Smiley Goes to Vipassana

You? Vipassana? Are you sure? Mr. Sharma enquired.
Hold on dude, I told my friend on my mobile, turned towards Sharma and gave him this Duh look. Why do you think I drove all the way to here and filled in this silly application form?
Do you know anything about Vipassana? Sharma enquired further.
Dude, I will call you back. I told my friend and gave this give me a break dude look to Sharma and told him. Yeah I know everything about Vipassana, Dalai Lama, Buddha and Angelina.
Who is Angelina?
Did I say Angelina? I meant Leela. She is friend of mine. She took this course.

Sharma looked very unconvinced.

For the first time I realized that admissions are not automatic and not granted. I need to pass through Sharma's scrutiny. I became very nervous. I already bought four oversized Jockey Underwears for this meditation thing. I am not going let them go waste.

I put my mobile in silent mode and sat a little erect.

A lot of young men like you (thank you baseball cap) walk in and they get disillusioned in no time. Sharma said. Besides they end harming themselves by developing this intense negative feeling about the whole thing. Do you know what it is like to spend ten full days at Vipassana? Its not a vacation. You will working intensely for ten hours a day for full ten days. Everything you see, feel, eat will be against your will. Some times a minute lasts for days.

Bah, I endured a flat chested, whining, crying chick for a month. Everything was against my will. I can do this. Besides if Fairy can do this, why cant I?
Who is Fairy?
Did I say Fairy? I meant Leela. She is a curious chick. If she sees a road, she will definitely cross it. Ha ha ha.

Sharma threw my application into a dustbin.
I got extremely nervous. Now what am I going to do with those oversized underwears?

Look Mr err...Smiley, Vipassana is not fun, its not an adventure, its not cool, it needs total dedication, hard work and submission of your will.
Sounds like me.
No, of course not. I have been practicing Vipassana from the past twenty five years. I have seen thousands of people. I know. I dont want to judge you, but please think about the whole thing again.

Dude Sharma, you will regret this moment for the rest of your eventless life. You are denying Vipassana an oppurtunity to get in touch with Smiley. You are coming in between a historic and momentous moment. Can you tell me that I am not going to be the next Buddha? You cannot.
By denying the oppurtunity you proved yourself to be judgemental. Which means, you are still judging events, people. You are still associating them with your self, ego and past. I would say you wasted twenty five years of your life.

I added, What I said about you is true. So , its going to hurt your ego. You havent conquered your ego. Instead of admitting the fact that you were judgemental, you are going to deny my admission. Good bye Sharma.

Sharma, took the admission out fo the dustbin, he turned it over and jubiliantly said, Ha! You need to be introduced by an old student. No one introduced you. So I cant let you in.

Hope beckoned. I immediately took my mobile. She this Rani Mukharjee I told you about did this post after she did her Vipassana. I read it. It is technically as good as being introduced by her.
Rani Mukharjee did this course? Where?
I meant Leela. She is a good friend of mine. You can see, I showed him the SMS I sent to Leela that morning
Happy Diwali :-)
and Leela's reply to it
Stop bothering me :-(

Sharma very reluctantly gave me a confirmation. Two female foreign (British) students walked in. One of them said, I need to check my email. Sharma didnt understand a thing and said ya ya.
She went into the computer room. Sharma longingly looked at her. See, videshi vanita she is, she is been living here from three months. What dedictation? What dedication? He looked at me and asked. What do you think?
I looked at her and said
Yeah, nice butt.

I shook Sharma's hands and said, Thanks for letting me in, you will be proud of yourself in very few days. Sharma looked a little nervous and a lot worried.

P.S: What do you think? If Sweetie Lee can do it, I cant do it-aa?
My course starts from Nov 15 and ends at Nov 26th.
May the smiling buddha emerge. :-)
May you all live in peace.

Patrixy

I am feeling a little Patrixy today.
First, let me lampoon Patrix and his kind..



Hyderabad Shoe Shine

A proposed Outer Ring Road for Hyderabad (Part of V 2020) is finally approved. The land grabbing has already started. This ring road is supposed to usher a new era of western style sub urbs life style. Thumbs up.

A mega 'Central' mall by the name Hyderabad Central was opened last week and has already got rave reviews. (By teenage love making lovers).

To support the outer ring road HUDA is coming up with 22 (twenty two) satellite towns around the ring.

