Search This Blog

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Saala Gabbar. Aa be aa.

We called him Gabbar singh. A singh looks odd in a
south Indian engineering college. This singh was a six
footer and well built. He looked too macho and too out
of this world. He was three years senior to us. In other
words he was equivalent to God.

People gave him his respect. He never stood in queues.
Food, toilets, bathrooms, hot water, tea, coffee,
cigerettes, lab, city buses, you name it, he used to
get it. Queues? Not his game. We, lesser mortals had to
fight for everything, an extra puri, relieving a bloated
stomach, what not and what the fuck not.

Gabbar singh was the lion king. He was just too
invincible. (That was because he was accidentally misplaced
in juniors hostel.).

Every one used to wake up late. Except few souls. Madhav
and I were one of those souls. Madhav always wakes up in
an emergency mode. He had to empty his stomach at any cost
with in few minutes he wakes up. On a normal day he does that
without any hindrance because he wakes early. On a normal
day he gets to choose his favourite toilet because he wakes
up early.

That day wasn't normal. The chicken 69 that was served
the night before created several emergency wake up
situations that morning. For the fisrt time in his life
Madhav had competition. Just when he couldn't hold it any
longer he finally got an empty toilet, but then, Gabbar
entered and said, 'Ahoy. Stop there. I gotta go'. Madhav waited
outside with his eyes bulged, legs crossed, hands knotted
around his head, counting every micro second for full
ten minutes.

Now, my best buddy Madhav was a true hot blooded young gun.
Fuck Gabbar he said, the next day, I want to take revenge.
The idea of striking at the invincible Gabbar enticed me.
We hatched a plan.

One advantage we had was, from our room we had a view of
the corridor to the bathrooms and toilets. In other words,
we could keep vigilance. The next day when we saw Gabbar
entering his LU, we ran downstairs and reached the toilets.
One, two and three. Aha! The third one. The invincible
Gabbar was singing inside. May be singing makes it easier
for Sikhs. We thought. We unveiled Step 1. Madhav and I
started banging on Gabbar’s toilet door so hard that the
door looked like as if it was going to fall off.

Gabbar shouted from inside, Saala, Bhosdike, Bhainchod…….
That was sheer adrenaline rush for us. Stepping into
a senior’s territory was unthinkable in those days. With
great courage we mustered,
Saala Gabbar. Aa be aa. Baahar aa.

We could imagine the lion king fuming inside. Just when
we thought Gabbar was about to quickly finish his act and
open the door, we darted upstairs. (Madhav and I had an
instinct for these kind of things). We reached our room
and watched Gabbar roughing up some innocent juniors to
know who it was. That night we became kind of celebrities.
Saala, Gabbar caught on like wild fire.

Next day morning, before entering the toilet, Gabbar looked
around and marked all the men. Immediately we ran down,
waited for Gabbar to start the act and then started banging
on his door. Saala, Gabbar. Aa be aa. Baahar aa. Most
of our buddies and dudes were too shell shocked at out
sheer audacity. Getting caught in an act like that meant,
literally, death. Gabbar started his *chod profanity.
(We knew too little hindi to understand what he was saying).
We performed a superb and clean act that day. Just before
Gabbar opened the door shouting at the top of his lungs we
disappeared. Most of our buddies too, out of sheer panic
disappeared that day.

On day three an interesting thing happened.

how did gabbar trap smiley?
what did smiley do?

more in the upcoming

Saala Gabbar. Aa be aa.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Happy Birthday Alpha

Some people are cool. Some people are not. (Duh)You get to be comfortable with some people and you get to be stiff with others.(Duh)

They say (Ok, I made this up) work your way through, rewards follow. I didn’t start jdv to make friends. I just wrote. I ended up making beautiful and loving friends. Babita, Adi, Lee, Pyari Fairy, LL, Neil, Two P, Alpha etc.

Usually for me, it takes years to build a comfortable relationship. I usually stay in my shell. With some I just instantly be myself and be cool.

Alpha is one such. (This praising stuff is getting repetitive lately. But still...)

Not a single day had passed with out her comment or post making me laugh ever since I met her online. (That was a complex sentence. Patrix, grammar check?)

She is such a cool and beautiful chick. (Yeah winners! she is taken.)

