Search This Blog

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Bring home a bahu. Babu!

Ok. I am leaving. I will come tomorrow morning. Yeah, I remember that I need to bring my pressure cooker while coming.

All three moms stood to say bye. They walked me to the door.

The younger one said, “Babu, we are all praying for you” and without any warning, she suddenly started crying.

This kind of shocked me. Not the crying part, but the praying part. What do you mean by praying?

Sniff. Sniff. Vinny and you are like my sons. You guys are of same age. Whenever I look at you I think of my son. Whenever I look at him, I think of you.

Really? But, why confuse yourself like that? ..and...ha ha ha...and..why do I need your prayers? If you havent noticed, my business is picking up day by day and I bought a brand new laptop just yesterday.

We want to see you settle down. Sometimes we dont understand how you are managing. Your mom never tells, but she is a worried soul.

I looked at my mom. Her eyes were already busy manufacturing a new set of waterlets (rhymes with applets). I looked at the elder one. She started a new round of prayers.

I thought I killed my ego at Vipassana. But three moms worrying about me hurt my ego. I was not comfortable with the idea that they think that I am not a happy person. Vinny always tells me that I must be the happiest person on earth because I have an Xbox and a 44” TV. Also because, I could get a house thats quiet near my office. Also because, I am not overweight like him.

I am the happiest person on earth. Ask Vinny. I told them.

No, you need to get married. Younger mom. We have a girl in our mind. Elder mom. New set of waterlets. Mom.

Sniff. Sniff. We dont understand why you said no to the last one. Sniff. Sniff.

I know the girl you have in your minds. Sorry, I dont get any sparks when I think about her.

Screw sparks. Spark theory is all bull. We know it. She is such a nice girl. She will be an excellent match for you. This is Mom's (Goddess Durga) wish. Younger one.

Mangalam. Mangalam. Elder one.

Elder one suddenly started crying. She glanced at my balding head and added “and you are aging”. We thought atleast you yourself will bring home a bahu. We are open to that too. But you couldnt.

What do you mean by COULDNT? I know a lot of girls. Come on. Its not like I couldnt but it didnt happen. I guess I am working on it.


Yeah. Like, OK, if you want to know. I proposed to this hot chick named Leela, last time I met her in Bombay. She is pretty. No, she is hot. Mm..actually she is pretty. She reads a lot and she can cook. She likes bungee jumping, water rafting, rock climbling. She can sing Norah Jones like Norah Jones. She loves children.

What did she say?

She said she cant marry someone who thinks a Pav Baji is a quarter bajji. Thats too much of a cultural difference. She thinks.

Quarter Bajji?

Yeah, she said a quarter Bajji is her favourite dish.

Tch. Tch. Those Bombay people. Always working hard to meet their ends. Bring her home son. We will feed her lots of full bajjis.

Thats what I told her. Silly girl. She said no. Anyways, she is in Dubai now.

Any one else?

Yeah. I know a girl in Delhi.

North Indian people? But we dont know much about them.

I know something about her. Her grand dad was like good at catching chicken. During partition he caught a lot of them in Afghanistan and sold in Delhi and got married with that money.


And what?

Is she fair?

Ha she is so fair, her name is Fairy. If you pinch her cheeks they turn pink.

Really?? And?

And what? And, she works as a manager.

Works!!!!!!!!!!! Manager? I dont understand how women manage to be managers. But will she listen to us?

Listen? She will kick your ass if you dont listen to her. She also is good at detecting lies. Like next time you steal money from Dad's pocket, she is gonna detect it and report it to him.

Mom suddenly became nervous.

Dont worry. If you cant deal with that, I know a girl in Hyderabad. But she is in Europe now and she is gonna come back.

And who is she?

Her name is Mahati. She is cool. She is hot. She is pretty. She recently learned singing. As far as I know she can cook cookies and brownies.

What is she doing in Europe?