A super flyover with a mini flyover over that super flyover is coming up to digest the congestion between Begumpet and Banjara Hills. Now, take the ramp at Grand Kakatiya and exit at Banjara. No stops. :-)

India Super Shine

The grand Infy ADS is an indicator of whats going to be the next wave of corporate India. If I am right (which I always am) there will be a major (exponential) influx of foreign fund flow into India. Not just because of the FDI but also because of external borrowings by corporate India.

The moment RBI regulated the overly regulated external borrowing (dollar funds) channel to protect the volatile rupee, every CA and CFO charted out plans to borrow the low interest and cash rich west funds. What we are seeing is a realization of that implementation. Next quarter, we should see an all time high rate of external borrowings. It is good for the corporate India. Ironically, RBI will have to step in, and reregulate the unregulated, again in another two to three years to prevent a crumble down like that of the paper East Tigers (that happened during the end of the Clinton era) and the domination of external factors.

Nehruvian Urban Secular Socialists

Some schools are teaching their kids the negative effects of 'Celebrating Diwali'. It causes sound pollution, air pollution, wastes lot of paper etc. So, the convent going, english speaking, urban hip kids pledged not to 'celebrate' diwali. Not only that, they want to spead this 'awareness' to the rest of the India. So they are painting the perils of Diwali. Fuck them all. I have just ordered a shit load of diwali crackers. I told my office boy to pick the loudest, smokest and litterest possible damaka stuff. If you see a guy distributing these crackers to the slum kids in Madhapur on the night of diwali, its me. (Thats what I have been doing from the past two years).

What a day :-)

At the breakfast table..
Smiley: It went super smooth. I kind of touched that 'sweet spot'.
One little nudge and it was over. All I had to do was just shake off at the end.
Eddie:Yeah. Yeah. Mine too. By the time I read Garfield, it was over.
I wish every day starts like this.
Gello:What are you two talking about?
Smiley&Eddie:About how we shat this morning.

Good morning :)

It wasnt a planned management policy. It actually started pretty innocently on a fine lazy sunday morning. I sent an SMS to my cousin Vinny. The SMS simply read

Good morning :)

Vinny immediately called me and said,'Dude, how are you doing? Yeah I am doing good. Thank you and you have a wonderful day'. I was surprised by the warmth in his tone. So the next day morning I sent him another SMS the moment I woke up.

Good morning :)

Vinny called me again. We wished each other a great day. Then Vinny forwarded that SMS to all of his staff and clients. Neither of us expected the kind of response we would get. Almost all the people who received the SMS either sent a reply or called Vinny back.

The next day Vinny sent me that message even before I did. It lasted for couple of weeks. It became a kind of game between the two of us. Who would get up first and send that SMS. During that week Vinny discussed with me the kind of new enthusiasm this SMS is building in his sales and administrative staff. Everyone was getting up a little early and the moment they saw him they were throwing this huge smile. It kind of became an announcement among the staff. Look I got up at 6:00 AM today. On an average he was receiving not less than a dozen Good Morning :) SMS every morning, with in two weeks.

So, I extended this to my staff too. The response was the same. Warm and welcoming. The next day I sent that SMS to everyone in my phonebook. To say that this simple SMS literally rejuvenated all of my contacts would be an understatement. I sent this SMS to the Company MDs to Office boys. The response was always the same. No matter how the previous day ended, my staff would get up anticipating this message. Many a differences were settled. Many of my clients beamed. Many new contacts turned into new business. (I am not exaggerating). Some SMS lazy guys, when met in person, mentioned that they were receiving these SMS.

Like all the new fads I thought this one would be dead in a week too. Even though I stopped sending those SMS (I send that SMS to very special few), I still receive atleast half a dozen of them in the morning.

Two days back my accountant walked into my room and was rattling on cutting costs. He informed me that we consumed 4.7 cups of tea per day per head last month. We agreed to cut it down to 3 cups per day. Entertainment cost per head for sales people came around 750. We agreed to cut down it to 400 per head. He then held the H-Bomb and told me in a dramatic tone, You wont believe this, last month, our staff sent SMS worth Rs.6543. We can easily take out 5000 off that.
No, I said, take off all limits on that. Thats the best investment we ever made on our HR.

So, my Grandma was right

A male Homo floresiensis returns from the hunt. Found on the island of Flores in Indonesia, these ancient humans grew no taller than a three-year-old modern-human child. Their small size led scientists to nickname the species "hobbits," after the tiny Lord of the Rings characters. The first such individual found was female. Since then at least seven individuals have been found, including males.

