Smiley Goes to Vipassana

You? Vipassana? Are you sure? Mr. Sharma enquired.
Hold on dude, I told my friend on my mobile, turned towards Sharma and gave him this Duh look. Why do you think I drove all the way to here and filled in this silly application form?
Do you know anything about Vipassana? Sharma enquired further.
Dude, I will call you back. I told my friend and gave this give me a break dude look to Sharma and told him. Yeah I know everything about Vipassana, Dalai Lama, Buddha and Angelina.
Who is Angelina?
Did I say Angelina? I meant Leela. She is friend of mine. She took this course.

Sharma looked very unconvinced.

For the first time I realized that admissions are not automatic and not granted. I need to pass through Sharma's scrutiny. I became very nervous. I already bought four oversized Jockey Underwears for this meditation thing. I am not going let them go waste.

I put my mobile in silent mode and sat a little erect.

A lot of young men like you (thank you baseball cap) walk in and they get disillusioned in no time. Sharma said. Besides they end harming themselves by developing this intense negative feeling about the whole thing. Do you know what it is like to spend ten full days at Vipassana? Its not a vacation. You will working intensely for ten hours a day for full ten days. Everything you see, feel, eat will be against your will. Some times a minute lasts for days.

Bah, I endured a flat chested, whining, crying chick for a month. Everything was against my will. I can do this. Besides if Fairy can do this, why cant I?
Who is Fairy?
Did I say Fairy? I meant Leela. She is a curious chick. If she sees a road, she will definitely cross it. Ha ha ha.

Sharma threw my application into a dustbin.
I got extremely nervous. Now what am I going to do with those oversized underwears?

Look Mr err...Smiley, Vipassana is not fun, its not an adventure, its not cool, it needs total dedication, hard work and submission of your will.
Sounds like me.
No, of course not. I have been practicing Vipassana from the past twenty five years. I have seen thousands of people. I know. I dont want to judge you, but please think about the whole thing again.

Dude Sharma, you will regret this moment for the rest of your eventless life. You are denying Vipassana an oppurtunity to get in touch with Smiley. You are coming in between a historic and momentous moment. Can you tell me that I am not going to be the next Buddha? You cannot.
By denying the oppurtunity you proved yourself to be judgemental. Which means, you are still judging events, people. You are still associating them with your self, ego and past. I would say you wasted twenty five years of your life.

I added, What I said about you is true. So , its going to hurt your ego. You havent conquered your ego. Instead of admitting the fact that you were judgemental, you are going to deny my admission. Good bye Sharma.

Sharma, took the admission out fo the dustbin, he turned it over and jubiliantly said, Ha! You need to be introduced by an old student. No one introduced you. So I cant let you in.

Hope beckoned. I immediately took my mobile. She this Rani Mukharjee I told you about did this post after she did her Vipassana. I read it. It is technically as good as being introduced by her.
Rani Mukharjee did this course? Where?
I meant Leela. She is a good friend of mine. You can see, I showed him the SMS I sent to Leela that morning
Happy Diwali :-)
and Leela's reply to it
Stop bothering me :-(

Sharma very reluctantly gave me a confirmation. Two female foreign (British) students walked in. One of them said, I need to check my email. Sharma didnt understand a thing and said ya ya.
She went into the computer room. Sharma longingly looked at her. See, videshi vanita she is, she is been living here from three months. What dedictation? What dedication? He looked at me and asked. What do you think?
I looked at her and said
Yeah, nice butt.

I shook Sharma's hands and said, Thanks for letting me in, you will be proud of yourself in very few days. Sharma looked a little nervous and a lot worried.

P.S: What do you think? If Sweetie Lee can do it, I cant do it-aa?
My course starts from Nov 15 and ends at Nov 26th.
May the smiling buddha emerge. :-)
May you all live in peace.

Patrixy

I am feeling a little Patrixy today.
First, let me lampoon Patrix and his kind..



Hyderabad Shoe Shine

A proposed Outer Ring Road for Hyderabad (Part of V 2020) is finally approved. The land grabbing has already started. This ring road is supposed to usher a new era of western style sub urbs life style. Thumbs up.

A mega 'Central' mall by the name Hyderabad Central was opened last week and has already got rave reviews. (By teenage love making lovers).

To support the outer ring road HUDA is coming up with 22 (twenty two) satellite towns around the ring.

A super flyover with a mini flyover over that super flyover is coming up to digest the congestion between Begumpet and Banjara Hills. Now, take the ramp at Grand Kakatiya and exit at Banjara. No stops. :-)

India Super Shine

The grand Infy ADS is an indicator of whats going to be the next wave of corporate India. If I am right (which I always am) there will be a major (exponential) influx of foreign fund flow into India. Not just because of the FDI but also because of external borrowings by corporate India.

The moment RBI regulated the overly regulated external borrowing (dollar funds) channel to protect the volatile rupee, every CA and CFO charted out plans to borrow the low interest and cash rich west funds. What we are seeing is a realization of that implementation. Next quarter, we should see an all time high rate of external borrowings. It is good for the corporate India. Ironically, RBI will have to step in, and reregulate the unregulated, again in another two to three years to prevent a crumble down like that of the paper East Tigers (that happened during the end of the Clinton era) and the domination of external factors.

Nehruvian Urban Secular Socialists

Some schools are teaching their kids the negative effects of 'Celebrating Diwali'. It causes sound pollution, air pollution, wastes lot of paper etc. So, the convent going, english speaking, urban hip kids pledged not to 'celebrate' diwali. Not only that, they want to spead this 'awareness' to the rest of the India. So they are painting the perils of Diwali. Fuck them all. I have just ordered a shit load of diwali crackers. I told my office boy to pick the loudest, smokest and litterest possible damaka stuff. If you see a guy distributing these crackers to the slum kids in Madhapur on the night of diwali, its me. (Thats what I have been doing from the past two years).

What a day :-)

At the breakfast table..
Smiley: It went super smooth. I kind of touched that 'sweet spot'.
One little nudge and it was over. All I had to do was just shake off at the end.
Eddie:Yeah. Yeah. Mine too. By the time I read Garfield, it was over.
I wish every day starts like this.
Gello:What are you two talking about?
Smiley&Eddie:About how we shat this morning.

Good morning :)

It wasnt a planned management policy. It actually started pretty innocently on a fine lazy sunday morning. I sent an SMS to my cousin Vinny. The SMS simply read

Good morning :)

Vinny immediately called me and said,'Dude, how are you doing? Yeah I am doing good. Thank you and you have a wonderful day'. I was surprised by the warmth in his tone. So the next day morning I sent him another SMS the moment I woke up.

Good morning :)

Vinny called me again. We wished each other a great day. Then Vinny forwarded that SMS to all of his staff and clients. Neither of us expected the kind of response we would get. Almost all the people who received the SMS either sent a reply or called Vinny back.

The next day Vinny sent me that message even before I did. It lasted for couple of weeks. It became a kind of game between the two of us. Who would get up first and send that SMS. During that week Vinny discussed with me the kind of new enthusiasm this SMS is building in his sales and administrative staff. Everyone was getting up a little early and the moment they saw him they were throwing this huge smile. It kind of became an announcement among the staff. Look I got up at 6:00 AM today. On an average he was receiving not less than a dozen Good Morning :) SMS every morning, with in two weeks.

So, I extended this to my staff too. The response was the same. Warm and welcoming. The next day I sent that SMS to everyone in my phonebook. To say that this simple SMS literally rejuvenated all of my contacts would be an understatement. I sent this SMS to the Company MDs to Office boys. The response was always the same. No matter how the previous day ended, my staff would get up anticipating this message. Many a differences were settled. Many of my clients beamed. Many new contacts turned into new business. (I am not exaggerating). Some SMS lazy guys, when met in person, mentioned that they were receiving these SMS.

Like all the new fads I thought this one would be dead in a week too. Even though I stopped sending those SMS (I send that SMS to very special few), I still receive atleast half a dozen of them in the morning.

Two days back my accountant walked into my room and was rattling on cutting costs. He informed me that we consumed 4.7 cups of tea per day per head last month. We agreed to cut it down to 3 cups per day. Entertainment cost per head for sales people came around 750. We agreed to cut down it to 400 per head. He then held the H-Bomb and told me in a dramatic tone, You wont believe this, last month, our staff sent SMS worth Rs.6543. We can easily take out 5000 off that.
No, I said, take off all limits on that. Thats the best investment we ever made on our HR.

So, my Grandma was right

A male Homo floresiensis returns from the hunt. Found on the island of Flores in Indonesia, these ancient humans grew no taller than a three-year-old modern-human child. Their small size led scientists to nickname the species "hobbits," after the tiny Lord of the Rings characters. The first such individual found was female. Since then at least seven individuals have been found, including males.

