The Curious Kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies-Teen
A kid free bed and a huge mango

Me: “I am a dog man. (Thanks TP). Sometimes I turn into a dog.”

We stopped to eat Toddy fruit on the highway.

Me: Man, eating these fruits reminds me of oral sex.

Vinny sighed deeply again.

Later during the drive the kid asked me.

TCK: “Tell me a story.”

Me: “Once upon a time there was a princess…”

By the time, the young prince crossed the seven seas, killed the one eyed evil serpent and the dragon, and knocked on the princess’s door, we had reached home.

What happened next, TCK wanted to know. I kept stalling.

“Let me finish this mango.”

“Let me take a bath.”

Winny had made a bed for me in the guest room.

I suddenly said to the kid, “I will finish the story if you sleep in my room.”

She gladly agreed.

The Vinnies beamed at me. An electric charge filled the room. Winny took an extra long shower, wore a special white saree and put jasmines in her hair. Vinny almost hugged and kissed me. They decorated their bed with heart shaped pink pillows. Winny couldn’t stop blushing.

At dinner, Winny served me an extra helping of everything. Whenever she went into the kitchen to fetch salt, mangoes and papads, she playfully roughed my hair. She served me a huge mango. I offered it to Vinny. Will make you more potent, I said. Both blushed.

Good night.

I told TCK the rest of the story in my room.

“...and the prince and princess got married and lived happily ever after.”

I picked up my book ‘Interpreter of Maladies’ by Jhumpa Lahiri.

TCK: “Is that the end of the story?”

Me: “Yes.”

She wasn’t satisfied. She curiously looked at the hair on my chest and at my book. She pronounced Jhumpa Lahiri repeatedly. She wanted to know why Jhumpa couldn’t be Jampa. She wondered if Jhumpa had hair on her chest. She wondered if she would grow hair on her chest. She enquired why my pillow was in vertical position. Why I hadn’t covered myself with the blanket yet. Why I had a water bottle next to my bed. Why I wasn’t watching TV. When I was going to leave. Why I don’t have kids. Why I read books. Why I don’t like what I don’t like. Why I like what I like.

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Booooooooow..woooooooooooow” I barked.

She turned pale. I bit a pillow and viciously shook my head, “Grrrrrrrrrrrrr...”

With one mighty jump she landed at the door. She ran to her parents’ room and banged on the door.

TCK: “Open the door. I want to come in. I want to sleep with you”

I heard the door being opened. And then I heard Vinny trying to convince TCK that she should sleep in my room. TCK vehemently refused. I could see the shadows of the kid, Vinny and the door. Finally after a long pause, the door widened reluctantly, letting the kid in.

A few minutes later I heard Vinny’s artificial snore.

That night, I laughed so much that I almost puked my dinner.

The Curious Kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies-Do
Every action has a twice and opposite reaction

The Salesman rambled on about the latest cushion bed with an ultra soft, imported, 8-inch thick mattress which was good for your back, helped you sleep soundly, enhanced your sexuality, increased your life span and prevented hair fall.

Vinny bought it.

He excitedly called me and told me about his new purchase. “The bed recoils with twice the force that you use on it,” he said. “It’s like having sex in a train vestibule. All you have to do is hold the direction. The bed takes care of the rest.”

But the bed only made things worse. Vinny and Winny couldn’t indulge in their early morning indiscretions, when the kid wasn’t awake yet. With each of Vinny’s forward thrusts, the kid used to fly a couple of inches in the air and fall back onto the bed wide awake…

“I knew it. I knew it. You guys always play games when I am asleep. I knew it. I knew it.”

We all laughed and finished our beers.

The next day, I agreed to join the Vinny’s on their drive back home. We all got into the car.

TCK: Hey can you see through you black goggles?

Me: Yes I can. Why?

TCK: If I can’t see through a black car, how can you see through a black glass?

Good logic, I agreed. And then I explained the concept of transparency to her.

TCK tried on the glasses. She agreed that transparency exists. I feared that she might bend them, so I took them off her face and wore them. She tried to grab them back.

I suddenly barked.

“Grrr…….Bow wow wow.” (I am really good at that).

She jumped in her seat. “What did you do that for?”


Know what is going happen next in

The Curious Kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies-Teen
A Kid free bed and a huge mango.

The curious kid and The Sex Starved Vinnies –Ek
Co-Authored by Trick Baby

..and then,she was born.


A cousin of mine visited me recently. Let’s call him Vinny. He has a wife. Let’s call her Winny. They have a five year old daughter. Let’s call her The Curious Kid (TCK)

I took them to the IMAX theatre, to a few restaurants, shopping malls etc. - the regular, boring stuff that a host is obliged to do. It was only on the second night that things got interesting. My cousin Vinny, a few friends and I had gone out for a couple of beers.

After the second beer, the conversation turned to sex (or rather, the lack of it). Friend1’s wife was out of town. For one whole month, he added sadly. Friend 2 was single and didn’t have a girl friend. We looked at Vinny.

Vinny: “Why are you‘ll looking at me?”

Me: “Man, you a have a beautiful wife. After this beer, you are gonna go home and have sex, aren’t you?”

He sighed. His face resembled that of a worn out soldier. He looked sadly into the distance and said, “I wish…”.

With another sigh, he finished his beer.

“Women!”, we nodded in sympathy.

“It’s the kid” he said, “It’s the kid”.

Before the arrival of TCK, Vinny and Winny were like any other happily married couple. They used to have sex four times a week. Sometimes even a quickie in the kitchen or in the bathroom. Then TCK was born.

TCK was an unusually curious kid. She always wanted to know everything about everything. So she never slept until everyone in the house was asleep. She also never slept alone, in case she missed out on the conversation and happenings in the other parts of the house.

Vinny and Winny gradually forgot about their once wild and vivid sex life. Whenever they did remember, they would try every trick in the book to make TCK go to bed early. Vinny practiced artificial snoring. Winny pretended to fall asleep. But the moment Vinny’s hand touched Winny, TCK woke up, shouting, “I knew it. You make me sleep and play more games. I knew it. I knew it.”