The archaeological find will be featured in a National Geographic Channel program to air in early 2005.

Illustration by Peter Schouten

A dinner that never was.
Ek Chicken Biryani aur Do Kingfisher.

After a long time Eddie and his wife Gello invited me and Dimmy for a dinner.

Dimmy and I went. Eddie's 12 months kid Cheddi embraced, kissed and gladly welcomed us in. Gello said Hello. Dimmy and I praised her kindness and her saree. We admired her beauty and remarked how lucky Eddie was.

Gello smiled till her lips touched her ears. She asked us to be comfortable and went into the kitchen to make an additional dish for us. Eddie, Dimmy and I were watching cricket on TV while the kid tried to draw our attention to him. We ignored him. The kid went into the kitchen and started bothering Gello. Gello came out and asked Eddie to put the kid to sleep. But Eddie was too busy watching cricket. So I took up the job. I told the kid a story. I told the kid how a sparrow makes its nest. I told him about the mating calls made by frogs, by making those sounds. He laughed and laughed and suddenly fell asleep. Proudly I handed him to Eddie.

Eddie went inside his bedroom and put the kid on the bed. He annouced, Gello, I put the kid to sleep. Gello shouted back, Be careful. Watch him. He rolls in his sleep. We were back to watching cricket. Gello would shout from the kitchen every two minutes, Are you watching the kid. Eddie would shout back, Yes and Eddie would run into the bed room to check the kid. It went on for about twenty minutes. I got tired of Eddie and gave him a brilliant idea.

Why dont you put pillows on both sides of the kid and save us from this disturbance? Eddie beamed and did exactly that. By then Gello finished making Chicken biryani, Raitha and went onto making Sambar and papads. India was winning. Gello would shout from the kitchen every two minutes, Are you watching the kid?. Eddie would just sit in chair and shout back Yes and then would give me that you are my best buddy look and then I would nod back in agreement.

It went on for another ten minutes.

Then we heard this sickening thud. Yeah the thud of a soft baby's head falling from a good three and half feet high and hitting the marble below is sickening. It took Eddie couple of seconds to register what had happened. His face went extremely pale after he realized. He jumped into the bedroom. Dimmy and I got suddenly uncomfortable. With in couple of seconds we heard the kid crying at the top of his whatever little lungs.

I went into the bed room for the rescue. The kid thing totally turned red and opened his mouth so wide crying, I could see the food he had for dinner. Eddie was shivering. We came out of the bedroom and my legs trembled when I saw Gello.

Gello looked pure anger. Her nose turned red. Her face turned red. Her eyes turned red. She was so angry that she was gasping for air. She hissed Give me the kid and snatched the crying kid from Eddies hands. Eddie became clueless.

Wow! I didnt know he can roll over a pillow. Ha ha ha. He said.
You son of a triggerless gun. You good for nothing couch potato. All you ever do is sit and watch that stupid TV. There isnt a thing that you can ever do right. Gello shouted.

We were least prepared for this outburst. Eddie couldnt stand this humiliation right in front of our eyes. His macho image crumbled like a crumbling sand castle. He got angry but had the sense to not to show it.

He said something like, He is my son. He is strong enough. When I was kid I fell from a two storied building.
Ok, now we know why your brain is half dead. If you ever fucking call him your son again, I am going to kill you. You never was a good husband. You never talk to me. The only thing that ever matters to you is your office, your friends, your stupid cell phone and cricket. I cant stand this anymore. I am leaving. Sob sob.

Eddie looked half dead for sure.

Then I made my move. I said, Gello, pillow was my idea. Not Eddies. Its my fault. Wow, look the kid stopped crying. Now can we just move ahead and enjoy that biryani? Hmmmm...it smells so good.

She simply said, No biryani for you.
I looked at Eddie. Eddie looked at Dimmy. Dimmy tried to look busy checking sms in his cell phone.

Cut to:
Munching on my chicken biryani, sipping on my second beer, wathcing the match in a shady bar I asked Dimmy who was sitting opposite to me, for the dozenth time
Huh! How could Cheddi roll over a pillow?

Hello world

Evolution is some how a word that misleads you. It makes you think that
we are evolving towards something better.

Adding to it, We are self aware. This self awareness made us special and
superior to the rest of the species we were told.