She is doing her Masters. Some kind of criminal psychology.


Yeah, she studies criminals, rats, abused children, rats and men. Btw, she is good at understanding whats going in your mind. Next time you think about stealing money from Dad's pocket, she is gonna detect it and report it to dad. Not only that, she will summon you for a therapy.

My mom stopped crying and started thinking.

But dont worry. I know a girl who is gonna fit in like a perfect fit.

Her name is alpha-2. She is one tenth Tamil, one tenth Telugu and so on and the last three tenths are American. She is fair. She is tall. She can cook. She can draw and I dont know about her singing talents. But, she has a fetish for female nudes. You better be careful while changing dress before her.

Thats OK. We all girls like watching each other.

Really? I didnt know that. She is working but still is traditional.

She sounds too good. There must be a catch.

Yeah. She is married.

Do you have like any normal friends?

Let me finish.

To be continued…


alpha said...

You are hilarious smiley! This completely cracked me up. Get hold of Gabby, no no..not like that. She is preggy on top of that. I mean she is good at setting people up..she has a good resume.

Earth Monkey said...

I like where this one is heading :)

I mean, for a moment I thought that this post was a blog PR disaster. But then you are a genius at saving the day.
*bows in awe*
Master, teach me... :)))))) Or buy me beer. Whatever!

Twilight Fairy said...

LOL! Didnt realise when I started reading that I am featured here!! :)

But Smiley jee, first - I am not a manager..just a mere tech lead.. second - hey, I am also in Europe! forgotten already?

And about my "weekend destinations| - just wait and watch.. there are more coming up :D

alpha said...

Fairy, all safe at home?

Sita said...

what if it were for real.. hmm..
wait. is it for real?

Twilight Fairy said...

alpha, yeah all is.. thanks for asking.. :)
presume u talking abt the delhi blasts..

alpha said...

of course!

:-) said...

alpha: So this is laughing matter to you? You think this is a joke? Ha! Yeah where is Gabby. I need her. Gabby..o..Gabby.

Monkey: One thing is for sure. This doesnt involve Patrix. Ash is gonna kick my ass if it does. Always walking the rope. Arent we?

Fairy: How will it NOT involve you? Just want to confirm. Do you turn pink when pinched?

:-) said...

Sita: Baby, so you too think that this is a joke. Hey, wait a minute. How I didnt mention you?

Fairy: Gald to know that everyone is safe at home.

Alpha: The stories are heart touching. One mom went to shopping with six months baby and the baby got blown. What a shame.

Twilight Fairy said...

Smiley, I turn red (not pink) when I am angry or laughing. No one so far has had the guts to try pinching me.. but I think I will defi laugh when I see you :)

Leela said...

When you finish with all the girls on your blogroll, are you going to start with the boys? Just asking...

Btw, thanks for thinking I can cook. I usually have a hard time convincing people :-D

Nice post, Smiley. Hurry up with Part 2.

:-) said...

Fairy: You know what Fairy? I dont have to pinch your cheeks. The first time I am gonna kiss you on your cheeks you are gonna turn pink anyway (ok, red).

Leela: Why are you giving away the plot? I loved the bread (with jam and butter) we had on the trek. I thought you applied the jam.

Swathi said...

waiting eagerly for the Sequel

GratisGab said...

Well yes, I have had a fair success rate with the matchmaking buz I run on the side....but the good things in life don't come cheap you know. So if this "business is picking up day by day" statement can buoyed with supporting documents, you are well on your way to becoming a much-married man soon. Please to be sending resume along with check. No photo or horoscope required. I don't believe in horoscope fundaes and after reading "balding" line, I think we are better of playing up your INNER beauty.

Yes, this Alpha-2 does sound too good. Have you met the real Alpha? LOL!

sita said...

hmpf. you forgot me!

Anonymous said...