Days grew into weeks. Weeks grew into years. The Vinnies got gloomier. They even contemplated sending the kid to a boarding school. But The Curious Kid was just too curious to leave home.

Just when they thought they’d seen the worst, a sales man came along one day.

know whats gonna happen next in

The Curious Kid and the Sex Starved Vinnies- Do
Every action has a twice and opposite reaction

Asimov, Alfred and Austin

It is change, continuing change, inevitable change, that is the dominant factor in society today. No sensible decision can be made any longer without taking into account not only the world as it is, but the world as it will be...This, in turn, means that our statesmen, our businessmen, our everyman must take on a science fictional way of thinking.
--Isaac Asimov

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"
--Alfred E Neuman

“Yeah! Baby. Yeah!”
--Austin Powers

The Millionth Monkey

He is got such a Geekish/Stylish/Peculiar/Funny style.

Its not an easy task by the way, to tell 'fried octopus suckers in India ink
sauce’ from ‘shaved monkey scrotum in a mild manta ray sting and blueberry
sauce’, particularly when both dishes have almost same taste and texture.

The nozzle of the gun tastes like a long train journey.

Love, peace and fake boobs… :-)

That day The Man Man was the man, man.

If atom bomb was tested at Bikini Atoll then she would have gone though the same
rigors at Bikini Notatoll.

-Two Penny

Ek Do Teen

On 02/05/04

1357 Number of emails I have in my Yahoo Bulk folder
7 Number of mangoes I had from the morning
63 Number of SMS I got from this desperate girl who is trying to get in touch with me
3 Number of times I checked my blog
237 Amount of cash left in my wallet
0 Number of minutes I have watched TV

YAGFLBP

Prelude

I had this fever right from the morning. For the whole day I slept in my bed.
Drank three full bottles of Electrol. By evening I felt a lot better. I dragged
myself to a book store and bought couple of books. (Thanks for the recommendation).

On my way back, the fact that I had been reading lot of girl stuff, bothered me.
As a matter of fact lately I have been reading lots of girl blog stuff too. I am
also enjoying their posts. Like Fairy's sister's feet post. They even dominate my
co bloggers list. The books I bought were also by female authors.

Lude

Adi, Two Penny, Lazy and I had planned for an YAGFLBP that night.

After I reached home, I opened the first book. Jhumpa Lahiri's 'Interpreter of
Maladies'. I saved Gita Mehta for a later day (The other book). I liked Lahiri's
first short story 'A temporary matter' a lot.

Then I got this call from this 'Good looking/talented/artistic/has great
sense of humour-----but already taken' girl . (Thanks for the call).

I finished the call and drove hurriedly to the party.

Lazy and TP were already there.

We had cocktail samosas.

Adi came in and joined and ordered A Kabab, B Kabab and C Kabab.

A new kid on the block named 'V*****' joined us. He is a biggie in a big software
company, we were told. (A big biggie). For such a big biggie he was
pretty down to earth. (Girls, you might want to jot down his number).

To winners. We cheered.

During the conversation, we found out that Two Penny and LL are still virgins.
We thoo ed them. (Thoo).

(Smiley: Lazy, are you still a virgin?
Lazy: *Looking here and there* No comments)

Then Adi ordered D Kabab, E Kabab and F Kabab.

Smiley: Adi, did you really like Fairy's poems?
Adi: *Thinks for couple of seconds* Yes, I did.

Two Penny: Who is this Lee?
Smiley: She is a myth. She is a spook.
Two Penny: Ha ha ha.
Smiley: Ha ha ha.

The Big Biggie: Oh! Lee. Is she the one who won an Abby? I know her.

We were really spooked.

Adi then ordered G Kabab, H Kabab and I Kabab.

We paid the bill and left to Whisper valley. (The biggie's home). The home
looked like it was straight out of a movie set. Rows and rows of DVDs neatly
arranged. Xbox. Literally hundreds of book on shelves. (James Gleicks Chaos to
Bridget Jones Diary).

In his kitchen (which also came out of a movie set) in one of the closets
were neatly arranged bottles of alcohol. Malibu to Bombay Sapphire.

It was two am. We watched Matrix and admired the chick in leather outfit. We all
agreed that Matrix is Godsend. Two Penny and LL enquired if the biggie was carrying
any porn stuff. (These virgins!). He throwed one.

We watched a couple making love in a bathtub, in surround sound Bose audio.
It was just too sweet. We agreed on that and switched back to Matrix. Adi put
'Gone in 60 seconds'. We admired the sweet sound of Mustang. Its better
than sex. We agreed.

I dropped everyone and reached home at 3 am.

The Poems of Sappho
Part I, Chapter 2, Stanza II, III & IV

II

Then in my bosom my heart wildly flutters,
And, when on thee I gaze never so little,
Bereft am I of all power of utterance,
My tongue is useless.

III

There rushes at once through my flesh tingling fire,
My eyes are deprived of all power of vision,
My ears hear nothing by sounds of winds roaring,
And all is blackness.

IV

Down courses in streams the sweat of emotion,
A dread trembling overwhelms me, paler than I
Than dried grass in autumn, and in my madness
Dead I seem almost.

Aqua Devils Association-Char
Revenge of a nerd

Stupid boy, still waving hand. By the way, what is that he is holding in his hand?
That's my mobile!

Stupid boy was signaling that I got a call on my mobile.

Of all the strokes, back stroke needs little effort. When you just try to stay
afloat on your back and let the current drift you, you need very little energy.
That was my last resort.

I managed to communicate to my Devil dude.

Thaaht caahll huff puff huff puff iihs impohrtant. I am gohing bahck.

I just floated. I let myself to be drifted along. Something told me not to mess
with devils anymore. Something told me that my chances were slim. Really slim.
Something told me to just stay calm and count the clouds. Stay calm and count
the clouds. Pain and exhaustion are survival systems. They are limiting in nature.
You can always extend them. I went wherever the current took me. Occasionally I
took advantage of the current and drifted diagonally.

I reached the bank atleast a full half kilometer from the boy.