But how does self awareness makes you superior? Thought is a by product of
self awareness. Does that make us superior? How and why? Why are we so sure?

What makes you superior?

You can build better buildings than an ant can?That makes you superior only if
the ant is comparing its hill with your building.But the ants dont care. You are
the one who is comparing.

What if the ant says,Hey I can trace food with my antenna thats 100 meters
away. You cant find that cookie crumble in your sofa.
What if the ant says, Hey I can lift a weight thats 100 times my body weight.
What if the ant says, Hey long before you thought of socialism, communism
and found religions, we discovered living a selfless life, to live for a society.

The thing is, your metrics for superiority are your metrics. Not the ants.
Ants dont even have metrics. Actually that makes them too superior because
you can NEVER beat them. No matter how complex a thing you evolve into.

The new age culture and science told you that you are superior. Western
individualism and I CAN, I WANT, I WILL and I AM cheese cake pop
philosophies flourished just because of that. They are pop. (In the same week
America discovered that Monica saved the wipes of Clinton's bursts in her
closet, thousands died in Gujarat. I dont need to tell which news made it to the
covers of TIME. Thats what pop is all about. What you like to see is what you get.)

This I AM thing took us too far.
This egoic I AM lets us say I AM right, this IS the truth.
We found religions that said I am right. You are wrong. So convert.
We found religions that said I am. You are not. So die.

In a way, we are just as preprogrammed as ants. They have antennae.
We think. Thats it. In terms of evolution we are no superior than a fly.
We might be a major impact on its direction with our devastation powers
as a species put together.

This self righteousness gave us right to kill every other living organism.
See, we can think. They cant. So, we have a right to.

We flourished because of our strengths. There is nothing wrong in it. Its one
of the fundamental qualities of life. To multiply. To be ruthless and to be
selfish. Always at the expense of another life. Thats how this system is built.

But, unfortunately multiplying doesnt mean 'better'. This must be just a blip.
A spike in the curve. Chance favoured us. Big ones died. Climate favoured.
Continents came closer.

Even then we were just the same. We co existed, related to and learned from
them. The more you trace back your folk tales the more you can discover how
humble our thought process used to me.

A mere two thousand years which isnt even a snap in an evolution year cant
make us superior. Actually nothing makes you ever superior than your fellow
beings.We are all same. With different qualities at different quantities. We are
just another possible outcome of this ever multiplying and morphing
gene machine.

On this day and at this hour, I am denouncing my attributed superiority. I am
accepting the fact that the ant thats crawling on my hand now is just as unique
and as important as I am.

I am saying, Hello world.

P.S: I hope that the other ant thats been hiding in my underwear right from
this morning gets these vibes and stops biting me.

Krishna

Just playing with this new Hello thing that lets me post pictures directly to my blog.

Delirium
Love has no matter

I took two steps forward.
Cage moved forward with me.
Took two steps side wards.
Cage moved side wards.

I ran.
Cage ran.

I rolled.
Cage rolled.

She was there. Outside the cage. I knew I could never get her.
I guess she knew it too. But she stood there as if she was more curious about
what is going to happen than in seeing me out of it.

Why is the cage?
Because you want to get out of it.

They said time started the moment the bang happened. Before that, there was
no time. Before that, there was no matter. Because time as we know it is linear and unidirectional. They said, you cant peek past the bang, where no event was
ever measured.

If matter can neither be created nor be destroyed, where did matter come from?

Matter is the initial condition of the universe. You cant get past it.

Is there anything that can be created out of its own?

Everything is a morph. Just various instances of energy and matter. You cant
create new instances. You can only change the attributes. The sum of all
energies is always the same.

What about information? Where did it come from?

What do you mean?

This post never existed before. I CREATED it.

This universe cares a fuck about your post. It is at balance. You just spent
some energy to DO something. To run or to think, who cares? You just
converted one form of energy into another.

I created information. It can be consumed. Unlike energy, it need not be
reproduced for every consumption. It doesnt morph with every consumption.
It doesnt even know about consumption. It is independent of its consumption.

I dont know how many people are going to consume this information. This
information is going to be consumed, in other words created, in I dont know
how many peoples heads, for I dont know how long. Why cant I call every
consumption an instance? Something that was not there before?

In other words, in theory, a bit of information can be replicated infinitely in
every corner of the universe. Number of replications or instances do not directly
or indirectly draw energy from the original bit.