The archaeological find will be featured in a National Geographic Channel program to air in early 2005.

Illustration by Peter Schouten

A dinner that never was.
Ek Chicken Biryani aur Do Kingfisher.

After a long time Eddie and his wife Gello invited me and Dimmy for a dinner.

Dimmy and I went. Eddie's 12 months kid Cheddi embraced, kissed and gladly welcomed us in. Gello said Hello. Dimmy and I praised her kindness and her saree. We admired her beauty and remarked how lucky Eddie was.

Gello smiled till her lips touched her ears. She asked us to be comfortable and went into the kitchen to make an additional dish for us. Eddie, Dimmy and I were watching cricket on TV while the kid tried to draw our attention to him. We ignored him. The kid went into the kitchen and started bothering Gello. Gello came out and asked Eddie to put the kid to sleep. But Eddie was too busy watching cricket. So I took up the job. I told the kid a story. I told the kid how a sparrow makes its nest. I told him about the mating calls made by frogs, by making those sounds. He laughed and laughed and suddenly fell asleep. Proudly I handed him to Eddie.

Eddie went inside his bedroom and put the kid on the bed. He annouced, Gello, I put the kid to sleep. Gello shouted back, Be careful. Watch him. He rolls in his sleep. We were back to watching cricket. Gello would shout from the kitchen every two minutes, Are you watching the kid. Eddie would shout back, Yes and Eddie would run into the bed room to check the kid. It went on for about twenty minutes. I got tired of Eddie and gave him a brilliant idea.

Why dont you put pillows on both sides of the kid and save us from this disturbance? Eddie beamed and did exactly that. By then Gello finished making Chicken biryani, Raitha and went onto making Sambar and papads. India was winning. Gello would shout from the kitchen every two minutes, Are you watching the kid?. Eddie would just sit in chair and shout back Yes and then would give me that you are my best buddy look and then I would nod back in agreement.

It went on for another ten minutes.

Then we heard this sickening thud. Yeah the thud of a soft baby's head falling from a good three and half feet high and hitting the marble below is sickening. It took Eddie couple of seconds to register what had happened. His face went extremely pale after he realized. He jumped into the bedroom. Dimmy and I got suddenly uncomfortable. With in couple of seconds we heard the kid crying at the top of his whatever little lungs.

I went into the bed room for the rescue. The kid thing totally turned red and opened his mouth so wide crying, I could see the food he had for dinner. Eddie was shivering. We came out of the bedroom and my legs trembled when I saw Gello.

Gello looked pure anger. Her nose turned red. Her face turned red. Her eyes turned red. She was so angry that she was gasping for air. She hissed Give me the kid and snatched the crying kid from Eddies hands. Eddie became clueless.

Wow! I didnt know he can roll over a pillow. Ha ha ha. He said.
You son of a triggerless gun. You good for nothing couch potato. All you ever do is sit and watch that stupid TV. There isnt a thing that you can ever do right. Gello shouted.

We were least prepared for this outburst. Eddie couldnt stand this humiliation right in front of our eyes. His macho image crumbled like a crumbling sand castle. He got angry but had the sense to not to show it.

He said something like, He is my son. He is strong enough. When I was kid I fell from a two storied building.
Ok, now we know why your brain is half dead. If you ever fucking call him your son again, I am going to kill you. You never was a good husband. You never talk to me. The only thing that ever matters to you is your office, your friends, your stupid cell phone and cricket. I cant stand this anymore. I am leaving. Sob sob.

Eddie looked half dead for sure.

Then I made my move. I said, Gello, pillow was my idea. Not Eddies. Its my fault. Wow, look the kid stopped crying. Now can we just move ahead and enjoy that biryani? Hmmmm...it smells so good.

She simply said, No biryani for you.
I looked at Eddie. Eddie looked at Dimmy. Dimmy tried to look busy checking sms in his cell phone.

Cut to:
Munching on my chicken biryani, sipping on my second beer, wathcing the match in a shady bar I asked Dimmy who was sitting opposite to me, for the dozenth time
Huh! How could Cheddi roll over a pillow?

Hello world

Evolution is some how a word that misleads you. It makes you think that
we are evolving towards something better.

Adding to it, We are self aware. This self awareness made us special and
superior to the rest of the species we were told.

But how does self awareness makes you superior? Thought is a by product of
self awareness. Does that make us superior? How and why? Why are we so sure?

What makes you superior?

You can build better buildings than an ant can?That makes you superior only if
the ant is comparing its hill with your building.But the ants dont care. You are
the one who is comparing.

What if the ant says,Hey I can trace food with my antenna thats 100 meters
away. You cant find that cookie crumble in your sofa.
What if the ant says, Hey I can lift a weight thats 100 times my body weight.
What if the ant says, Hey long before you thought of socialism, communism
and found religions, we discovered living a selfless life, to live for a society.

The thing is, your metrics for superiority are your metrics. Not the ants.
Ants dont even have metrics. Actually that makes them too superior because
you can NEVER beat them. No matter how complex a thing you evolve into.

The new age culture and science told you that you are superior. Western
individualism and I CAN, I WANT, I WILL and I AM cheese cake pop
philosophies flourished just because of that. They are pop. (In the same week
America discovered that Monica saved the wipes of Clinton's bursts in her
closet, thousands died in Gujarat. I dont need to tell which news made it to the
covers of TIME. Thats what pop is all about. What you like to see is what you get.)

This I AM thing took us too far.
This egoic I AM lets us say I AM right, this IS the truth.
We found religions that said I am right. You are wrong. So convert.
We found religions that said I am. You are not. So die.

In a way, we are just as preprogrammed as ants. They have antennae.
We think. Thats it. In terms of evolution we are no superior than a fly.
We might be a major impact on its direction with our devastation powers
as a species put together.

This self righteousness gave us right to kill every other living organism.
See, we can think. They cant. So, we have a right to.

We flourished because of our strengths. There is nothing wrong in it. Its one
of the fundamental qualities of life. To multiply. To be ruthless and to be
selfish. Always at the expense of another life. Thats how this system is built.

But, unfortunately multiplying doesnt mean 'better'. This must be just a blip.
A spike in the curve. Chance favoured us. Big ones died. Climate favoured.
Continents came closer.

Even then we were just the same. We co existed, related to and learned from
them. The more you trace back your folk tales the more you can discover how
humble our thought process used to me.

A mere two thousand years which isnt even a snap in an evolution year cant
make us superior. Actually nothing makes you ever superior than your fellow
beings.We are all same. With different qualities at different quantities. We are
just another possible outcome of this ever multiplying and morphing
gene machine.

On this day and at this hour, I am denouncing my attributed superiority. I am
accepting the fact that the ant thats crawling on my hand now is just as unique
and as important as I am.

I am saying, Hello world.

P.S: I hope that the other ant thats been hiding in my underwear right from
this morning gets these vibes and stops biting me.

Krishna

Just playing with this new Hello thing that lets me post pictures directly to my blog.

Delirium
Love has no matter

I took two steps forward.
Cage moved forward with me.
Took two steps side wards.
Cage moved side wards.

I ran.
Cage ran.

I rolled.
Cage rolled.

She was there. Outside the cage. I knew I could never get her.
I guess she knew it too. But she stood there as if she was more curious about
what is going to happen than in seeing me out of it.

Why is the cage?
Because you want to get out of it.

They said time started the moment the bang happened. Before that, there was
no time. Before that, there was no matter. Because time as we know it is linear and unidirectional. They said, you cant peek past the bang, where no event was
ever measured.

If matter can neither be created nor be destroyed, where did matter come from?

Matter is the initial condition of the universe. You cant get past it.

Is there anything that can be created out of its own?

Everything is a morph. Just various instances of energy and matter. You cant
create new instances. You can only change the attributes. The sum of all
energies is always the same.

What about information? Where did it come from?

What do you mean?

This post never existed before. I CREATED it.

This universe cares a fuck about your post. It is at balance. You just spent
some energy to DO something. To run or to think, who cares? You just
converted one form of energy into another.

I created information. It can be consumed. Unlike energy, it need not be
reproduced for every consumption. It doesnt morph with every consumption.
It doesnt even know about consumption. It is independent of its consumption.

I dont know how many people are going to consume this information. This
information is going to be consumed, in other words created, in I dont know
how many peoples heads, for I dont know how long. Why cant I call every
consumption an instance? Something that was not there before?

In other words, in theory, a bit of information can be replicated infinitely in
every corner of the universe. Number of replications or instances do not directly
or indirectly draw energy from the original bit.

Where is it going?

I am saying that the energy sum of all the bits of information that is ever
created from this post is higher than the energy required to create this post.
This is a clear contradiction to the law of the universe. Energy can neither be
created nor be destroyed. So I am wrong. But for me to be wrong, I must have
created anti Information for every instance of information I created.
Something of antiBit sort.