I walked back. Took the mobile from the angel boy. Called back and profoundly
thanked the angel guy who called me to say good morning to me.

Life came back in all its glory. Everything looked dear and beautiful.

I showed the boy all the features of my cell phone. I answered all of his
questions. I took him to my car and gifted him a spike of a hedgehog, that I have
been carrying in my glove box. I took couple of snaps of him with my camera
phone. He watched himself on the screen and giggled. I enquired him if he wanted
to pose nude. He did. I stripped him and took couple of more snaps. I promised him
not to show those pictures to his dad or mom.

The boy a little later informed me that the devils can do lot of stuff. Like, one
of them sleeps floating on the water. Another one can dive so deep, he can touch
the bottom of the river wherever you tell him to. One Devil can pull a small boat
from one end to the other. Another one can stay for three minutes under water.

So what can you do? The boy asked.

Oh! Me? I can pee while swimming.

I showed him the devils who were still chatting in their informal circle.

I just swam into the meeting, peed in the middle of the circle and came back.

The little stupid/angel boy looked at and admired me with wide eyes for couple
of seconds.
Thats awesome. You are so cool. He added.

Yeah, I know. I know. I am cooler than the devils.

Aqua Devils Association-Teen
At the edge of life

Politics it was. None of them were gasping for air like I was. They had enough air
left in them, they were even arguing. I kind of got detached from this world.

How am I going to drown? At one point my hands will simply refuse. My heart will
fail. Will I simply die or am I going to struggle a lot? (Like a fish on sand.)
Why does death have to be so painful?

What is my life so far? Do we have a purpose? If so, did I fulfill it?
Are we just 'gene carrying machines' like that Dawkins dude said?

Politics still it was.

These guys are gonna laugh to death in their next meeting.
But I am not going to ask for help.

Smiley, what do you think? One of them asked.

Think? I aint listening to you guys. I am going to die. I am going to drown.

Dear Fairy, ayyo chee, Dear Almighty, Is there a way out of this?

Detach. Detach.

My vision blurred. I have tried to appear calm. Scanned the distance I made.
There is no way I could get back there. I just wanted to take a look around before
I drowned. The other side of the river still looked foggy and woody. The bank I got
through in, still looked clear and close. That's when I realized that we hadn't
still made it to the middle of the river.

Death was a surety.

What is that sharp pain in my chest? Is my heart failing?

If nobody posts about my death will my fellow bloggers ever know?

Trisha is so cool. She has this cute smile. She is tall and slim. She is surprisingly
big busted for her slim frame. She has it all. Will she ever know that I ever existed?

I should have had an extra plate of that 'Peanut masala' yesterday. Screw calories.

I should have told Radha, Amala, Vimala, Aparna, Scooty, Madhavi, Roja, Divya Bharathi,
Juhi Chawla, Demi Moore, Manisha, Rashmi, Reshma, Sasikala, Anu, Sharon, Julia
and Trisha that I loved them.

I should have…I should have….

Trisha's eyes look beautiful even when they are closed. I still cant believe she
is from Chennai.

F&*% this. I am going to drown.

Will HBM 2 pay a tribute to me? I had a good life. I never had a girl friend though.
But I dont have any regrets about it. Ok, I regret it. I regret not finding someone
who I can share my life with. (What life? you are going to die soon). I regret not
taking her to Kavaratti.(Kavaratti? Reach the bank first). I regret never
fully experiencing that beautiful kiss that I have always imagined. (Ok, you
can kiss a devils ass if you want to).


I scanned the bank which is at a distance. Every one and every thing looked small.
A monkey was scratching its balls. Lucky monkey. It knows it place.
It still has its balls. I am stupid. A bird was lazily chirping. Lucky bird.
It knows its life. I am an aberration. I will be the winner of Darwin's award this year.
A boy was waving his hand.

When you are in the middle of a river, you really feel alone. Your legs dont find
anything solid to stand upon. Your eyes scan the distance that you have to make
and based on the information gathered, your mind activates on of those 'fight or flight'
systems. Both of those systems are rigged to work on land. In the middle of
a river neither fight nor flight is going to work. When your mind registers that
the inevitable happens. In layman terms it can be termed as 'the emotional part of
the brain taking over the logical part'.

When stuff like that happens people tend to illogical things. Drugs, rape,
alcohol, murder, suicide, surrender, hallucinate, argue, faith, lust, love are
just some of those 'things'.

Stupid boy. Soon I am going to drown. Pretty soon.

to be continued...

Get to know what is gonna happen in
Aqua Devils Association-Char
Revenge of a nerd

Aqua Devils Association-Do
A journey too long

Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.

Ok, how far was that? I looked back. Not very far.

Stroke stroke stroke stroke.

How far was that? Not very far.

Devils who jumped in first looked like dots. Devils looked like really far off.
The devil who chose to swim with me didn't look all that concerned.

A sudden realization came to my mind. I never swam in a river before. In a river,
water flows. Which means, you not only have to swim, but also maintain direction.
Which in other words mean, swim against.

Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.
Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.
Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.
Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.

(Repeat 5 times)

Devil dude, what are we (huff puff) gonna discuss in the meeting?

The regular stuff. Movies, politics and sex.

Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.
Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.
Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke.
Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.

(Repeat 5 times)

Dhevhil dhude, how deehp is the rivehr?

Deep. Very deep.

Sthroke. Pause. Sthroke. Pause.
Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.
Huff. Puff. Huff. Puff.
Sthroke. Pause. Sthroke. Pause.

(Repeat 10 times)

Most of the devils already gathered. They formed an informal circle. All of them
were at ease. As if they were just chatting sitting in park benches. They appeared
a lot closer.

But the last breath in me was already gone. The last ounce of oxygen I could inhale
was already burned. My hands refused to raise. My legs became heavy and were drowning.
Panic struck. My head became a little dizzy with fear.

So this is it. Ha! I am gonna die here. Ha!
Mom and Dad. Forgive me. I have failed you.
Trisha, Britney, Jlo…I will wait for you. In another world.
Who is gonna form the government? I will never know.

I was barely floating. The devil sensed that something was wrong.

Dude, do you need help?