Where is it going?

I am saying that the energy sum of all the bits of information that is ever
created from this post is higher than the energy required to create this post.
This is a clear contradiction to the law of the universe. Energy can neither be
created nor be destroyed. So I am wrong. But for me to be wrong, I must have
created anti Information for every instance of information I created.
Something of antiBit sort.

So?

If the cage exists as long as I want to get out of it, if antiBit is true, it should
disappear if I dont want to get out of it.

He laughed to death.

Ok, this is your last time. I am not going to let you out of the cage anymore. Neither excuses nor theories are going to work next time.

The cage disappeared.

She stretched her arms.

I ran towards her. To love her and to make love to her.

My mom

My mom and my cell phone

Its all because of your cell phone. She said. It heats up your brain.
I have seen it in discovery channel. They send signals and waves into your brain.
And you have a faulty one.

Faulty one?

Yeah, you have been trying to repair it all the time with that stick.

Uh? Oh…that’s called a stylus and my cell is a touch screen. It aint faulty.

My mom and my Xbox

This movie sucks. No story, no emotions. She said.

Movie?

Yeah, the bank robbery one that you are watching. And why are you
rewinding it so many times?

Uh? Oh…that’s a video game I am playing. Its not a movie.

My mom and food

Son, shall I serve the lunch. She asked for the tenth time.

Mom, I just finished my breakfast and had two apples meanwhile.

Tea or coffee? I bought these biscuits for you yesterday. They are so tasty.

Mom, I just had my lunch.

Here, I seeded this pomegranate just for you and I am frying your
favourite papads for dinner.

Dinner? Isnt it five in the evening?

My mom and sky

Bujjiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Mom, I told you to use my name. Not that Bujji stuff.

Look at the sky. Its so colorful.

I crawled out of my bed and into the balcony.

The sky was colorful.

I like watching sky filled with clouds in the evenings. Its Gods creation.
We are blessed. She said.

Look at the birds mom. They are going home.

Isn’t life beautiful?

Yeah mom, yeah.

She watched the clouds and I watched the birds until the sun set.
After a while, darkness consumed everything.

Time's Arrow

Energy spontaneously tends to flow only from being concentrated
in one place to becoming diffused or dispersed and spread out.

A Six Piece Sexy Nightie

My cousin Vinny came to the town yesterday. After couple of beers I asked him,
How is Winny? Is she still sexy? How is your sex life?
Sigh.
Whats wrong dude? Is the kid still bothering you?
(The curious kid and the sex starved Vinnies.)
No, its getting plain plain lately.
Why?
I dont know how to put it. I am not attracted to her like I used to be.
Vinny stared into the ceiling for a long time.

I think its natural. You should try something different.
We did. I tried doggie style yesterday. Still didnt work.
No, not that different. Something else that makes her look different.
Like how?
Like, ask her to get a new hair style, be more aggressive, watch a porn flick
together or go out to a new round of honeymoon.
Dude, you dont understand it. I tried that stuff.

This afternoon we did some shopping.
Vinny suddenly remembered that the day after is Winny's birthday.
I need to buy her nice pair of sandals.
You and your sandals. Ok, lets go.

We walked into a fancy store which had lots of Chinese imported stuff.
They had a separate section for ladies. It was filled with a lots of imported lingerie.
Vinny, may be you should try one of those transparent, light weight and really
cute bras. I know Winny wears Tantex. One thing I know about those bras is
that they arent sexy. I suggested.
Yeah.

Now, the lingerie section was filled with sexy sales girls.
I picked a big boobed one and asked her to show some 'Interesting' bras.
All girls giggled. (Thats what they do.)
Sir, this is for who? Giggle. Giggle.
I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable and said
Vinny, may be you should take charge and pick something interesting.

They showed us lots of stuff. See through ones, non-existing ones, slightly existing
ones and threadly existing ones.
Vinny visualized Winny in every pair of 'bra and panty' and drooled.
I visualized the Sales girl in every pair of 'bra and panty' and drooled.
(I have to confess that I visualized Winny in some of the pairs.)

Do you want to see 'nighties'? We have some interesting stuff.
The sales girl suddenly said.
Then, she went onto display some mind blowing varieties of nighties.
I saw that kind of kinky stuff only in porn flicks and in hollywood movies.
I never knew that in real life, that kind of stuff existed. The piece de resistance
was a 'Six Piece Sexy Black Nightie'.