So?

If the cage exists as long as I want to get out of it, if antiBit is true, it should
disappear if I dont want to get out of it.

He laughed to death.

Ok, this is your last time. I am not going to let you out of the cage anymore. Neither excuses nor theories are going to work next time.

The cage disappeared.

She stretched her arms.

I ran towards her. To love her and to make love to her.

My mom

My mom and my cell phone

Its all because of your cell phone. She said. It heats up your brain.
I have seen it in discovery channel. They send signals and waves into your brain.
And you have a faulty one.

Faulty one?

Yeah, you have been trying to repair it all the time with that stick.

Uh? Oh…that’s called a stylus and my cell is a touch screen. It aint faulty.

My mom and my Xbox

This movie sucks. No story, no emotions. She said.

Movie?

Yeah, the bank robbery one that you are watching. And why are you
rewinding it so many times?

Uh? Oh…that’s a video game I am playing. Its not a movie.

My mom and food

Son, shall I serve the lunch. She asked for the tenth time.

Mom, I just finished my breakfast and had two apples meanwhile.

Tea or coffee? I bought these biscuits for you yesterday. They are so tasty.

Mom, I just had my lunch.

Here, I seeded this pomegranate just for you and I am frying your
favourite papads for dinner.

Dinner? Isnt it five in the evening?

My mom and sky

Bujjiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Mom, I told you to use my name. Not that Bujji stuff.

Look at the sky. Its so colorful.

I crawled out of my bed and into the balcony.

The sky was colorful.

I like watching sky filled with clouds in the evenings. Its Gods creation.
We are blessed. She said.

Look at the birds mom. They are going home.

Isn’t life beautiful?

Yeah mom, yeah.

She watched the clouds and I watched the birds until the sun set.
After a while, darkness consumed everything.

Time's Arrow

Energy spontaneously tends to flow only from being concentrated
in one place to becoming diffused or dispersed and spread out.

A Six Piece Sexy Nightie

My cousin Vinny came to the town yesterday. After couple of beers I asked him,
How is Winny? Is she still sexy? How is your sex life?
Sigh.
Whats wrong dude? Is the kid still bothering you?
(The curious kid and the sex starved Vinnies.)
No, its getting plain plain lately.
Why?
I dont know how to put it. I am not attracted to her like I used to be.
Vinny stared into the ceiling for a long time.

I think its natural. You should try something different.
We did. I tried doggie style yesterday. Still didnt work.
No, not that different. Something else that makes her look different.
Like how?
Like, ask her to get a new hair style, be more aggressive, watch a porn flick
together or go out to a new round of honeymoon.
Dude, you dont understand it. I tried that stuff.

This afternoon we did some shopping.
Vinny suddenly remembered that the day after is Winny's birthday.
I need to buy her nice pair of sandals.
You and your sandals. Ok, lets go.

We walked into a fancy store which had lots of Chinese imported stuff.
They had a separate section for ladies. It was filled with a lots of imported lingerie.
Vinny, may be you should try one of those transparent, light weight and really
cute bras. I know Winny wears Tantex. One thing I know about those bras is
that they arent sexy. I suggested.
Yeah.

Now, the lingerie section was filled with sexy sales girls.
I picked a big boobed one and asked her to show some 'Interesting' bras.
All girls giggled. (Thats what they do.)
Sir, this is for who? Giggle. Giggle.
I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable and said
Vinny, may be you should take charge and pick something interesting.

They showed us lots of stuff. See through ones, non-existing ones, slightly existing
ones and threadly existing ones.
Vinny visualized Winny in every pair of 'bra and panty' and drooled.
I visualized the Sales girl in every pair of 'bra and panty' and drooled.
(I have to confess that I visualized Winny in some of the pairs.)

Do you want to see 'nighties'? We have some interesting stuff.
The sales girl suddenly said.
Then, she went onto display some mind blowing varieties of nighties.
I saw that kind of kinky stuff only in porn flicks and in hollywood movies.
I never knew that in real life, that kind of stuff existed. The piece de resistance
was a 'Six Piece Sexy Black Nightie'.

Here is the panty. (A piece of thread with lace work attached to it).
Here is the bra.
Here is the top.
Here is the short.
Here is the cover.
Here is the over.

Pack that for me. Vinny beamed.
But will Winny wear this stuff?.
She will. She already has a four piece white nightie.

I was shell shocked. We walked out.

To me that was an interesting experience. Now, I know what I should buy
for my non existing girlfriend to make our non existing sex life a little bit more
interesting.

I

I eat anything. I was my moms favourite son in that aspect.

I dont like being interrupted while I am reading, watching a movie,
thinking or talking.

I think I have the most beautiful feet in the world.

I am a very patient listener. I totally empathize or totally pretend.
Either way,I listen.

I am not curious about other people's lives. I dont ask many questions.
If I do that, then thats certainly an exception.

I like myself a lot.

I tend to avoid arguments. Many times I dont consider the other guy worthy
enough or the outcome worthy enough.

I use an extremely soft cotton pillow. I sleep on my back, hands on my chest.
I dont snore and I keep myself away from people who snore.

I have lots of clothes. But you will see me wearing only those two T-Shirts.

I dont comb my hair.

I am extremely comfortable in discussing any part of my life. People who are
around me often reveal their inner most secrets to me at their own peril.

I tend to be very stiff in the beginning. It takes years for me to establish an
informal relationship.

I did not hurt anyone physically, so far.

I guide, inspire, motivate dozens of people around me. The control and influence
I exert sometimes scares me.

I dont lose friends. They are usually for life.

I can forgive ANY mistake.

Contrary to the popular belief, I dont spend much time on girls or on finding girls.
The opposite is true. I spend a lot of time avoiding noise in my life.

Smiley is not me. He is a character that evolved. (Which is another living proof of
the Unified Blog Theory).

I tend to be too grand and abstract with my ideas. I am a poor executioner. My
vision tends to be brilliant and complete. Implementation tends to be
incomplete and inconsistent.

Just another day

Rajiv Gandhi is coming to our city today.
My auto driver informed this morning.
Oh yeah! How do you know?
I know stuff.
Like, how?
I see all these cutouts. I see all these cars from the airport.

Just saw Spiderman 2. While I was waiting to get into the theaterI
bought a big pop corn and a medium coke. Armed with, strolling, I found
and looked at these 'just out of oven' chocolate chip cookies. I stared at
them for a long time. The dude said,
Sir, you want one?
No thanks. Just drooling.
I insist. Take one. Its on me.
So, I had a free 'just out of oven' chocolate chip cookie.

I know you will think that I am making this up, but still, I feel obliged
to share. This morning, to make a coffee myself,
I added one tbsp sugar, one tbsp instant coffee powder, filled the rest of
the cup with hot milk and made myself a nice coffee.
After my bath, I took a cereal bowl,
added one tbsp of sugar, one tbsp of instant coffee powder, corn flakes,
filled the bowl with warm milk and made myself this cereal that sucked.
Yuck.

Two Magicians

She became a duck, a duck all in the stream
And he became a waterdog, and fetched her back again

She became a star, a star all in the night
And he became a thundercloud and muffled her out of sight

She became a rose, a rose all in the wood
And he became a bumblebee and kissed her where she stood

She became a nun, a nun all dressed in white
And he became a chantry priest and prayed for her by night

She became a trout, a trout all in the brook
And he became a feathered fly, and caught her with his hook

She became a quilt, a quilt all on her bed
And he became a coverlet, and gained her maidenhead!

Aug 13, 2004

Dear Diary,

Tuyu tuyu tuyutoom tuyutoom
Tuyu tuyu tuyutoom tuyutoom
Tuyu tuyu tuyutoom tuyutoom
Please open the door.

Thats the new calling bell my dad installed at home. Its driving
my mom crazy. My dads logic: I needed a ring tonethat specifically
tells me to open thedoor. All these calling bells and cell phone rings
are confusing me.

***
I am going to Mumbai (again). Lee told me thather dog is having a
severe headache and she cant meet me. I hope her dog gets well soon.

***
Yesterday I asked my driver to get me some pasturized milk and
corn flakes. He brought me nestle milk powder and complan. Then I
asked him to mix four spoons of milk powder in a cup of hot water and
add one spoon of complan. He added four spoons of complan and one
spoon of milk powder.

Gaya Ball

I got so tired of driving from this end of this city to that end of that city.
Taking an auto sucks. What do youdo for that long sitting in an auto?
Besides no auto dudewould come.

So I opted for Public Transport system. Take a bus. I dont remember
when was the last time I used a bus. (Eight years? Ten years?) Couple of
friends adviced me to take 'Veera' bus. (Special).