F&*^% you. Not in this world. Not in this life.

Sorry.

I made it to the meeting.

If you want to remain afloat at one particular position in the middle of a flowing
river, you need to put in lot of effort. (Lesson learned). When you are dead tired
and thinking about drowning instead, you need to put in humongous effort.

to be continued..
Will Devils rescue Smiley?
Or will they just let him drown?

Get to know in..
Aqua Devils Association-Teen
At the edge of life

Aqua Devils Association-Ek
Humiliating the hosts

Round 1

This place sucks. There is no Smirnoff in the bar. They don't have ice cubes.
AC doesn't run. Chilly chicken is too chillyish. Its too humid. I am sweating.
Basically you guys and your this little frigging town suck.

The guy who introduced me to this big belly group adjusted himself uneasily in his
three legged chair.

Is there anything that you can boast of? What do you guys do for entertainment,
I mean, apart from drinking and raping your wives?

Round 2

You call this service? So, this is your hippest joint? So this is it?
I can have more fun with my mobile phone.

Round 3

You rotten stinking suckers. What else, apart from this? Entertain me. Throw me stuff.
Show me something cool.

One of them, barely audible said, " We have an association."

Association. Ha ha ha. Now you are making me laugh. Wait! You are making me puke.
What kind of association?

"Aqua Devils Association".

Devils! Hmm….what do you guys do?

"We get together in the morning. Some people play shuttle. Others swim."

You formed an association to do this? Why devils?

"Because we can do lot of stunts while swimming."

I looked at their bellies. I doubted their abilities.

Huh. What "stunt" do you guys do? Drown? You guys must be the left overs of the
association.
Ha ha ha.

"No sir. We can do this. We can do that. We can …".

Cut the crap. Ok, let me beat the shit out of you guys. Lets settle this score
once for all. I am in. I am joining you guys for a swim tomorrow. Morning sharp six.
By the way, where is the pool?

The next day morning.

It wasn't a pool. It was river Krishna. Calm and serene. Vast and wild.

Devils quickly jumped in. I looked around. Stretched my arms. Calmly took off my
pants and shirt. Wore my shorts. I couldn't see the other side of the river. On
my right side, the river looked like it ended into hills. On my left it disappeared
into fog.

The water was surprisingly clear and warm. I did couple of warm up strokes.
(All this to scare them off).

Ok, what do we do now?

Lets attend the meeting first.

Meeting? But everyone already jumped in.

Yeah! (Duh). Meeting is in the middle of the river.

I tried to appear cool. I casually looked at the horizon. At any discounted
distance the middle of the river looked like atleast 500 to 1000 meters from where
we were. The max stretch I did in my whole f$#%ing life was three continuous stokes
from one end to the other end at Bangalore corporation pool.

Sounds like fun. Lets go.

to be continued...

Happy Birthday Rohan


Little Dude,

Happy Birthday from Lee, LL, Smilee, Neil, Alpha, Fairy Dear, Bleachfaced Adi and Cut & Paste Kash.

Phantasmagoria

This chik stuff is simply mind blowing. Straight from the gut. Uncut.

Click me

Kteama

I taught my cook how to cook. My cook actually is my assistant/servant/cook/dhobi/
secretary/bartender. He doesnt get complicated with his cooking.

I kind of eat whatever is served. In that aspect (in that aspect only) I am my
mom's favourite son. Because I never complained about food in my whole life. Its
not that I dont have taste buds, but I can tolerate anything.

Ok, coming back to my cook. Couple of days back, I asked him to cook Kheema fry.
He did. He left. Later, I was in a mood for couple of vodkas that night. So, I had.

Then I remembered Kheema. I served myself a plateful of Kheema as 'stuff' for my
last shot. Kheema didnt taste right. It rather tasted like tea.

"Blewblewblewblw". I shook my head. "This vodka isnt doing the right thing to
my taste buds".

The more kheema I ate, the more it tasted like tea. I restrained my instinct to
spit out that tea like kheema. I finished the plate. But something wasnt right.

The next day morning, first thing, I smelled the left out kheema. It smelled like
tea.

Enter the dragon. My cook.

"Cook, cook, do you know how to cook Kheema? You should have asked me"
"Sir. Yes Sir. I didnt know how to cook. But I have my sources"

He proudly handed me the recipe he tore from a telugu magazine.

Kheema Curry

Kheema           1/2 Kg.
Salt                 1 Tea Spoonful.
Mirchi Powder  1 Tea Spoonful.
Masala            1/2 Tea Spoonful.

Mix the stuff and let it be for an hour.
Take a deep fry pan. Put oil, onions, garlic paste.
Deep fry the onions. Empty kheema paste into the pan.
Cook.
Serve.

Sunday Afternoon

I was supposed to go for a boring presentation at 1:30 in the afternoon. Got a
call from LL. Also got a call from couple of other friends who were planning for
a little trekking and swimming in woods. Got another call that informed that
the presentation would be postponed.

So I went. It was a lovely afternoon. A mansoon kind of afternoon. Hopped into
our cars with chilled beers and drove towards the woods. Since I cant mention names
here, here is peek into the crowd. One guy is a Mumbai based Musician. (worked for
several movies. His Ex Wife is Ex Mrs India). Couple of French Couples. Couple of
locals, us and this woman, Saveena. I have to tell about her. She is a Gold medal winner
in Fine Arts, a Herpatologist, assistant director to Ram Gopal Varma, made several
TV serials and acted in couple of movies.

We drove into a small village. She got down and gave instructions to the locals
for the preparation of some food. We had to walk to the lake. Oh by the
way, there is this snake catcher Raju, his Bengali wife and their son Tin Tin.
Also this boxer dog named Boxy.

It was P (the music guy) who jumped into the lake first. I followed him. When
I was in the middle of the lake I have realized that I have over estimated my
stamina. (Always happens).

By the time we finished swimming, the weather changed dramatically. Fierce winds
and dark clouds around us. It was such a lovely evening. There was a huge
rock where the ones who didnt know swimming sat. By the way, there was this
Telugu movie hero (who is also a son of a great singer) and his sister. They
were stoned.