Here is the panty. (A piece of thread with lace work attached to it).
Here is the bra.
Here is the top.
Here is the short.
Here is the cover.
Here is the over.

Pack that for me. Vinny beamed.
But will Winny wear this stuff?.
She will. She already has a four piece white nightie.

I was shell shocked. We walked out.

To me that was an interesting experience. Now, I know what I should buy
for my non existing girlfriend to make our non existing sex life a little bit more
interesting.

I

I eat anything. I was my moms favourite son in that aspect.

I dont like being interrupted while I am reading, watching a movie,
thinking or talking.

I think I have the most beautiful feet in the world.

I am a very patient listener. I totally empathize or totally pretend.
Either way,I listen.

I am not curious about other people's lives. I dont ask many questions.
If I do that, then thats certainly an exception.

I like myself a lot.

I tend to avoid arguments. Many times I dont consider the other guy worthy
enough or the outcome worthy enough.

I use an extremely soft cotton pillow. I sleep on my back, hands on my chest.
I dont snore and I keep myself away from people who snore.

I have lots of clothes. But you will see me wearing only those two T-Shirts.

I dont comb my hair.

I am extremely comfortable in discussing any part of my life. People who are
around me often reveal their inner most secrets to me at their own peril.

I tend to be very stiff in the beginning. It takes years for me to establish an
informal relationship.

I did not hurt anyone physically, so far.

I guide, inspire, motivate dozens of people around me. The control and influence
I exert sometimes scares me.

I dont lose friends. They are usually for life.

I can forgive ANY mistake.

Contrary to the popular belief, I dont spend much time on girls or on finding girls.
The opposite is true. I spend a lot of time avoiding noise in my life.

Smiley is not me. He is a character that evolved. (Which is another living proof of
the Unified Blog Theory).

I tend to be too grand and abstract with my ideas. I am a poor executioner. My
vision tends to be brilliant and complete. Implementation tends to be
incomplete and inconsistent.

Just another day

Rajiv Gandhi is coming to our city today.
My auto driver informed this morning.
Oh yeah! How do you know?
I know stuff.
Like, how?
I see all these cutouts. I see all these cars from the airport.

Just saw Spiderman 2. While I was waiting to get into the theaterI
bought a big pop corn and a medium coke. Armed with, strolling, I found
and looked at these 'just out of oven' chocolate chip cookies. I stared at
them for a long time. The dude said,
Sir, you want one?
No thanks. Just drooling.
I insist. Take one. Its on me.
So, I had a free 'just out of oven' chocolate chip cookie.

I know you will think that I am making this up, but still, I feel obliged
to share. This morning, to make a coffee myself,
I added one tbsp sugar, one tbsp instant coffee powder, filled the rest of
the cup with hot milk and made myself a nice coffee.
After my bath, I took a cereal bowl,
added one tbsp of sugar, one tbsp of instant coffee powder, corn flakes,
filled the bowl with warm milk and made myself this cereal that sucked.
Yuck.

Two Magicians

She became a duck, a duck all in the stream
And he became a waterdog, and fetched her back again

She became a star, a star all in the night
And he became a thundercloud and muffled her out of sight

She became a rose, a rose all in the wood
And he became a bumblebee and kissed her where she stood

She became a nun, a nun all dressed in white
And he became a chantry priest and prayed for her by night

She became a trout, a trout all in the brook
And he became a feathered fly, and caught her with his hook

She became a quilt, a quilt all on her bed
And he became a coverlet, and gained her maidenhead!

Aug 13, 2004

Dear Diary,

Tuyu tuyu tuyutoom tuyutoom
Tuyu tuyu tuyutoom tuyutoom
Tuyu tuyu tuyutoom tuyutoom
Please open the door.

Thats the new calling bell my dad installed at home. Its driving
my mom crazy. My dads logic: I needed a ring tonethat specifically
tells me to open thedoor. All these calling bells and cell phone rings
are confusing me.

***
I am going to Mumbai (again). Lee told me thather dog is having a
severe headache and she cant meet me. I hope her dog gets well soon.

***
Yesterday I asked my driver to get me some pasturized milk and
corn flakes. He brought me nestle milk powder and complan. Then I
asked him to mix four spoons of milk powder in a cup of hot water and
add one spoon of complan. He added four spoons of complan and one
spoon of milk powder.