On the first day, the moment I entered the bus stop, a veerabus came.
I got in, got myself a comfortable window seat. Tooka small nap.
Woke up, got down. Holy fuck my lord. This simple, ha!

In the evening, the moment I entered the bus stop, a veerabus came.
I got in, got myself a comfortable window seat. Tooka small nap.
Woke up, got down.

Yesterday.

I waited in the bus stop for 40 long minutes cursing myself loudly. It was
drizzling. Finally an 'ordinary' bus came. Itwas filled with people. I convinced
myself into that bus.It wasnt a bus. It was a sea of stinking armpits.
Wherever I put my nose, therever was a stinking armpit.
Now I know why they call us pigs.

I hardly had 8 inch by 4 inch ground place to stand. (To balance).
I had a wallet with good amount of cash and two cell phones, a spare
battery, a pen in my pockets and a bag on my shoulders.
Beware of pick pocketers. A red paint read.

Conductor came, felt my dick and asked for a ticket.I gave him a note.
He gave me the ticket and felt my dick.He then rested his ass on my leg
and started writing something on an excel sheet.

One dude placed his hand on one of my pockets. Another one,on my bag.
What are they thinking? That they can steal something from me? Never.
I watched the dudes carefully. Conductor felt my dick and left.

It was an hour long journey during which I gaurded my pockets and bag
several thousand times. With every push andpull someone would fall on me.
I would check my right pocket, left pocket, front pocket of my bag, back
pocket of my bag.

With every stop people would get down and more people would get it. I
would check my right pocket, left pocket,front pocket of my bag, back
pocket of my bag. Conductor came, felt my dick and said, next stop is
yours. Conductor felt my dick and left.

I made myself a way out of the bus. The moment I got out, I took a
deep breath and checked my right pocket, left pocket, front pocket of
my bag, back pocket of my bag. I felt like a champion. I managed in an
ordinary bus during the peak hour whithour being robbed.

Smiley you are the man man.

Went home, swithced on the heater, got into the shower, looked down
below the belt. My dick looked odd and lonely. When I realized what had
just happened, I fainted.

The conductor stole my balls.

How many sex units are you?

Sex unit = the amount of energy required to have sex. (Humans).
Lets call it Su.

It depends.
For Mr.Quickster it is just 50 calories.
For Mr.Stagster it is about 350 calories.
Lets take a decent average of 200 calories/act.
Let us make it one unit.

One Su = 200 calories.

Now calculate how many calories are you.

Take me.
I am 73 kgs.
@ 1 Kg = 2.2 pounds, I am 160.6 pounds.
We know that it takes 3500 calories to build up one pound
of human flesh.
@ 3500 calories = 1 Pound, I am 585200 calories.

One smiley = 585200 calories.

One sex unit = 200 calories.

One smiley = 585200/200 = 2926 Su.

Two thousand nine hundred and twenty six.
Thats an awesome figure. I feel so good.

Here is the formula.
I = W*2.2*3500/Su.
W = Your weight in Kgs.Su = 200 calories.
I = You in Su.

Eat more. Feel better.

Happy Birthday To You

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, Dear Lee,
Happy birthday to you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, today is our sweetie cutie pie Lee's
birthday.

*Lee bows to the audience*.

P.S:

Dont leave so soon.

After we smash this cake on to her face we have some
dhoom dhaam stuff coming up.

Fairy and Babita are going to address with
'Getting Older. How does it feel like?'.

TP is gonna perform his 'Me so hot, me so wet' lambada in the pool.
Adi and Smiley follow it up with their nogun banana dance.
(Organizers are looking for a pink undie of Adi's size).

Good old granny alpha is making cookies for all of us.

To ice it up we have 'hot NRI mamas' fashion show.
Enigma, Babita and Ph aaaaaaaare gonna make you rock n rolllllll.

Fairy, Granny alpha, Pinky, Mahati, Cynic and Goonda are gonna perform
'Too cheez badi hi mast mast'.

Its one looooooooong kick ass night.

Bling bling bling.
Ching ching ching.
Ding dong ding.

Just did it

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
The pretty girl said.

Tortoise and Achilles

The Tortoise challenged Achilles to a race, claiming thathe would win
as long as Achilles gave him a small head start.
Achilles laughed at this, for of course he was a mighty warriorand swift
of foot, whereas the Tortoise was heavy and slow.

How big a head start do you need? he asked the Tortoise with a smile.
Ten meters, the latter replied. Achilles laughed louder than ever.
You will surely lose, my friend, in that case, he told the Tortoise,
but let us race, if you wish it.
 
On the contrary, said the Tortoise, I will win, and I can prove it to you
by a  simple argument.
Go on then, Achilles replied, with less confidencethan he felt before.
He knew he was the superior athlete,but he also knew the Tortoise
had the sharper wits, and hehad lost many a bewildering argument
with him before this.

Suppose, began the Tortoise, that you give me a 10-meterhead start.
Would you say that you could cover that10 meters between us very quickly?
Very quickly, Achilles affirmed.
And in that time, how far should I have gone, do you think?
Perhaps a meter, no more.
 
Very well, replied the Tortoise, so now there is a meter between us.
And you would catch up that distance very quickly?.
Very quickly indeed!
And yet, in that time I shall have gone a little way farther,so that now
you must catch that distance up, yes?

Ye-es, said Achilles slowly.
And while you are doing so, I shall have gone a little wayfarther, so
that you must then catch up the new distance,
the Tortoise continued smoothly.
Achilles said nothing.
And so you see, in each moment you must be catching up the distance
between us, and yet I at the same time will beadding a new distance,
however small, for you to catch up again.
 
Indeed, it must be so, said Achilles wearily.
And so you can never catch up, the Tortoise concluded sympathetically.
You are right, as always, said Achilles sadly and conceded the race.

This and that

HBM finally broke its jinx. TP is the man.
Non sensai is the man man. They decided to
date each other.

Thanks to Vineeth I got my hands on Halo2(Beta).
Havent got used to the game yet.

Here is some of my upcoming stuff

The story of Mobydick I II III
Male Pride I II
Early Morning Erections I II
And Smiley goes to... I II III IV

Gmail
 
Let me know if you want one.

A mom

1997. I was changing flights at Frankfurt airport. Connecting flight
got delayed by fourteen hours. Unfortunately the shoulder strap of
my carry bag broke. Carrying it with short handles was too painful.
So I had to carry it like you would carry a child. Soon I discovered
that one of the pickle jars inside the box was leaking. So I had
to keep the bad absolutely at 90 degrees. One degree tilt, one degree
leakage.

With in those fourteen hours I had to take a temp visa, do shopping,
use the lu, take bath, eat breakfast, eat lunch, have german beer.
I had to carry that bag everywhere. Hour by hour that bag grew
heavier and heavier. At the end of fourteenth hour, I hated that
bag so much that that incident got burned deep into my cerebrum.

I am sure everyone of us must have gone through that painful
experience. Volunteering to carry the backpack at a picnic,
vacation and soon finding that the bag is heavier than you
imagined. Hour by hour, the pain grows. Minute by minute,
it adds pressure.

Now imagine carrying something, not on the back (which actually
is more comfortable), but in your stomach, for n i n e l o n g
months.

If you can imagine that, you can understand a mom.

She discovers it during her third month. Soon the physical changes
set in. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, it slowly
gets bigger and bigger for six months altering and destroying
everything about her and everything that is her.

Mood swings, sexual activities, physical activities, eating habits,
sleeping habits, periods, career, home, friends, financial matters,
almost everything has to be altered and adjusted to accomodate
the change.

It finally gets to a point when you begin to wonder how any one
can push such a big thing through such a small vent. You would
actually begin to wonder and question the design of evolution.

She endures, miraculously delivers and starts a new life.

If you can imagine that you can understand a mom.

Now replace that backpack in your imagination with a fishbowl
filled with water to the brim. Imagine carrying that fragile
thing everywhere. Imagine a game in which all the rules are rigged
in the favour of that little fish. Imagine carrying the bowl
everywhere, feeding it hour by hour, cleaning it hour by hour,
making sure it doesnt get contaminated hour by hour, making sure
the water doesnt spill. One spill, one virus and one missed hour,
you loose the game. And sorry, its a 24/7 game. No taking rest.

Not only you have to live through it, endure it, but also you
have to 'love' it, unconditionally. This is just level one.
With a year you get to level two. Where you will have two small
fish in the bowl and new dynamics to deal with.

Now throw in few more opponents like, burden of a running a house,
husband, career, shape etc. It is like 'Enter the Matrix'. There
is no return.

If you can imagine that you can understand a mom.

For a working mom, it gets worse. For a working mom living abroad,
it gets still worse.

This miracle of life happens right in front of our eyes and we
ignore the marvel of it. We dont take time to grasp the magnanimity
of it.