Saveena: "Lets go for a trek."
I: "Did you say f***?"

We all went. Suddenly, Raju (the snake dude) jumped into a crack and came
out with a snake. He showed it to us. Saveena took the snake from him.

I: " Saveena, Saveena, I want to hold it."
Saveena: "It has a nasty bite. It will be very painful. You can touch it but cant
hold it"
I: "No, I want to hold it"
Saveena: "Not this one buddy. I will give you a good one to hold."

I touched the snake for a while and felt like one of those dudes on Discovery.

They left the snake back. We trekked further. We reached a small cave kind
of thing. "Saveena's ass wouldnt fit in there", I thought. But somehow she
managed. We crawled and saw light on the other side.

One of the French guys (David) was wearing a Patan dress. He and I wanted to
explore a rock. We climbed it.

I:"Dude, you dont have an ass. Whats wrong?"
David:"I trek a lot. I have no bum. They call me a goat. So, I goat no ass."
I:"Huh".

We reached back. Weather was over whelming. Huge dark clouds. Great winds.
The lake looked fantastic. Me and the ass less goat got carried away. We left
the group and climbed further.

When we reached the lake back, we were dead tired.

Food was ready. Beer was ready. I watched the sky for a long time. It started
raining. In that pitch dark rainy night I felt like I was part of the nature. I
felt like a beetle in cow dung. I thought couple of Haikus for myself

Rain, rock, lake, wind,
beer, food, friends, night and
creatures. Thank you God, but
who do I share this with?

Rain, you have the earth,
Rock, you have the fossil,
Sky, you have the clouds.
Who do I have?

They served food in (on?) leaves. I ate half of the food on the leaf and another
half on the rock. After food, while sipping gin from the ass less Goat's gin bottle
I asked him,

"How do you pronounce Joie De Vivre?"
"Jooooo the Viiiiv"
"Is my life still Joooo the viiiiv without a soul mate?"
"You have no her?"
"Answer the question, Goat"

Goat paused and pondered thus,
"It can be. Love the lake. Love the snake".

Saturday Night

Adi and I have been planning to have a beer from such a long time. When I met
Adi at HBM, I liked him instantly. He is such a cool guy.

Neil and I reached there first. Easy Rider is a Rock pub. Both of us were not into rock.
Two penny guy joined us. Adi came with a bleached face. LL joined us soon. We went
inside and shouted for a while. Then decided to quit. Went to a Punjabi Restaurent
(Err...I forgot the name).

It was a nice place. They asked us to wait for a while to get in. We waited on
the terrace. It had a beautiful view of Hyderabad. We discussed about our
non existing girl friends.

I have to say something about the Two Penny guy. He said he met with a serious
accident last week. He had injuries (serious and FULL injuries) on both hands,
one broken rib and a dislocated shoulder. Now, thats really cool. He looked
so content. He is definitely on my buddies list.

Some of the tit bits from our discussion

Adi:"We are a bunch of winners"

Adi:"The best cocktail I had was 'Sex on the Beach' after I had sex on a
beach in Goa"
Two Penny:"So you paid for two?"

Smiley:"The weirdest cocktail I have ever had was at Hyatt. The bartender mixed lots
of stuff and finally topped it off with spirit. He then lit it. Boom it went
into flames. Then he asked me 'drink' the flame. I drank"
Adi:"Huh? Is that all? The one I had was Chinese. It was a shuttle cock kind of
container that had a tube at the bottom. You have to suck through the tube.
Oh and they had a live snake in the container"

After couple of large pegs I slowly got high. The thing is, two pegs is good enough
for me. But I didnt admit it and ordered for the third one. (Because Adi and
Two Penny ordered for their third?) After that, I dont remember much. I guess it
was books. Yeah, it was books. Books, authors, films, work, LL, broken ribs,
Neil's dad, Adi's mom, LL, life, cricket etc.

Adi is extremely good at one liners. He made us laugh and laugh.

One cool thing about men is, they are cool. I mean, here we are, some strangers
on the street, having a good time like we have been friends for a long time.
Both Neil and LL are such a wonderful guys. (They didnt drink and yet shared the
bill.)

Finally we said good night. Neil and LL over paid the bill. I met an
entrepreneur on my way, who was selling 'I love you' balloons on the street at
midnight. I met an auto guy whose name is 'Khan latif Khan'. He dropped me at
home. I hugged him and said good night.

Haikus

Ab tak Chappan

He kills them with his gun
without a blink. Not before
his wife gets killed, he changes
course and uses a broken glass.

LOTR: Return of the king

The epic ends via
greater battles and with
stranger creatures.
Yawn.

Radha Kaise na Jale (Char)

"Drawing book? Oh, The Drawing Book..well I cant give it to you"

She was a little taken back.
"Why?"
"I am giving it to someone else"
"But you promised me yesterday"
"Sorry. I am giving it to Vasu. As a gift. He wont return it."
She literally shouted,
"Who? Vasu? Vasu?"
She looked at me with disbelief.
"Are you STILL friends with Vasu?"
"I am".

She shivered with anger and confusion. She grabbed my school box and said,
"But you promised me yesterday"
I took her hand off my box.

"Radha, my love, forget this appu gippu stuff. I drew a rose for you. As a matter
of fact, I have dedicated a whole drawing book for you, at home. If you ask me I
will draw whatever you want. I will teach whatever I can. Consider my poster colors
yours. Its ours."

But I never said that.

"Hand in hand, Radha my love, my hand is yours, forever.
It will draw for you as long as it can. But not THIS Appu".

I didnt do that either.

Instead I simply looked at the ground.

She stared at me for couple of seconds. I blinked hundred thousand times fractionally
looking at her. Tears came out of her eyes just like the proverbial 'flood gates
opened'.

All she could muster up was,
"Chee", with disgust, humility and hatred. With that chee, she turned and left
sobbing loudly.

I started home. Stopped on my way at Vasu's home. He wasnt there. I gave the
drawing book to his mom and told her that the book belongs to Vasu.