To mouth shut, to grumpy, to mouth open, to the evil twin, to a plethora of other characters, to our collective sweetheart, to our alpha, to the queen bee-

May God double bless your already blessed and happy soul with many more blessed and happy years and May you bless us with your happy, unmatched, amazing and enduring wit for many more years to come.

Three cheers to Alpha.

Yours lovingly,

The usual gang of losers, winners, oldies and moms. (And all those lots of hot chicks who anonymously read this blog.)

P.S 30: Alpha just turned thirty.

P.S 2.0: I tried to come up with a wonderfully written happy birthday post. But I aint good with words like Lee or Patrix. I tried to come up with a cool gimmick just like Fairy does on her blog (floating balloons and stuff). But I aint good with gimmicks. I tried to come up with a nice cartoon to post. But I aint good with scheduling to have enough spare times for stuff like that. So, ended up being the same old smiley. Tall on promises, short on delivery. (Gee, I hope this doesn’t get extended to my sex life). So, I ended you up with a silly happy birthday post. Whatever girl. Go break a neck. Kick a butt. Do all that Jinchak stuff. Its your birthday. On the other side of the world, remember, you have friends to say cheers to you.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Hymn to the Mother of the Gods

Hail to our mother,
who caused the yellow flowers to blossom,
who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to our mother,
who poured forth white flowers in abundance,
who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to our mother,
who caused the yellow flowers to blossom,
she who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to our mother,
who poured forth white flowers in abundance,
who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to the goddess who shines in the thorn bush
like a bright butterfly.

Ho! she is our mother,
goddess of the earth,
she puts life in the desert,
in the plains, in the water
and in the moountains.

Thus, thus,
you see her to be a model of liberality
toward all flesh.

And as you see the goddess of the earth do to the
wild beasts, so also does she toward the green herbs
and the fish.

An ancient Aztec Hymn
A free translation

Friday, June 18, 2004

Smiley meets Lee - Do
Smiley, the Bindaas dude

I did twenty pushups, twenty abs, bleached my face (used a face scrub) and called Lee.

Me: Sweety Lee. I am still in Mumbai.
Lee: Mo maa?
Me: Jeez. Are you back on that meditation thing again?
Lee: (Thoo). I was brushing my teeth. Stupid.
Me: Ok, send me an SMS.
SMS: So what?

I some how convinced her that I was worthy enough to meet atleast during her lunch hour.

Lee: Ok, I can meet you for two minutes. I eat lunch at 1 PM at a restaurant that is right across the street. I cross the road to reach there. You can cross the road with me.
Me: Holy Grandma. Holy cow. Holy cow dung.

I met Lee at her office door.
Lee looked so cute. She wore a jeans and an orange top. I was afraid that I would eat her mistaking for an orange candy.
Lee: You look good. Ok, I will spend the whole afternoon with you.
Me: Holy Grandpa. Holy other Grandma. Spooking. Somebody stop me.

Lee took me to a huge corporate office and introduced me to a lot of her friends. Lee introduced me to her mom. (Or, was that her sister?). Lee treated me with a corporate lunch. Lee then took me to a beach. We walked for a long time. Lee then took me to Barista. Lee treated me with a Guava shake. Lee then took me to Dalal Street. Lee took me to BSE. Lee took me to a book store. Lee took me to a snack joint. We had American Chow Chow Paw. Then Lee took me to the Marine Drive.

I told her about myself, my ambitions and about my friend baboon. She laughed. Pretty soon, I found out that she wasn’t laughing but yawing. Lee then gave me a book. As a gift.
Idiots guide to winning a girl in thirty days.

But why would I need this book. I already won you. I thought. (Leaving the yawning part). Lee then took me to a huge book store. She showed me the books she liked. She showed me some cartoon books and read me some cartoons. We laughed. (This time it was real). Then she said it was time to say good bye.

On our way back I bought couple of mints. (Who knows? May be it was time for that hug and kiss). I dropped her at her station, shook her hands, thanked for everything and left in my cab. Oh, by the way, I gave a spike of a hedgehog as a gift to her. (Two Penny told me that girls would love stuff like that).

If my killer smile (barring the gap between the front teeth) doesnt impress her, my gift would.