Human history has recorded the stories of brave, endurance,
strength, courage, love , passion, lust, intelligence, genius and
thought of men very well. It failed to record the flip side that
silently supported men and their freedom.

Moms amaze us with their endless patience and love. They actually
make it look easier. Men dont like to acknowledge the burden of
pregnancy and raising a child in a modern society.

A mom's love towards her child is almost divine to watch. It is
as graceful a lion's roar, a deer's leap and a cheetah's run.

I know one such mom who shows endless love to her child and cant
stop writing about him, actually nothing but about him. If you ever
visited her blog 'Never Been Better' you would feel her love to
her kid Rohan.

God blessed her again. She is pregnant again. (Stupid moms).

This post is dedicated with love to her. (This modern day warrior
disguised in a soft mask called 'mom').

Happy Birthday Babita. You are HBM's original sweetheart.
On your birthday our two shots of vodka is for you.

Harmony

Continued from

Light from a distant fluorescent lamp filled the room through the
curtain less glass windows. At that past midnight hour, it looked
like moonlight inside the room. Two mosquitoes were singing
beautiful tunes for us. The sky blue blanket was 100% cotton
and very soft. She smelled great. I had a smile on my face and I
was looking forward to every second of that night.

We remained so for a while. Such softness for such a long time in
such a close proximity never happened to me before. I was truly
overwhelmed. I tilted my head a little down. Her hair strayed
and irritated my nose. I adjusted my face to avoid her hair. My nose
touched her forehead. My lips were somewhere near her eyebrows.

I was hardly breathing. I kissed her on her forehead. She didnt move.
For a moment I thought she fell back into her sleep. For a moment
I was clueless. She adjusted her face in such a way that I didnt
have to tilt my head to kiss her again. So I kissed. This time with a
new found confidence and new born love. I kissed her on her still
closed eyes. Placed my hand on her cheek and later cupped that
side of her face with my palm.

I could feel her steamy warmth. I could see the edges of lips,
where the pink suddenly ended, getting more visibly outlined.
When I kissed her cheek I slightly tasted her. She was a little
salty. I wiped out the moist I left, with my thumb. A streak of pale
yellow followed my thumb on her skin. Soon the yellow got filled
with red. I repeated it several times. Her right cheek became
distinctly brighter than her left cheek.

Just when I was to kiss her left cheek she slightly opened her eyes,
placed her hand around my neck, drew closer to me and kissed me full
on my lips. I was least prepared for that soft assault. Oddly,
her lips were a little stiffer than I thought they would be. I didnt
have enough air left in me to hold my breath for a long time. So
I separated myself. Her breath got a little irregular and the
raise and fall of her chest got more animated.

This time I drew closer. Kissed her full on her lips. We repeated
that for many times before at her surprise I let my tongue suddenly
in. She became a little defensive and hesitant. She was a little
sticky inside. The tastelessness of her saliva surprised me.

I took charge and placed my hand on her breast and felt her erect
nipple. I ran my finger along the circumference.

The guy sleeping next to her woke up and started coughing. We froze.
My finger on her nipple just stayed there.

An air of heat and anticipation surrounded us. My heartbeat was
so loud that I thought he would hear it. I regained my senses.

Light from a distant fluorescent lamp filled the room through the
curtain less glass windows. At that past midnight hour, it was
igniting fire in two young hearts. The sky blue blanket was all
we needed at that moment. My finger was still on her erect nipple.
I was just looking forward for that guy to settle down.

Eco Turd

You know you had too much salad when your
shit looks green.

Delirium
Sorrows of a Loser II

I took twenty steps backwards, ran towards the cage and
hit it head on.

The crackling sound I heard was that of my skull.

Everything went blank for a while. A tsunami of pain hit me
later. Like a thunder after a flash. I couldnt take it. I stepped
backwards and fell on to the ground.

My whole life flashed in couple of seconds. Happy faces,
happy incidents, my mom, my dad, my family, my friends,
my achievements and then it suddenly fell into an abyss. The
sorrow that followed only grew in its intensity. I recoiled
with pain. Take me back. Take me back. I murmured.

Soon I realized that I was lying in a pool of blood. Not
just blood but other liquids that were pouring out of my
broken skull. I ran my head to check the damage. I was
stunned to realize the soft mass that my hand touched was
my brain. I checked the cage. It morphed. The design became
more intricate and more puzzling. The cage now appeared
to be layered.

I managed to stand up, trying to push back the brain into
the chambers broken skull. I ran and hit head on again.
It was a soft crash. A spring in the design broke loose and
spiraled through the right side of my brain and emerged through
my right eye.

Aah huh huh. I retched with pain. I pulled my head out. My
eye stayed back. I picked it up and looked at it. My eye.
My eye. My eye that fed me with the beauty of the world,
with the reflections of myself, with the things that I loved,
with the things that I learned and with her smile that I
cherished and lived for.

I ran backwards. My head seemed like having hard time balancing
itself over my shoulders. It was an ugly crisscross. With an
empty slot in right eye, a cracked skull and a half dead brain,
I sprinted for her. A moment before I hit the cage I jumped
into the air and turned around. My back struck the cage with
great force and broke into several pieces.

The cage stood undisturbed.

I fell in an awkward position. My back and ribs broken, the
upper body contoured to an ugly ninety degrees to the lower
one. The legs were twisted into an exact opposite direction.
A pearhead from the design sliced right through my throat.

Aarg arrg arrg.

The flight response took over my body and emptied my bowels
and bladder. I vomited with extreme pain. Some of it, through
the sliced throat. Blood flowed.

I lied with no control over my body in that pool of blood,
vomit, stool, organic acids, urine and tears. I cried for
my mom, I cried for myself and I cried for love. Every hiccup
caused further uncontrollable waves of pain.

Through my tears I watched her leaving me.
Through my tears I watched him shaking his head in disbelief.
Through my tears I watched the world carrying on withself.
Through my tears I watched vultures circling over me.

And then, the sun set. And then, the sun rose.
And then, the sun set. And then, the sun rose.
And then, the sun set. And then, the sun rose.
And then, the sun set. And then, the sun rose.

On the fifth day, the last vulture, after plucking the last
piece of meat from me, drank my last tear and merrily said,
Huh huh, sorrows of a loser.

Delirium
Sorrows of a loser

I need love. I need love. I am too human for this stuff.

You don’t necessarily get what you need or want son.
You have to work with what you have at this moment.

Go fuck yourself, for a change. Not me. I am through.

He was disappointed in me for a while which made me more insecure.
He smiled after a couple of seconds.

I glanced at the lake. Her white sari, protected by couple of
stones from sailing Away was flying like a transparent flag, on
the shore. I could see her through it. She was swimming naked.
She looked like an artist’s dilemma. She didn’t blend well into
the background. Her fairness and smoothness came through like
A contrast. She enhanced the scenery at the same time. Her
curvaceous and feminine moves fit well with the waves.

She looked through and waved at me.

I turned my head away.

An acute pain emerged from inside out. I held my chest and hid
my face from him for sometime. I didnt want him to see my tears.

Son, this desire is going to burn you and kill you.

Who are you to tell that to me? Ha! Who the fuck are you?

The same irritating smile.

I grew impatient and walked away as he approached me.

She came out of the lake to pick her sari. She was worried that
I was leaving.

I started running away.

Stop. He said.

I was enraged. I turned back and started running towards him to
ram him. That’s when my head hit the cage.I didn’t notice it
before. I was separated by a cage from him and her. Blood
trickled down from my skull.

She held the sari in her hands and came running to me. She
put her hand on my head and started crying.

She held my hand onto her soft bosom.

At that moment, I knew I was complete.
At that moment, I knew I was incomplete.

I looked at him. Why this cage? Why?

Accept the cage. It is not the cage that is hurting you.
It is the desire to get out of it that is hurting you.

But why this cage?

It is you who created the cage with your desire.
It was never there.

Then I will destroy it with my will.

You will destroy only yourself.

I leapt with a ferocity that was not known even to me.
I shivered to have discovered such mounting and erupting
frustration within me.

continued.

Saala, Gabbar. Aa be aa. (Duex)


As I have mentioned already, Madhav and I had certain
instinct together. When Gabbar entered the toilet that
day, something stopped us from running down. Gabbar
acted a little smart that day.

He went inside casually and within couple of minutes he
suddenly opened the door to see who was standing outside.
None. He did that again. It was just too much adrenaline
for us. We ran down the third time he locked himself. We
stood before his door. Inside his tap was running. Ok, one,
two, three go. Saala Gabbar, aa be aa. We started banging.

To our utter horror, Gabbar was patiently waiting inside
faking a running tap. The moment we started banging, Gabbar
unlocked the door. Our mind took few micro seconds to
understand what was happening. We held on to the handle
of the door. A fierce tug of war went for a minute.Gabbar,
fuming and shouting from inside was trying to open the door
with all his strength. We were trying to close the door
holding on to our dear lives and the door handle.