That night my home strangely was filled with silence. I walked in a daze.
My mom couldnt believe her eyes and ears. I didnt show any interest in the food.
I hit the bed an hour early and under the blanket cried my heart out. I sobbed
until I got hiccups.

I was told that men arent supposed to cry. Not over a Radha's chee and not in front
of a mom. I knew I was man enough.

Radha Kaise na Jale (Teen)

"Sir. Stop."
"Smiley is not that kind of guy. It must be Vasu who started it."
She added, "As far as I know, Smiley didnt do anything."

Meanwhile Vasu came out of his coma and first thing he did was pointing his
finger towards me. Master was enraged. He asked me to sit down and gave Vasu
another mighty slap, "You Liar. We know Smiley is innocent".

Vasu went back to his coma.

It didnt stop there. Master said that students like Vasu must be expelled and
they should be shown no mercy. He said that all the students must be ashamed of
Vasu and nobody should speak to him for a week. He shook Vasu out of his coma and
asked him to stand on the bench for the whole day. He asked Vasu to apologize
to the class and apologize to the girls. Vasu did. Every one looked at him with
utter disgust.

At the end of the day I told Vasu that I am his best friend and he can ask me
whatever he wanted and I would give it to him.

Without a blink, he said, "Ok, Give me your drawing book. I want it."
Without a blink, I said, "Its yours. I will get it to your home".

After school, while I was walking back home immersed in my thought, Radha came
running towards me. She took her breath and asked,
"Smiley, the drawing book"

Now what will Smiley do?
Who will finally win that 'Appu'?
Will Smiley tell the truth to Radha?

Read more in
Radha Kaise na Jale (Char)

Radha Kaise Na Jale (Do)

Vasu and I were having a field day. We were smiling upto our ears. Panty after
panty. Oh a blue one. Oh look an yellow one. Look look a zebra. Ayyo..chee does
she wear one? Wow. Oooh..aah. A few other kids sensed something. Pretty soon
couple of them joined us. Girls sensed that something was happening. Something
bad and something odd. One of them a 'shiny' one quickly grasped whats happening.
Suddenly girls became very aware. Skirts adjusted. Disgusting looks forwarded.

Vasu and I were like, "Oh, so the show is over. Lets go for lunch". But the shiny
girl didnt leave the matter there. She straight away headed to us and gave us the
most venomous look. She looked pure evil. The weakest of us shivered. She informed
us that we were heinous than hyenas and all girls are our sisters and that she
is going to report this class-less act to the head master.

Vasu and I were like, "Go ahead shiny. We have seen worse. This isnt even an issue
for us. Oh, by the way, I know you wear orange. Its you, who is class-less". Rest
of the kids didnt agree with us. They begged for pardon. We didnt budge.

Shiny one promptly reported the 'upskirt view party' we held during the 'no class'
hour, to our class master. An eerie silence filled the class room. All fingers were
pointed towards us. Class master asked me and Vasu to stand up. We stood. Vasu
pointed to me and said that it was I who started it and it was my idea in the first
place." Shut up" He shouted. "You Scoundrels, you bastards, you sons of guns, you
..you..." he became overwhelmed with anger and he slapped Vasu with all his might.
We all felt the resonance. Vasu's skull literally hmmmmmed for a while inside
his head. He just went blank and somehow managed to point his finger to me
before he fell on the desk.

Still shaking, the master approached me. The whole class looked forward to what
was gonna happen next. Especially the shiny one. When the master lifted his
hand, just like in movies, Radha stood and said,..

What did Radha Say? Has she turned against Smiley?
What ordeal lies ahead of Smiley and Vasu?
By the way, what happens to 'Appu'?

Read more in
Radha Kaise na Jale (Teen)

Radha Kaise na Jale? (Ek)

I used to 'draw' when I was a kid. A lot of pictures. One of my favorites was 'Asiad Appu'. Appu was the mascot for 1982 Asiad games. I drew lot of Appus. One day my dad gave me a certain gift called 'Poster Colours' and a No.2 Camel haired brush.

I drew an Appu in my drawing book and filled it with Poster white. On the head
of Appu I put a Bindi using my mom's 'Tilakam'. It came out well. Kids trickled
in to see 'Appu'. Within couple of days I have proudly added 'Art by :-)' at
the bottom.

The word spread to school.

On a beautiful sunny afternoon when I was walking home for lunch (home was
nearby), Radha came running to me. She stood in front of me, caught some breath
and said, "Smiley, I want to see your Appu. Also, can you teach me how to draw
an Appu?"
"Yeah sure, I will get you my drawing book tomorrow."

That night I drew a rose in the same drawing book (hoping she would get the
message). Next day I took my drawing book to school. My best buddy Vasu found
out that I was acting a little different that day. Every other second I was
looking at Radha and Radha was looking at me. We were blushing.

The inevitable happened. When I was looking for something in my box, Vasu found
out that I had a drawing book inside. He took out and marvelled the art.

When girls bend, their skirts get lifted. If you are clever enough to bend down
a little at the same time, you can see their panties. I had a fetish for that view.

I found out that the first bench girls were the most talkative and the most
gossiping. A lot of other girls used to group around that bench. Some of them
used to bend over it, listening intently and not realizing their up skirt views.

With evil intentions in mind, just the day before I convinced Vasu and rearranged
the benches in the whole class room. Instead of being next to the first bench we
were side to the first bench now. The results were more than rewarding that day.

I also had plans that day to give my drawing book to Radha in the lunch when nobody
is watching us. Our Telugu teacher didnt show up that day. Which left us with
'No class' just before the lunch hour. Some kids opted to go out and play.
Some stayed back to make airplanes and boats stuff. Most of the girls chose to
gossip, bending over the first bench.

Now, what does an upskirt view have to do with an 'Appu'?
What evil intentions does Vasu hold in mind?
Will Radha win Appu?
Read more in
Radha Kaise Na Jale (Do)

Some English

A friend of mine, Kishore, was doing his engineering. He had a classmate. Her
name was Rekha. Rekha used to go to NIIT. She had a batchmate, Venkatesh.
Venkatesh and Kishore inturn were friends. One day Rekha came up in their
conversation. Venkatest was surprised to know that Kishore was Rekha's class mate.
Venkatesh wanted Kishore to convey his hi to Rekha.

