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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Booze, Lies and your friends wives

As a bachelor, I have my set of problems. My best friends wives. Its the plural of My best friend's wife. Its not an easy job. Trust me. You need to win your friend, his wife's trust in you, her trust in him. As you can see, its a delicate job.

As a bachelor it is your responsibility to make sure the old friendships continue. Not your married friend's. I am like 'been there and done that' in this segment. Here are my rules for the young bachelors out there.

1) Always praise her beauty (No matter how fat she is after the delivery)

I know this is too obvious. But it works. Like magic. Always. Your bachelor girlfriend might not have the resources and time to wear a matching pantie, but housewives (or even working wives) have plenty of these. So look for simple stuff like matching ear rings(obviously you cant comment on the matching bra). Acknowledge it specifically. She will become your best friend that night.

You:"I like your ear rings. Hmmm.. did you do your eyebrows lately?"
She:"Blah Blah Blah"
You:"Look at that. Your watch strap matches your first bangle. Thats cool."
She:"Blah Blah Blah"
You:"Sigh. You are almost hot tonight"
She:"Smiley, I saved this Gummadikaya Iguru for you. My husband doesnt like it anyway."
You: Ignore your friend and have that Gummadikaya Iguru.

2) Always praise the food (No matter how greasy it is) and always return her tiffin boxes

As a bachelor, you get to eat at every home you know. Wives come in different sizes and skills. So do their chicken curries. But it shouldnt effect you. Never go with "the food is good". Go with "Hmmm.. I like this brinjal curry. Its quiet different from the way my mom's. Simily, if you dont mind, can I take home some"? She will be glad to give you some. Unfortunately, it is followed up with a really difficult act. You need to remember to eat it the next day, and most important, you need to return her box.

"So did you enjoy the brinjal curry the next day too?"
"What brinjal curry?"
"That day I gave you na! Also I need that box back. I told your friend to remind you"
"What box?" (You have already converted it into an ash tray for your game watching friends.)

Now, thats trouble.

3) Never call her home

"Hi Simily, how are you?"
"Fine Smiley. Thanks for calling. How are you?"
"So did you guys have fun yesterday?"
"Stop joking. You are actually irritating me"
"What ...?"
"Yeah, yesterday my mom wanted to take us out and your friend stayed back at your penthouse and now you are teasing me. Ha"

Your best friend uses you as alibi for several different reasons and you are not the only friend he is got. So never ever call her home unless you have a full update from your friend.

4) Never pick her call (and never respond to her emails and never respond to her SMSs)

This usually is trouble and is totally unnecessary.

5) Always praise the kids


6) Listen to her (and never offer advice)

It never stops. It is complaint after complaint. About your friend. Listen. Listen. Listen.
And thats all there is to it.
"He is so lazy. I dont know how do you spend time with him. He doesnt even talk to me. He is always watching TV"
Trouble:"Hey, thats not the case. When he is with me, he talks a lot"
No Trouble: Listen.

7) Never take your friend's side (in front of her)

See above.

8) Always take your friend's side (rest of the time)

Come on, he is your friend. No matter how right his wife is, you should always take his side. Thats all there is to it. Thats all there ever is to it.

9) Never listen to your friend

Women have amazing ability to complain and still be okay with it. So when your friend's wife says
"I hate him. He snores. I cant sleep. He never takes me out. He is always having fun weekends with you. He never takes care of the kids. I hate his parents too. How can anybody live with him", surprise, surprise, she may not mean it. So dont jump to conclusions. Listen. Listen.

But when your buddy, after couple drinks offers to tell you how bad his sex life is, just cut him off. Because he can never live with that fact for the rest of his life, that you know how bad his show is. Dont listen.

10) Dont win her and never ever make a move.

Remember, you are winning your position as a friend. You are not competing with your friend. Always forget her birthday. And, no matter where it is, how it is, how many drinks after it is, how intimate it is, never make a move and never ever accept a move. (Unless your best friend is a girl. In that case, brush off her husband from your mind and make your best move).


Giri said...

హ హ..బావుంది..

Anshuman Dimri said...

Great post.

I hope you are keeping your identity well hidden from your friends and their wives. :)


:-) said...

Giri dude! How did you do that? (I mean the telugu font). Cool.

Anshu: Yeah. Its (hope) a lousy option. But thats what a I am hanging on to for now. :-)

Prakriti said...

Man, this is brilliant advice :D, though I follow up on most of it (and the chicken curry) already :D

Leela A said...

:-) Vintage Smiley. I miss the old gang.

:-) said...

Prakriti: :-) There you go man

Leela: Yeah me too :-))

Anonymous said...

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Non-Sensei said...

Ha ha! brilliant.
if only i had read this earlier. or rather, if you had written it earlier...!

:..M..: said...

Write a new post!! It'll give me something interesting to read :)

:..M..: said...

Write a new post!! It'll give me something interesting to read :)

:..M..: said...

Write a new post!! It'll give me something interesting to read :)

:-) said...

Sensai :-)

::M:: Ok, Ok. You dont have to tell me thrice. I will write one for you.