We managed to outpull him, then we closed the door from
outside and ran to our room.

Gabbar started his * profanity and started banging and
kicking the door from inside. Nobody dared to open the door.
We lived in panic for a full hour. If there were any last
lines, we crossed them. A defeat of that magnitude will not
go down very well with any senior. Sooner or later he was
going to find out who it was. Images of hanging upside down
from the terrace, running butt naked around the campus,
eating a full toothpaste, licking his shoes etc flashed
in our minds.

Next day, Gabbar looked like someone who didn’t get his
sleep for days. Dark circles grew under his eyes. We watched
in horror, Gabbar like a buffoon, faking the toilet act
and suddenly coming out only to find none outside.

It went on for a long time. We didn’t dare to push it any further.

An astonishing thing happened then. Gabbar faked entering
the toilet for the tenth time. Then, a junior ran towards
his toilet, locked him from outside and started banging on
his door. Saala, Gabbar. Aa be aa. Nobody opened the
door later. We all forgot about him and went to the college.
It was rumoured that, that day, Gabbar neither shouted from
inside nor asked any one to open the door. An unsuspecting
soul who accidentally opened that door around noon was
punched so hard that he saw Divya Bharathi who was long
dead by then.

We never saw Gabbar around toilets again. Within couple of
days, he managed somehow to get a bed in the seniors hostel
and left. Later, at the end of that year, Gabbar was elected
as Senior of the year during the farewell party.

We came to know that he was actually a warm hearted and fun
loving dude. He shook hands with all of us. I have to admit
that I got shit scared when I shook his hands.

Saala Gabbar. Aa be aa.

We called him Gabbar singh. A singh looks odd in a
south Indian engineering college. This singh was a six
footer and well built. He looked too macho and too out
of this world. He was three years senior to us. In other
words he was equivalent to God.

People gave him his respect. He never stood in queues.
Food, toilets, bathrooms, hot water, tea, coffee,
cigerettes, lab, city buses, you name it, he used to
get it. Queues? Not his game. We, lesser mortals had to
fight for everything, an extra puri, relieving a bloated
stomach, what not and what the fuck not.

Gabbar singh was the lion king. He was just too
invincible. (That was because he was accidentally misplaced
in juniors hostel.).

Every one used to wake up late. Except few souls. Madhav
and I were one of those souls. Madhav always wakes up in
an emergency mode. He had to empty his stomach at any cost
with in few minutes he wakes up. On a normal day he does that
without any hindrance because he wakes early. On a normal
day he gets to choose his favourite toilet because he wakes
up early.

That day wasn't normal. The chicken 69 that was served
the night before created several emergency wake up
situations that morning. For the fisrt time in his life
Madhav had competition. Just when he couldn't hold it any
longer he finally got an empty toilet, but then, Gabbar
entered and said, 'Ahoy. Stop there. I gotta go'. Madhav waited
outside with his eyes bulged, legs crossed, hands knotted
around his head, counting every micro second for full
ten minutes.

Now, my best buddy Madhav was a true hot blooded young gun.
Fuck Gabbar he said, the next day, I want to take revenge.
The idea of striking at the invincible Gabbar enticed me.
We hatched a plan.

One advantage we had was, from our room we had a view of
the corridor to the bathrooms and toilets. In other words,
we could keep vigilance. The next day when we saw Gabbar
entering his LU, we ran downstairs and reached the toilets.
One, two and three. Aha! The third one. The invincible
Gabbar was singing inside. May be singing makes it easier
for Sikhs. We thought. We unveiled Step 1. Madhav and I
started banging on Gabbar’s toilet door so hard that the
door looked like as if it was going to fall off.

Gabbar shouted from inside, Saala, Bhosdike, Bhainchod…….
That was sheer adrenaline rush for us. Stepping into
a senior’s territory was unthinkable in those days. With
great courage we mustered,
Saala Gabbar. Aa be aa. Baahar aa.

We could imagine the lion king fuming inside. Just when
we thought Gabbar was about to quickly finish his act and
open the door, we darted upstairs. (Madhav and I had an
instinct for these kind of things). We reached our room
and watched Gabbar roughing up some innocent juniors to
know who it was. That night we became kind of celebrities.
Saala, Gabbar caught on like wild fire.

Next day morning, before entering the toilet, Gabbar looked
around and marked all the men. Immediately we ran down,
waited for Gabbar to start the act and then started banging
on his door. Saala, Gabbar. Aa be aa. Baahar aa. Most
of our buddies and dudes were too shell shocked at out
sheer audacity. Getting caught in an act like that meant,
literally, death. Gabbar started his *chod profanity.
(We knew too little hindi to understand what he was saying).
We performed a superb and clean act that day. Just before
Gabbar opened the door shouting at the top of his lungs we
disappeared. Most of our buddies too, out of sheer panic
disappeared that day.

On day three an interesting thing happened.

how did gabbar trap smiley?
what did smiley do?

more in the upcoming

Saala Gabbar. Aa be aa.

Happy Birthday Alpha

Some people are cool. Some people are not. (Duh)You get to be comfortable with some people and you get to be stiff with others.(Duh)

They say (Ok, I made this up) work your way through, rewards follow. I didn’t start jdv to make friends. I just wrote. I ended up making beautiful and loving friends. Babita, Adi, Lee, Pyari Fairy, LL, Neil, Two P, Alpha etc.

Usually for me, it takes years to build a comfortable relationship. I usually stay in my shell. With some I just instantly be myself and be cool.

Alpha is one such. (This praising stuff is getting repetitive lately. But still...)

Not a single day had passed with out her comment or post making me laugh ever since I met her online. (That was a complex sentence. Patrix, grammar check?)

She is such a cool and beautiful chick. (Yeah winners! she is taken.)

To mouth shut, to grumpy, to mouth open, to the evil twin, to a plethora of other characters, to our collective sweetheart, to our alpha, to the queen bee-

May God double bless your already blessed and happy soul with many more blessed and happy years and May you bless us with your happy, unmatched, amazing and enduring wit for many more years to come.

Three cheers to Alpha.

Yours lovingly,

The usual gang of losers, winners, oldies and moms. (And all those lots of hot chicks who anonymously read this blog.)

P.S 30: Alpha just turned thirty.

P.S 2.0: I tried to come up with a wonderfully written happy birthday post. But I aint good with words like Lee or Patrix. I tried to come up with a cool gimmick just like Fairy does on her blog (floating balloons and stuff). But I aint good with gimmicks. I tried to come up with a nice cartoon to post. But I aint good with scheduling to have enough spare times for stuff like that. So, ended up being the same old smiley. Tall on promises, short on delivery. (Gee, I hope this doesn’t get extended to my sex life). So, I ended you up with a silly happy birthday post. Whatever girl. Go break a neck. Kick a butt. Do all that Jinchak stuff. Its your birthday. On the other side of the world, remember, you have friends to say cheers to you.

Hymn to the Mother of the Gods

Hail to our mother,
who caused the yellow flowers to blossom,
who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to our mother,
who poured forth white flowers in abundance,
who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to our mother,
who caused the yellow flowers to blossom,
she who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to our mother,
who poured forth white flowers in abundance,
who scattered the seeds of the maguey,
as she came forth from Paradise.

Hail to the goddess who shines in the thorn bush
like a bright butterfly.

Ho! she is our mother,
goddess of the earth,
she puts life in the desert,
in the plains, in the water
and in the moountains.

Thus, thus,
you see her to be a model of liberality
toward all flesh.

And as you see the goddess of the earth do to the
wild beasts, so also does she toward the green herbs
and the fish.

An ancient Aztec Hymn
A free translation

Smiley meets Lee - Do
Smiley, the Bindaas dude

I did twenty pushups, twenty abs, bleached my face (used a face scrub) and called Lee.

Me: Sweety Lee. I am still in Mumbai.
Lee: Mo maa?
Me: Jeez. Are you back on that meditation thing again?
Lee: (Thoo). I was brushing my teeth. Stupid.
Me: Ok, send me an SMS.
SMS: So what?

I some how convinced her that I was worthy enough to meet atleast during her lunch hour.

Lee: Ok, I can meet you for two minutes. I eat lunch at 1 PM at a restaurant that is right across the street. I cross the road to reach there. You can cross the road with me.
Me: Holy Grandma. Holy cow. Holy cow dung.

I met Lee at her office door.
Lee looked so cute. She wore a jeans and an orange top. I was afraid that I would eat her mistaking for an orange candy.
Lee: You look good. Ok, I will spend the whole afternoon with you.
Me: Holy Grandpa. Holy other Grandma. Spooking. Somebody stop me.