When Kishore met Rekha this is what he said.

"Hi, Venkatesh asked me to tell you that he asked me to tell you that he asked you".

Some Hindi

"Kotariji, Mai Abhi Raj Kumar Agarwal se baat kiya. Woh bola ki woh paanch baje ko
hamse bolenge. Mai bola ki Mai Kotari se bolke mai aapko boltu. Toh yeh baat
hi. Mai yeh bola. Aap bhi Agarwal se bolke mujko ek baar boliye"

Mr.V trying to convey the following information to a Mr. Kotari.

"I just called Raj Kumar Agarwal. He said meeting is at 5. Why dont you call
him up and confirm?"

inspired by inpassing.org

_ r _ _ m _ Limited (Uncut)

V.O (Voice Over): Run Run.. they are coming.

From the middle of the woods, she emerged out of the fog. Riding on a horse,
galloping towards me. It was her long, care free hair that was flying
backwards that caught me. She was holding something in her hand. A flower?
She bent towards me to give that to me. Thats when I noticed that she was
naked.

I pulled her hand with might and she fell on me. I rolled and I was on top of her.
The water bed had fish inside. It was as if we were on a jelly aquarium. She laughed
and adjusted her pillow. I snatched her locket and threw it off. Either she
didnt notice or she didnt care. My index finger traced her cleavage. It didnt
travel far, stopped by her bra. I reached her behind to unhook the bra. Failed.
Looked helpless at her. She enjoyed my ineptness with her bra.

I: Is it a hook?
She: You should know.

Instead I slipped one strap off her shoulder. The other off her other shoulder.
I pulled down her bra up to her navel. I bent and pressed my mouth around her
navel and blew air. She twisted in laughs. I held her hands. Spread them wide.
With my one day beard chin I tickled her stomach. She had tears laughing.

She: Please Please Please leave me.
I: Say, I love you.
She: I love you.
I: Say I love you twice.
She: I love you.
She: I love you.
I: Say I love you thrice.
She: Shut up.

I released her hands. She got up a little to hug me and whispered in my ears.
Thrice.
I kissed her cupping her right breast.

We rolled. Fell into the sand. Wet sand. I went down a little. She tasted salty.
Another fresh wave broke on us. We drifted for couple of seconds. Finding ourselves
in a new position. Then I told her,

I:..
I: Dude, I dont get this.
I: You dont get what?
I: She was naked once, wearing a black bra in another second.
I: She was naked when she was riding horse, now we are somewhere else. By the
way who are you and what am I talking to you. Wait a minute. You!!!
Get back dude. Get back.
I: But...

She flickered. She held my face with her soft palms, kissed on my lips and said,

I: Also, how can fish live in a water bed. ...and when you fell, you should fall
on a floor, not, INTO a beach.
I: Shut the f*** up. I know. I know. You better get back to sleep dude.
Please, I might loose her.

She flickered again. She beckoned before she was gone.

Halo

A friend gave me 'Halo' for my Xbox couple of days back. Once I started it,
I couldnt stop. (Finished six levels. Four left). I slept at three am this
morning. I am deprived of sleep from the past one week. Can someone sing a
lullaby for me?

P.S: Make sure that you are carrying your plasma shield.

P.S: If anyone of you is thinking about buying a gift for me there is nothing
that can make me happier than Halo2.

P.S: Here is a snapshot of my current thought.
S**t I just scanned four of them on North East.
Click. Click. Low on ammo. Low on plasma. One grenade left.
Where the f%#@ is Captain Keyes?
I am gonna charge in. Someone cover me from long.

P.S: Can someone sing a lullaby for me?

The Bunbundoolooeys

THE mother Bunbundoolooey put her child, a little boy Bunbundoolooey, who could
only just crawl, into her goolay.( Goolay is a sort of small netted hammock, slung
by black women on their backs, in which they carry their babies and goods in
general). Bunbundoolooey, the mother, put her goolay across her back, and started
out hunting.

When she had gone some distance she came to a clump of Dunnia (wattle trees).
At the foot of one of these she saw some large grubs, which were good to eat.
She picked some up, and dug with her yam stick round the roots of the tree to get
more. She went from tree to tree, getting grubs at every one. That she might gather
them all, she put down her goolay, and hunted further round.

Soon in the excitement of her search, she forgot the goolay with the child in it,
and wandered away. Further and further she went from the Dunnia clump, never once
thinking of her poor baby. On and still on she went, until at length she reached
a far country.

The baby woke up, and crawled out of the goolay. First he only crawled about, but
soon he grew stronger, and raised himself, and stood by a tree. Then day by day
he grew stronger and walked alone, and stronger still he grew, and could run. Then
he grew on into a big boy, and then into a man, and his mother he never saw while
he was growing from baby to man.

But in the far country at length one day Bunbundoolooey, the mother, remembered
the baby she had left.

"Oh," she cried, "I forgot my baby. I left my baby where the Dunnias grow in a
far country. I must go to my baby. My poor baby! I forgot it. Mad must I have been
when I forgot him. My baby! My baby!"

And away went the mother as fast as she could travel back to the Dunnia clump
in the far country. When she reached the spot she saw the tracks of her baby,
first crawling, then standing, then walking, and then running. Bigger and bigger
were the tracks she followed, until she saw they were the tracks of a man. She
followed them until she reached a camp. No one was in the camp, but a fire was
there, so she waited, and while waiting looked round. She saw her son had made
himself many weapons, and many opossum rugs, which he had painted daily inside.

Then at last she saw a man coming towards the camp, and she knew he was her baby,
grown into a man. As he drew near she ran out to meet him, saying:

"Bunbundoolooey, I am your mother. The mother who forgot you as a baby, and left
you. But now I have come to find you, my son. Long was the journey, my son, and
your mother was weary, but now that she sees once more her baby, who has grown
into a man, she is no longer weary, but glad is her heart, and loud could she sing
in her joy. Ah, Bunbundoolooey, my son! Bunbundoolooey, my son!"