I am sure. I am a winner. I am from HBM.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Smiley Meets Lee - Ek
Lee, the Jinchak chik

Ok, I admit. I made up that Mumbai trip. I went there to just meet Lee. (I am that desperate to get out of that winners club of HBM). Unfortunately for me, my timing sucked. (It always sucks.) The day I landed in Mumbai, Lee was just back from a ten days meditation camp.

Me: Sweetie Lee. I am in Mumbai.
Lee: mo maa? (She wasnt supposed to speak that day).
Me: Ok, send me an SMS.
SMS: So what?

Well, that was an unexpected branch of the flow chart I drew in my end. (My flow chart was supposed to take me and Lee to Lonavala).

I convinced her somehow that I was worthy enough to meet atleast that evening.

Lee: Ok. I can spare you two minutes. My office is right across GT station. I get out of my office at 6:00 and will cross the street to catch the train. You can cross the street with me.
Me: Holy mama. Sounds fantastic. (Ha! Finally. I am going to be a real winner. I am going to be a winner. Laa la lallaa laa laa. I am going to be a winner.)

I met Lee at her office door.
Lee: You look good. Ok, I will spend two hours with you. But you have to pay the bills.
Me: Holy Papa. Spooking. Somebody stop me.

Lee took me to a beach. (Or was that India kings? Sorry India Gate? Sorry Gateway of India?) She showed me the old Taj and the new Taj. She showed me a shady Arabic joint.
She treated me with a masala corn. She took me for a walk on the beach side road. One wave broke on us we almost got wet. (TP dude, stop imagining things. Remember? She is Sis Lee).

Then I saw, Mc Donalds.
Me: Can we have fries there?
Lee: Sure. But you will have to pay.
Me: Spooking.

She took wedges. I took fries. While eating.
Lee: Who is your favourite author?
Me: (Let me look like I know stuff). Ayn Rand. I like him a lot. I like the way he runs the suspense throughout the book.
Lee nodded in agreement.
Me: (Am I getting good at this or what?) Who is your favourite?
Lee: Stephen king. I like spooky stuff.

Then Lee took me to a pub with Mario Miranda cartoons on the wall. I had couple of beers and she had couple of zeers. I had chicken and she had lollipops. She laughed for all the jokes I cracked and all the adventures I told. Finally when I was telling her how my friends dog always liked sniffing my ass I realized that she hadnt been laughing but yawning. I thanked her for her time and said good night.

Day 2.

I woke up and scrubbed my face with a rabbits tail. (Adi gave me this, before I left to Mumbai. He said it worked for him everytime.) I looked at the man in the mirror and said
Dude, dont you worry. You are gonna win Lee today.

will Smiley win Lee?

Read next

Smiley Meets Lee - Do
Smiley, the Bindaas dude
Pre Scriptum

It was such a nice experience. Lee was way too patient in
honoring my whimsical wish list (of seeing around) and taking
a day off to spend time with me. I bored her for sure. But she
covered it well. Lee is anything but the person I have depicted
in the post. My intentions were anything but the ones I have
mentioned in the post. Wild Comments are welcome and having fun
is welcome. But lets also honor the lady’s dignity.

*Starts the drum roll*


Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby present

Smiley meets Lee Ek, Do

Read next

Smiley meets Lee - Ek
Lee, the Jinchak chik

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Salaam Mumbai I come.

(14th and 15th in Mumbai.
16th and 17th in Lonavala.)

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Upcoming stuff

Saala, Gabbar. Aa be aa. (Ek aur Do)
Harmony continued
Delirium, Sorrows of a loser
The art of a woman (I, II, III, IV)
The heart of a woman (I, II)
Attack of the killer bunnies (I, II)

Monday, June 07, 2004

Good times

Surely, these are good times for old bloggers.
Alpha is back and with a bang.
My favourite Yougustus is back.
Patrix is back.
Two penny is raising the bar with each of his post.

Alpha, Two Penny, Patrix, Yogi...I am glad to have
you on my co-bloggers list.

Saturday, June 05, 2004


Our good old (not that old) alpha is back. Alpha, we missed you like hell.

Lee is gone on some weird trip. Nobody heard anything from her lately.

Nonick is not smiley.

Babita's application for loan at her local bank to buy two tons of anti aging cream was declined.

Neil, Lazy, Dawg and Non sensai are still virgins. Two penny is not.

Patrix recently tried/visited Viagra/Niagara.

Twilight Fairy is a 33 years old male.