Lee took me to a huge corporate office and introduced me to a lot of her friends. Lee introduced me to her mom. (Or, was that her sister?). Lee treated me with a corporate lunch. Lee then took me to a beach. We walked for a long time. Lee then took me to Barista. Lee treated me with a Guava shake. Lee then took me to Dalal Street. Lee took me to BSE. Lee took me to a book store. Lee took me to a snack joint. We had American Chow Chow Paw. Then Lee took me to the Marine Drive.

I told her about myself, my ambitions and about my friend baboon. She laughed. Pretty soon, I found out that she wasn’t laughing but yawing. Lee then gave me a book. As a gift.
Idiots guide to winning a girl in thirty days.

But why would I need this book. I already won you. I thought. (Leaving the yawning part). Lee then took me to a huge book store. She showed me the books she liked. She showed me some cartoon books and read me some cartoons. We laughed. (This time it was real). Then she said it was time to say good bye.

On our way back I bought couple of mints. (Who knows? May be it was time for that hug and kiss). I dropped her at her station, shook her hands, thanked for everything and left in my cab. Oh, by the way, I gave a spike of a hedgehog as a gift to her. (Two Penny told me that girls would love stuff like that).

If my killer smile (barring the gap between the front teeth) doesnt impress her, my gift would.

I am sure. I am a winner. I am from HBM.

Smiley Meets Lee - Ek
Lee, the Jinchak chik

Ok, I admit. I made up that Mumbai trip. I went there to just meet Lee. (I am that desperate to get out of that winners club of HBM). Unfortunately for me, my timing sucked. (It always sucks.) The day I landed in Mumbai, Lee was just back from a ten days meditation camp.

Me: Sweetie Lee. I am in Mumbai.
Lee: mo maa? (She wasnt supposed to speak that day).
Me: Ok, send me an SMS.
SMS: So what?

Well, that was an unexpected branch of the flow chart I drew in my end. (My flow chart was supposed to take me and Lee to Lonavala).

I convinced her somehow that I was worthy enough to meet atleast that evening.

Lee: Ok. I can spare you two minutes. My office is right across GT station. I get out of my office at 6:00 and will cross the street to catch the train. You can cross the street with me.
Me: Holy mama. Sounds fantastic. (Ha! Finally. I am going to be a real winner. I am going to be a winner. Laa la lallaa laa laa. I am going to be a winner.)

I met Lee at her office door.
Lee: You look good. Ok, I will spend two hours with you. But you have to pay the bills.
Me: Holy Papa. Spooking. Somebody stop me.

Lee took me to a beach. (Or was that India kings? Sorry India Gate? Sorry Gateway of India?) She showed me the old Taj and the new Taj. She showed me a shady Arabic joint.
She treated me with a masala corn. She took me for a walk on the beach side road. One wave broke on us we almost got wet. (TP dude, stop imagining things. Remember? She is Sis Lee).

Then I saw, Mc Donalds.
Me: Can we have fries there?
Lee: Sure. But you will have to pay.
Me: Spooking.

She took wedges. I took fries. While eating.
Lee: Who is your favourite author?
Me: (Let me look like I know stuff). Ayn Rand. I like him a lot. I like the way he runs the suspense throughout the book.
Lee nodded in agreement.
Me: (Am I getting good at this or what?) Who is your favourite?
Lee: Stephen king. I like spooky stuff.

Then Lee took me to a pub with Mario Miranda cartoons on the wall. I had couple of beers and she had couple of zeers. I had chicken and she had lollipops. She laughed for all the jokes I cracked and all the adventures I told. Finally when I was telling her how my friends dog always liked sniffing my ass I realized that she hadnt been laughing but yawning. I thanked her for her time and said good night.

Day 2.

I woke up and scrubbed my face with a rabbits tail. (Adi gave me this, before I left to Mumbai. He said it worked for him everytime.) I looked at the man in the mirror and said
Dude, dont you worry. You are gonna win Lee today.


will Smiley win Lee?

Read next

Smiley Meets Lee - Do
Smiley, the Bindaas dude

Pre Scriptum

It was such a nice experience. Lee was way too patient in
honoring my whimsical wish list (of seeing around) and taking
a day off to spend time with me. I bored her for sure. But she
covered it well. Lee is anything but the person I have depicted
in the post. My intentions were anything but the ones I have
mentioned in the post. Wild Comments are welcome and having fun
is welcome. But lets also honor the lady’s dignity.

*Starts the drum roll*

Darandaradaradaradaradara

Ladies and Gentlemen, I hereby present

Smiley meets Lee Ek, Do

Read next

Smiley meets Lee - Ek
Lee, the Jinchak chik

Salaam Mumbai

...here I come.

(14th and 15th in Mumbai.
16th and 17th in Lonavala.)

Upcoming stuff

Saala, Gabbar. Aa be aa. (Ek aur Do)
Harmony continued
Delirium, Sorrows of a loser
The art of a woman (I, II, III, IV)
The heart of a woman (I, II)
Attack of the killer bunnies (I, II)

Good times

Surely, these are good times for old bloggers.
Alpha is back and with a bang.
My favourite Yougustus is back.
Patrix is back.
Two penny is raising the bar with each of his post.

Alpha, Two Penny, Patrix, Yogi...I am glad to have
you on my co-bloggers list.

Blognews

Our good old (not that old) alpha is back. Alpha, we missed you like hell.

Lee is gone on some weird trip. Nobody heard anything from her lately.

Nonick is not smiley.

Babita's application for loan at her local bank to buy two tons of anti aging cream was declined.

Neil, Lazy, Dawg and Non sensai are still virgins. Two penny is not.

Patrix recently tried/visited Viagra/Niagara.

Twilight Fairy is a 33 years old male.

Delirium Three Ex.

The edge of her sari felt like a smooth breeze.
It stayed on my face for a while, before it flew.

Where am I going?
Nowhere.

She expected me to follow I guess. She gingerly walked back and held my
hand.

Why?
The imbalance.

Why?
It will always be there. Things are always out of balance. It is the
direction in which you are trying to balance is what matters.

She plucked one of those beautiful flowers from the ground and smelled it.

A profound silence.

You are trying to balance. You are trying to balance everything. You cant.
What do I balance then?

All I can say is, what you get out of your journey is your Joie De Vivre.
I know.
Dont try to shape the journey. Shape yourself for the journey.
Karma?
No. Let me finish. Reach! But not at the expense of a beautiful journey.

A series of thoughtSpheres broke in my mind. With each pop of sphereShell I
raced towards the simplicity of the truth.

I looked at her. Nothing else mattered.
She looked at me with the flower held to chest.
I reached forward to place a hand behind her neck.
To grab her towards me. To kiss her. To tell her that I love her.

But,

Can you wait for a while?

Sure.

We kissed for a long time.

He watched.

We went for a stroll.

He followed.

We made passionate love under a big banyan tree.

He waited.

We talked our hearts out.

He listened.

Finally she fell asleep with a smile on her face and hand in my hand.

You were saying something?

Yeah! Dont try to shape the journey. Shape yourself for the journey and
know your destination.

Thanks.

I watched her for a long time. She was content. Her hand firmly holding
mine even in her sleep.

The Curious Kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies-Teen
A kid free bed and a huge mango

Me: “I am a dog man. (Thanks TP). Sometimes I turn into a dog.”

We stopped to eat Toddy fruit on the highway.

Me: Man, eating these fruits reminds me of oral sex.

Vinny sighed deeply again.

Later during the drive the kid asked me.

TCK: “Tell me a story.”

Me: “Once upon a time there was a princess…”

By the time, the young prince crossed the seven seas, killed the one eyed evil serpent and the dragon, and knocked on the princess’s door, we had reached home.

What happened next, TCK wanted to know. I kept stalling.

“Let me finish this mango.”

“Let me take a bath.”

Winny had made a bed for me in the guest room.

I suddenly said to the kid, “I will finish the story if you sleep in my room.”

She gladly agreed.

The Vinnies beamed at me. An electric charge filled the room. Winny took an extra long shower, wore a special white saree and put jasmines in her hair. Vinny almost hugged and kissed me. They decorated their bed with heart shaped pink pillows. Winny couldn’t stop blushing.

At dinner, Winny served me an extra helping of everything. Whenever she went into the kitchen to fetch salt, mangoes and papads, she playfully roughed my hair. She served me a huge mango. I offered it to Vinny. Will make you more potent, I said. Both blushed.

Good night.

I told TCK the rest of the story in my room.

“...and the prince and princess got married and lived happily ever after.”

I picked up my book ‘Interpreter of Maladies’ by Jhumpa Lahiri.

TCK: “Is that the end of the story?”

Me: “Yes.”