Gaya Ball

I got so tired of driving from this end of this city to that end of that city.
Taking an auto sucks. What do youdo for that long sitting in an auto?
Besides no auto dudewould come.

So I opted for Public Transport system. Take a bus. I dont remember
when was the last time I used a bus. (Eight years? Ten years?) Couple of
friends adviced me to take 'Veera' bus. (Special).

On the first day, the moment I entered the bus stop, a veerabus came.
I got in, got myself a comfortable window seat. Tooka small nap.
Woke up, got down. Holy fuck my lord. This simple, ha!

In the evening, the moment I entered the bus stop, a veerabus came.
I got in, got myself a comfortable window seat. Tooka small nap.
Woke up, got down.

Yesterday.

I waited in the bus stop for 40 long minutes cursing myself loudly. It was
drizzling. Finally an 'ordinary' bus came. Itwas filled with people. I convinced
myself into that bus.It wasnt a bus. It was a sea of stinking armpits.
Wherever I put my nose, therever was a stinking armpit.
Now I know why they call us pigs.

I hardly had 8 inch by 4 inch ground place to stand. (To balance).
I had a wallet with good amount of cash and two cell phones, a spare
battery, a pen in my pockets and a bag on my shoulders.
Beware of pick pocketers. A red paint read.

Conductor came, felt my dick and asked for a ticket.I gave him a note.
He gave me the ticket and felt my dick.He then rested his ass on my leg
and started writing something on an excel sheet.

One dude placed his hand on one of my pockets. Another one,on my bag.
What are they thinking? That they can steal something from me? Never.
I watched the dudes carefully. Conductor felt my dick and left.

It was an hour long journey during which I gaurded my pockets and bag
several thousand times. With every push andpull someone would fall on me.
I would check my right pocket, left pocket, front pocket of my bag, back
pocket of my bag.

With every stop people would get down and more people would get it. I
would check my right pocket, left pocket,front pocket of my bag, back
pocket of my bag. Conductor came, felt my dick and said, next stop is
yours. Conductor felt my dick and left.

I made myself a way out of the bus. The moment I got out, I took a
deep breath and checked my right pocket, left pocket, front pocket of
my bag, back pocket of my bag. I felt like a champion. I managed in an
ordinary bus during the peak hour whithour being robbed.

Smiley you are the man man.

Went home, swithced on the heater, got into the shower, looked down
below the belt. My dick looked odd and lonely. When I realized what had
just happened, I fainted.

The conductor stole my balls.

How many sex units are you?

Sex unit = the amount of energy required to have sex. (Humans).
Lets call it Su.

It depends.
For Mr.Quickster it is just 50 calories.
For Mr.Stagster it is about 350 calories.
Lets take a decent average of 200 calories/act.
Let us make it one unit.

One Su = 200 calories.

Now calculate how many calories are you.

Take me.
I am 73 kgs.
@ 1 Kg = 2.2 pounds, I am 160.6 pounds.
We know that it takes 3500 calories to build up one pound
of human flesh.
@ 3500 calories = 1 Pound, I am 585200 calories.

One smiley = 585200 calories.

One sex unit = 200 calories.

One smiley = 585200/200 = 2926 Su.

Two thousand nine hundred and twenty six.
Thats an awesome figure. I feel so good.

Here is the formula.
I = W*2.2*3500/Su.
W = Your weight in Kgs.Su = 200 calories.
I = You in Su.

Eat more. Feel better.

Happy Birthday To You

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, Dear Lee,
Happy birthday to you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today is our sweetie cutie pie Lee's
birthday.

*Lee bows to the audience*.

P.S:

Dont leave so soon.

After we smash this cake on to her face we have some
dhoom dhaam stuff coming up.

Fairy and Babita are going to address with
'Getting Older. How does it feel like?'.

TP is gonna perform his 'Me so hot, me so wet' lambada in the pool.
Adi and Smiley follow it up with their nogun banana dance.
(Organizers are looking for a pink undie of Adi's size).

Good old granny alpha is making cookies for all of us.

To ice it up we have 'hot NRI mamas' fashion show.
Enigma, Babita and Ph aaaaaaaare gonna make you rock n rolllllll.

Fairy, Granny alpha, Pinky, Mahati, Cynic and Goonda are gonna perform
'Too cheez badi hi mast mast'.

Its one looooooooong kick ass night.

Bling bling bling.
Ching ching ching.
Ding dong ding.

Just did it

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
The pretty girl said.