After Sorrow this? Good one. So are you gonna find someone yourself soon to satisfy your moms or do you need our help. What say you Alpha? Lets start bride hunting for Smiley :-) - Babita

Prerona said...

reminds me of yogi's blog ... alpha? kya?

this is becoming like a kahani ghar ghar ki scene!

what are you - the last man single? i thought they were all gone! :)

alpha said...

Arey, lot of people talking to me here. And all of them girls... don't any men come here Smiley?

Gabby: I'd like to think that the only thing that is detering men from seeking my hand is that i am actually married. What an irony! Poor Pi, getting all the curses..stop, do not say a thing..let me continue dreaming. I think you should extend your services to playing up your friend's virtues too.

babita- I am not into that kinda stuff. Can't let go of male admirers to some stupid woman.

Pre- Actually it does..Just like Yogu he is shunning all potential girls...these bald guys have issues...being bald is just a one of them.

Sigh! You and Yogu could have been happily married by now. Gabby wud agree. BTW, any liking to Smiley?
He used to be gay, and now he is gone back to the for all practical purposes..people think he is straight.

Adi said...

ha ha ha ha

ho ho ho ho

he he he he

breathe ... gotta ...

Smiley's gotta way with the ladies ... can't deny that ...

all bow

the ladies-man cometh !!

Patrix said...

LOL. Hilarious. Too bad..err...good I can no longer write such posts. But loved the way you got turned down by Leela for quartering her

Ph said...


:-) said...

Swathi: Why wait for the sequel. You can change the course of the sequel by joining me for a dinner tonight. What say?

Gabby baby: I appreciate it. But I have shortlisted you as one of my probables. Is this going to create any confusion in you shortlisting probables for me? Psst..dont go too loud on that balding line. Inner beauty my ass, just tell them the guy attended Vipassana. Chicks buy that kind of stuff.

:-) said...

Sita: No sweetie. How can I forget your cheerful smile?

Babita: There you go lady. Hope you are done with golden sigma belt. Yeah. My message been loud and clear. Find a girl.

Prerona: And who are you baby? The last single woman stading? (Not yet taken) That species got exticnt long back.

:-) said...

alpha: Yogu and Smiley. Hmmm. No. Let me dream on with alpha and smiley.

adi: dude, its a paradox dude. I am no ladies man. I am looking for ladies. All these chicks are just watching the fun.

Patrix: Nice to have you the mighty Patrix here. Hey could you tell Leela that thats really not an issue. Thanks dude.

:-) said...

Ph: :-) Hey whats up?

Prerona said...

lol smiley - i was going to use that line - then i thought last man standing bolna thora riskey ho jayega ... specially with new blog friends - thora good girl hona mangta hain na? ;@)

dont say that, though - abt the species being extinct. i'm surrounded by people around my age and still single. all the 'boys' not yet taken are kids or, ummm ... crooked

alpha, i thought yogi got hooked and all? where is he these days? long time no see. if u talk to him tell him i said 'hi'

Prerona said...

lol alpha, i just read the 'happily married part' ... u mean smiley and yogu?

:..M..: said...

And that's what I was thinking. You are happy in Hyd because of Moi!! I was wondering when would I be mentioned in all this talk.

And I can cook more than just brownies (btw, you bake those, silly). I can make you proper food also. Don't you see the tam-tam I'm doing about my cooking these days!?

GratisGab said...

Smiley - No confusion. "Probable" being the operative word of course. It might hurt having to settle for second-best though...but Vipassana thingie teaches you to deal with stuff like that doesn't it? All you will have to do is concentrate hard enough on the list I provide and the "could-have-beens" will transition into "has-beens". Give me a couple of days. And Alpha don't cry, we'll find you other boys that find you desirable. Give me a couple of years. :D

alpha said...

Gabby: Thanks for the constant reminder on how mean you can get! *add appropritate sticky-tongue smiley*

GratisGab said...

Alpha -I try and try but you still beat me hollow in that department!

Ash said...