She wasn’t satisfied. She curiously looked at the hair on my chest and at my book. She pronounced Jhumpa Lahiri repeatedly. She wanted to know why Jhumpa couldn’t be Jampa. She wondered if Jhumpa had hair on her chest. She wondered if she would grow hair on her chest. She enquired why my pillow was in vertical position. Why I hadn’t covered myself with the blanket yet. Why I had a water bottle next to my bed. Why I wasn’t watching TV. When I was going to leave. Why I don’t have kids. Why I read books. Why I don’t like what I don’t like. Why I like what I like.

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Booooooooow..woooooooooooow” I barked.

She turned pale. I bit a pillow and viciously shook my head, “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...”

With one mighty jump she landed at the door. She ran to her parents’ room and banged on the door.

TCK: “Open the door. I want to come in. I want to sleep with you”

I heard the door being opened. And then I heard Vinny trying to convince TCK that she should sleep in my room. TCK vehemently refused. I could see the shadows of the kid, Vinny and the door. Finally after a long pause, the door widened reluctantly, letting the kid in.

A few minutes later I heard Vinny’s artificial snore.

That night, I laughed so much that I almost puked my dinner.

The Curious Kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies-Do
Every action has a twice and opposite reaction

The Salesman rambled on about the latest cushion bed with an ultra soft, imported, 8-inch thick mattress which was good for your back, helped you sleep soundly, enhanced your sexuality, increased your life span and prevented hair fall.

Vinny bought it.

He excitedly called me and told me about his new purchase. “The bed recoils with twice the force that you use on it,” he said. “It’s like having sex in a train vestibule. All you have to do is hold the direction. The bed takes care of the rest.”

But the bed only made things worse. Vinny and Winny couldn’t indulge in their early morning indiscretions, when the kid wasn’t awake yet. With each of Vinny’s forward thrusts, the kid used to fly a couple of inches in the air and fall back onto the bed wide awake…

“I knew it. I knew it. You guys always play games when I am asleep. I knew it. I knew it.”

We all laughed and finished our beers.

The next day, I agreed to join the Vinny’s on their drive back home. We all got into the car.

TCK: Hey can you see through you black goggles?

Me: Yes I can. Why?

TCK: If I can’t see through a black car, how can you see through a black glass?

Good logic, I agreed. And then I explained the concept of transparency to her.

TCK tried on the glasses. She agreed that transparency exists. I feared that she might bend them, so I took them off her face and wore them. She tried to grab them back.

I suddenly barked.

“Grrr…….Bow wow wow.” (I am really good at that).

She jumped in her seat. “What did you do that for?”


Know what is going happen next in

The Curious Kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies-Teen
A Kid free bed and a huge mango.

The curious kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies –Ek
Co-Authored by Trick Baby

..and then,she was born.


A cousin of mine visited me recently. Let’s call him Vinny. He has a wife. Let’s call her Winny. They have a five year old daughter. Let’s call her The Curious Kid (TCK)

I took them to the IMAX theatre, to a few restaurants, shopping malls etc. - the regular, boring stuff that a host is obliged to do. It was only on the second night that things got interesting. My cousin Vinny, a few friends and I had gone out for a couple of beers.

After the second beer, the conversation turned to sex (or rather, the lack of it). Friend1’s wife was out of town. For one whole month, he added sadly. Friend 2 was single and didn’t have a girl friend. We looked at Vinny.

Vinny: “Why are you‘ll looking at me?”

Me: “Man, you a have a beautiful wife. After this beer, you are gonna go home and have sex, aren’t you?”

He sighed. His face resembled that of a worn out soldier. He looked sadly into the distance and said, “I wish…”.

With another sigh, he finished his beer.

“Women!”, we nodded in sympathy.

“It’s the kid” he said, “It’s the kid”.

Before the arrival of TCK, Vinny and Winny were like any other happily married couple. They used to have sex four times a week. Sometimes even a quickie in the kitchen or in the bathroom. Then TCK was born.

TCK was an unusually curious kid. She always wanted to know everything about everything. So she never slept until everyone in the house was asleep. She also never slept alone, in case she missed out on the conversation and happenings in the other parts of the house.

Vinny and Winny gradually forgot about their once wild and vivid sex life. Whenever they did remember, they would try every trick in the book to make TCK go to bed early. Vinny practiced artificial snoring. Winny pretended to fall asleep. But the moment Vinny’s hand touched Winny, TCK woke up, shouting, “I knew it. You make me sleep and play more games. I knew it. I knew it.”

Days grew into weeks. Weeks grew into years. The Vinnies got gloomier. They even contemplated sending the kid to a boarding school. But The Curious Kid was just too curious to leave home.

Just when they thought they’d seen the worst, a sales man came along one day.

know whats gonna happen next in

The Curious Kid and the Sex Starved Vinnies- Do
Every action has a twice and opposite reaction

Asimov, Alfred and Austin

It is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today. No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be...This, in turn, means that our statesmen, our businessmen, our everyman must take on a science fictional way of thinking.
--Isaac Asimov

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
--Alfred E Neuman

“Yeah! Baby. Yeah!”
--Austin Powers

The Millionth Monkey

He is got such a Geekish/Stylish/Peculiar/Funny style.

Its not an easy task by the way, to tell 'fried octopus suckers in India ink
sauce’ from ‘shaved monkey scrotum in a mild manta ray sting and blueberry
sauce’, particularly when both dishes have almost same taste and texture.

The nozzle of the gun tastes like a long train journey.

Love, peace and fake boobs… :-)

That day The Man Man was the man, man.

If atom bomb was tested at Bikini Atoll then she would have gone though the same
rigors at Bikini Notatoll.

-Two Penny

Ek Do Teen

On 02/05/04

1357 Number of emails I have in my Yahoo Bulk folder
7 Number of mangoes I had from the morning
63 Number of SMS I got from this desperate girl who is trying to get in touch with me
3 Number of times I checked my blog
237 Amount of cash left in my wallet
0 Number of minutes I have watched TV

YAGFLBP

Prelude

I had this fever right from the morning. For the whole day I slept in my bed.
Drank three full bottles of Electrol. By evening I felt a lot better. I dragged
myself to a book store and bought couple of books. (Thanks for the recommendation).

On my way back, the fact that I had been reading lot of girl stuff, bothered me.
As a matter of fact lately I have been reading lots of girl blog stuff too. I am
also enjoying their posts. Like Fairy's sister's feet post. They even dominate my
co bloggers list. The books I bought were also by female authors.

Lude

Adi, Two Penny, Lazy and I had planned for an YAGFLBP that night.

After I reached home, I opened the first book. Jhumpa Lahiri's 'Interpreter of
Maladies'. I saved Gita Mehta for a later day (The other book). I liked Lahiri's
first short story 'A temporary matter' a lot.

Then I got this call from this 'Good looking/talented/artistic/has great
sense of humour-----but already taken' girl . (Thanks for the call).

I finished the call and drove hurriedly to the party.

Lazy and TP were already there.

We had cocktail samosas.

Adi came in and joined and ordered A Kabab, B Kabab and C Kabab.

A new kid on the block named 'V*****' joined us. He is a biggie in a big software
company, we were told. (A big biggie). For such a big biggie he was
pretty down to earth. (Girls, you might want to jot down his number).

To winners. We cheered.

During the conversation, we found out that Two Penny and LL are still virgins.
We thoo ed them. (Thoo).

(Smiley: Lazy, are you still a virgin?
Lazy: *Looking here and there* No comments)

Then Adi ordered D Kabab, E Kabab and F Kabab.

Smiley: Adi, did you really like Fairy's poems?
Adi: *Thinks for couple of seconds* Yes, I did.

Two Penny: Who is this Lee?
Smiley: She is a myth. She is a spook.
Two Penny: Ha ha ha.
Smiley: Ha ha ha.

The Big Biggie: Oh! Lee. Is she the one who won an Abby? I know her.

We were really spooked.

Adi then ordered G Kabab, H Kabab and I Kabab.

We paid the bill and left to Whisper valley. (The biggie's home). The home
looked like it was straight out of a movie set. Rows and rows of DVDs neatly
arranged. Xbox. Literally hundreds of book on shelves. (James Gleicks Chaos to
Bridget Jones Diary).

In his kitchen (which also came out of a movie set) in one of the closets
were neatly arranged bottles of alcohol. Malibu to Bombay Sapphire.

It was two am. We watched Matrix and admired the chick in leather outfit. We all
agreed that Matrix is Godsend. Two Penny and LL enquired if the biggie was carrying
any porn stuff. (These virgins!). He throwed one.

We watched a couple making love in a bathtub, in surround sound Bose audio.
It was just too sweet. We agreed on that and switched back to Matrix. Adi put
'Gone in 60 seconds'. We admired the sweet sound of Mustang. Its better
than sex. We agreed.

I dropped everyone and reached home at 3 am.