Last week I was on a vacation.I was back at my village.
Going there always had been a time travel for me.
Everything slows down in my village. That includes time
I was surprised to know how much I am a part of that place,
in the lives of the people and their memories.
I have been hibernating and didnt meet most of people in the
last several years.
They all still remember a lot about me.
They are still unconditional when it comes to love.
1) I once fell in love with our village barber's daughter.
Her name is Bodi.(I think I am still in love with her.
I think after Thrisha, she is the most beautiful girl God
ever made). She is not around anymore. Someone told me that
she was sold to some Dubai guy. My heart broke. Luckily for
me, I met my village Dhobi's daughter on the last day and
fell in love with her.
2) My cousin has a five year old kid. He cant say 'ra'.
He instead says 'la'. Lets call him La Kid. Another cousin of
mine has another er..a kid too. He cant say 'ka'. Instead
he says 'ta'. Lets call him Ta Kid. Unfortunately my real name
contains both ra and ka in it. So, it was fun with them.
I played cricket with these two kids. After I won (duh) the
:-) : Ok kids, smiley is in a mood to treat. Tell me what you
Ta Kid: I want Turture.
La Kid: Me too. Me too. Tultule. Tultule.
Ta kid: Yeehey. Turture. Turture.
:-) : ??? Dudes. What is this Turture stuff?
After five minutes of exhaustive deciphering and with the help of
Ta Kid's mom I realized that Ta Kid was asking for a silly snack
3) My village is famous for cock fights. (Opp to hen). This time
one of those Nehruvian, socialist, secular, progressive, animal
loverist SP (Police) ordered a strict ban on the fights.
Everyone who knows the history of Andhras know that we love these
fights. Actually two of the famous battles in our history were
over these fights. (Bebbuli and Palnati). Everyone who anything
about our community knows that we love our vices.
My father's elder brother has more than five dozen cocks. (Ok,
girls, stop drooling). He was enraged. The president of the village
was enraged. Three of the local MLAs are his best buddies.
That night he met them. They decided to go ahead and conduct these
fights, no matter what. SP warned. He increased the basti.
One of the MLAs is pretty close to the home minister. MLA informed
the minister that he would rather get arrested than die an
infamous death in this region.
Home called SP. SP said fuck off. So for the first time in its history
my village slept without seeing the fights on sankrati. I slept
without eating that mother of all 'pandem kodi chicken biryani'.
Home minister called the CM next day. CM got a clear message. Either
you let our cocks fight or we let you down in the upcoming elections.
CM said, what the fuck man? Let those fucking cocks fight. Home minister
said, what the fuck is wrong with you SP? Let those cocks fight.
SP finally accepted a bribe of 5,00,000 (five lakhs), but still being
an animal lover, rested at home on a sick leave the next day.
And that day, my village celebrated. Blood spilled. Half of the
cocks died. Shit loads of Money changed hands. Gallons of alcohol
was consumed. Many of the lower caste virgin women were unvirgined.
Prostitutes danced. The local MLA and president were zindabaded
for keeping the tradition and gaurding the honour.
I had my share of chicken biryani. (Ok stop giving me that
Nehruvian, socialist, secular, progressive, I-hate-you-types look.)
Before kingdoms emerged and long before tribes were formed, there were
thick and deep tropical forests in southern India. There lived giant elephants
and tiny ants in harmony. Giant elephants had giant itchy butts. They loved
scratching their big butts against the trunks of big trees.
Elephant loved scratching its butt against trees. Ooomm, aaaah, uuufff.
She would go in pure bliss. But that day she got a little bit out of hand and
rocked the tree so hard that the beehive on the top of the tree fell right in
front of her.
The bee worked hard all its life to make a decent living and settle down with
his favourite girl. He worked eighteen hours a day for two years and built the
beehive. He flew 24 hours a day for two weeks to attract his favourite girl.
When the girl fell, he made love to her for two consecutive days. She got
pregnant and filled beehive with little bee kids.
That day a fat elephant with an itchy butt scratched a little hard and killed his
whole family. So the bee leapt for the butt and stung it so hard that it got locked
into the pachyderm. It kept on stinging.
The bird had been curious about everything right from its childhood.
It always woke up early and ate its worms early. It always flew into the
unexplored territories and always stood first in trying out new things
and new styles and new combinations.
That day it saw an elephant running wild with a red butt. It got curious and
flew near the butt and took a closer look. What he found was a bee stinging
the butt so hard that the elephant was crying puddles and pools.
So it asked the elephant,
Sweetie, whats wrong?
The elephant said,
Please get rid of that bee. I will do whatever you want me to do.
Sure deal sweetie.
The bird in one swift move plucked the bee deep from the butt and ate it.
The elephant got so relieved that it licked the bird and said
Now tell me, Oh the one who flies, what is that you want?
Oh the one with big butt, I always wanted to fuck an elephant, doggie style.
The elephant thought on it for a while. She was a virgin. But whats a little birds tiny prick gonna make any difference. She thought.
She lifted her tail and let the bird in.
Monkey right from his childhood was never satisfied with whatever he had.
He always wanted to have more and exotic. He ditched his loyal wife and
loving kids and stayed alone a tall coconut tree just because they got boring.
That day a strange thing happened. A big elephant stopped under the tree and
a tiny bird started fucking the elephant from behind. The monkey got such a
huge hard on that it started masturbating.
As the birds movements got faster so did the monkey’s hand. The elephant
Oooh. Oooooooh. Oooooooooooooooh.
The bird started hitting harder and harder.
The monkey got shafter and shafter.
In the frenzy monkeys hand hit a coconut.
Coconut straight down fell on elephant’s head with a huge thump.
Elephant shouted so loud that the whole jungle heard it.
The bird oblivious to what happened stopped fucking, opened its eyes and
from the behind shouted towards the elephants ear
Oops. Did it hurt dear?