Boy oh boy, am I glad you're sticking to the women for now :)

And come on, marriage shouldn't be a deterrent for you; be a man, take a stand , fight for Alpha !

Global Indian said...

Hilarious!! 'Quarter' bajji is too good.

alpha said...

now now ash, just coz you want to keep Patrix from Smiley's way, you throw him at me?! What kind of justice is this? Maybe Part 2 has you triumphing over all of us. Maybe he realised that's the only way he can get close to patty.


Just trying to get a word in, here, edge-wise. Just wanted to say that I hear you. Even though, I don't have a mum on my case. In fact...never mind. No sob stories. May I usurp the sentiments expressed in this post and say they're exactly mine? Guess, I just did. Better go and resume the hunt.

Smiley ka mama said...

Arey beta... ye kya ho raha hey??
Call me immediately!

:-) said...

Prerona: You know single girls looking for single guys (good guys) ...what are we waiting for?

Hey Leela, suddenly things are falling in place on my side too.

Prerona: good girl and stuff? You are being too formal. Yeah pull that jeans another inch down. There you go baby.

alpha: Me and yogu? And they meditated happily ever after? Ha ha.

:-) said...

%^$M$^%: Yeah come back to Hyd and make me more happy. :-)

So you can cook? Cool. That satisfies two thirds of the equation. Kaaryeshu dasi, bhojyeshu maata. Now lets move on check out the last one. Sayaneshu Rambha.

alpha: Baby dont you worry. I have a list of people who would jump off the cliff for you.

Gabby: Couple of days? Thats all it takes for you? Holy mama. Give me your phone number.

ash: You havent read the sequel yet baby. And yeah, thanks for the hint. Meanwhile you go out look for a nice girl for Pi. We dont want singles in this world. Do we? Baby!.

:-) said...

Ravi: Thanks. :-)

Mama: Give me couple of days. I will call back with your bahu along with me.

:..M..: said...

I thought you wouldn't need to check on that one!

rj said...

hey dude... cool stuff here... waiting for part deux.. hope it leaves upto to the expectation of the prequel(sic)...

GratisGab said...

awwww....cinema love and all...Alpha, Pi would sensibly think twice before jumping off a cliff, I say you go with Smiley's list :D

Of course he would head that list...So think long and hard.

Smiley, note for future (at least 2 days) - desperation: very big turn-off. All cool factor earned thru Vipassana will be nullified.

Anonymous said...

m: mmmmmmmm....but i still would love to check ol that ole *am I drooling?*

Ravi: man you are adding to the pressure ...largely the sequel is gonna suck. Regular readers know it :)


Anonymous said...

Gabby: thank you baby. Ok, Let me act as if I dont care. I am cool. I care a pin. Girls!!!! Aint they messy? *lights cigar and rides horse towards the sun*


Leela said...

Ok, so you're focussed on the girls here. But it doesn't hurt to notice the guys, y'know. For instance, you'll notice that the 'Ravi' you've replied to is actually a 'Rajesh'.

Rajesh: The sequels are fun, but the real action is in the comment box. Wotsay Smiley? :)

alpha said...

Lee, get a life..just because he calls you hot, or pretty you get all excited and spend the rest of the day in this comment box. tsk tsk.

He better have a sequel..since Pre compared him to Yogu, I am afraid, there will be none.

:-) said...

Leela: My mistake. Rajesh. *grin* Hi Rajesh.

Alpha: Dont put pressure on me like that. You know I suck at sequels. Gee, what do I do now. *biting nails*

Leela said...

Alpha: tu bahar aa ja...

Sameera said...

lol damn good one.
u know how to sustain the interest of a girl :-)

good work..dint know the characters were real....

TWPAdmin said...

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!

I have a texas marriage license
. It pretty much covers texas marriage license
related stuff. It's full of resources and articles. Come and check it out if you get time :-)

:-) said...

Sameera: Thanks.