of trouble.
She is been ill. Well, you dont call your mom's illness a trouble. Will ya?
So, Srinu's been giving his best.

I was doing my mails then and it came to me. The realization that Srinu is
fighting it all alone. He is not sharing it with anyone.

All Srinu ever wears on his face is a smile. Beyond that no one ever saw any
other emotion on his face. But, all of us left him. To fight his own way through.
Through the financial burdens, through his moms manic depressions, through
his brothers sobs. He gave a good fight so far. Because, he never asked for help.

Eventhough, I financially supported his mom's illness, surgery and
medications, I was never really there for him. I guess. Otherwise, he would
have shared.

I realized this and I woke up couple of demons in my mind. Demon One is the
sheer helplessness you go through in a situation like this. Demon Two is the
desertion. Your family, friends and this world, just moves on, leaving you behind.

You suddenly get stuck. There is no way out. There is no one out.
But if you are a 'Real' man, you dont yield. You dont cry. You dont ask for help.
You will simply suffer through. Thats all there is in this world for a man.

When Srinu came back, I asked him.
So, how is your mom? You know what? Dont worry about her. She will be fine.
He just nodded. The same smile.
We are taking her to SangaReddy, to her brother's place. He said.
Hmm, why? You brother cant take care of her or what? Do you want to stay
there for couple of days and be with her?

My brother cant take...
His lower lip couldnt hold it anymore. His eyes suddenly betrayed him and he ran
into the balcony.

I know. I know how it feels like to run from your cubicle to the restroom, holding your
tears back.

The child in Srinu is still there. The child wants to be hugged and assured.
My heart shouted. It shouted an arm on his shoulder and a tap of assurance.
Assurance that he is not alone. Assurance that it is going to be ok.
My world is a 'Real' man's world. No one is going to do that for him.
Not me. Not his friends.

I gave him couple of minutes to fight his tears back. He came back.
I explained his mom's illness to him. I suggested a solution to this trouble.
Send you mom. Bring your brother to our office. You guys stay there
together for couple of months and dont worry about money...and why
is brother being such a wussie?

I dont know sir. He is uncontrollable. He is crying non stop.
He is afraid, about, losing our mother.


He is just seventeen...

Srinu ran into the balcony again. This time, it took him more than five minutes
to regain his composure. He just stood there facing the grill, wiping his tears.
I stood near the TV, watching TV and occasionally looking at him.

Your brother is a fucker.
Yes sir. My brother is a fucker.
Tell that fucker, real men dont cry.
Yes sir. I told him so.