And she ran forward with her arms out, as if to embrace him.

But stern was the face of Bunbundoolooey, the son, and no answer did he make with
his tongue. But he stooped to the ground and picked therefrom a big stone. This
swiftly he threw at his mother, hitting her with such force that she fell dead
to the earth.

Then on strode Bunbundoolooey to his camp.

(An Australian aborginal story. I have taken some freedom here and there for
more readability. Read more at sacred texts).

Tortoise and Giraffe - An African Folktale

Giraffe and Tortoise, they say, met one day. Giraffe said to Tortoise,
"At once I could trample you to death."
Tortoise, being afraid, remained silent.
Then Giraffe said,
"At once I could swallow you."
Tortoise said, in answer to this,
" Well, I just belong to the family of those whom it has always been customary
to be swallowed."

Then Giraffe swallowed Tortoise; but when the latter was being gulped down,
he stuck in Giraffe's throat, and as the latter could not get it down, he was
choked to death.

When Giraffe was dead, Tortoise crawled out and went to Crab (who is considered
as the mother of Tortoise), and told her what had happened. Then Crab said:

"The little Crab! I could sprinkle it under its arm with Boochoo,[1]
The crooked-legged little one, I could sprinkle under its arm."

Tortoise answered its mother and said:

Have you not always sprinkled me,
That you want to sprinkle me now?

Then they went and fed for a whole year on the remains of Giraffe.

[1. (In token of approval, according to a Hottentot custom.)]

From a collection of African Folktales.
Read more at Sacred-Text

A scented bunny shaped eraser-III

My dad was stunned. He narrated to me how many shops he went to and how much time
he spent on buying that bunny eraser for me. My mom scolded me. She said I was not
worthy of being her younger son. I cried. My brother added that I was not worthy
of anything. I wept.

My dad gave a verdict that atleast the remaining bunny should be protected from me
and that my brother should keep custody of it. That hurt me and I threw fits.
No one cared.

The next day, my brother and his friends kicked my buddy Vasu's butt and grabbed
the bunny's head. They somehow managed to restore the glorious original shape
using a certain glue called 'Quikfix'. My brother became a celebrity.

Vasu cursed me and called it 'Cut off'. That hurt me like hell. I some how managed
to hold my tears. Radha thought I was lying to her. That hurt me more. Why would
I ever lie to my love Radha. I would have given her the whole bunny if she wanted.

I also ended up standing on the bench for three out of eight classes on that day
because I missed all my home work.

Needless to say, the 'crap' kid and I became thick friends later and remained
so for the rest of the year.

A scented bunny shaped eraser-II

It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. In the divine hands of my dad was
a bunny 'shaped' scented eraser. Not a 'scented eraser' 'inside' a cheap plastic
mould. It was the real thing. It was the H-Bomb. The eraser itself was bunny shaped.
That night I almost didnt sleep.

The next day at school was glorious. Glorious. We all boo'ed the crap kid. Radha
even smiled at me. I loaned that eraser to her for an entire maths class. She used
it. It looked so beautiful in her hands. Thoughts of marrying her came to my mind.
Radha and I would love each other eternally. We will do our home work together
and we will use the same bunny eraser.

Things dont just go the way you planned.

At the end of that glorious day, my dude-of-dudes and dude-of-the-year Vasu buddy
came to me and asked for the unexpected. He wanted me to cut that eraser into two
equal halfs. He wanted the head part. Without any hesitation, I bit the head part
and gave it to him.

I went home. At home, my brother and four of his friends were waiting for me. Looks
like the news of 'Scented Bunny eraser' spread across the class rooms. My brother's
friends wanted to see that thing. The new cool in thing. My brother proudly stood
among his friends. He is elder. He knows that I have to obey him. He said,
"Now, show me that bunny thing".

I tried every classic act. Right from " I have a constitutional right to not
to show you dudes my eraser" to "I beg you to trust me. The head master took it"
and finally to "You have to promise me that you wont tell dad".

When I took the half bitten bunny out, my brother's friends 'thooo'd him. He
was humiliated. He felt embarrassed for having a brother like me. He kicked my
ass and reported the whole thing to my dad.

what happened next..? know tomorrow in
A scented bunny shaped eraser-III

A scented bunny shaped eraser-I

Long time back I was a kid. I used to go to school. Back then, we didnt have
'Reynolds' pens. We were rural. We used pencils and plain refills. The most
commonly used pencil was 'Nataraj'. An odd rich kid used to have an 'Apsara' pencil.
'Apsara' pencils were beautifully manufactured pencils, with color coats and
cute cartoon pics on them and with a small eraser at the other end. Those kids were
revered.

Every kid carried his own eraser. Cheap 10p Khaki colored military erasers to
expensive pink colored scented erasers. Cheap erasers tore pages. Scented erasers
allowed you to make as many mistakes as possible with your spellings. Kids with
scented erasers were revered.

On a sunny day, one kid brought an 'Animal eraser'. It basically was a rabbit
shaped plastic mould. It innocently looked like a cute Rabbit. But if you opened
it, you would find a scented eraser inside. Viola. The smell of that eraser filled
the entire class room. That kid became an instant celebrity. I turned green.

In reality, that kid was crap. But he had that eraser. When my love 'Radha' was
after him, for that scented bunny eraser, I turned red.

I cried for three full days. I spat on my mom. I went on hunger strike. I refused
to go out and play. I submitted a cost benefit analysis to my dad. I pitied myself
to death. My dad was so fed up that he promised a 'scented bunny eraser' 'pretty
soon'.

I forgot about it in a day. In couple of days that crap kid became just that.
Crap. Radha ignored him.

After a month or so, when I was least expecting it, my dad came to me and said,
" Look what I have got".
I looked.

expect the unexpected tomorrow in..
A scented bunny shaped eraser-II

I am that I am

I am the far-off snow-capped mountain.
I am the deer that runs the winding trail.
I am you that walks through its majestic trees.
I am the whisper you hear in its leaves.
I am you and you are I.


I am the wave you see at the ocean.
I am the tide you see subside.
I am the salty spray you taste upon your lips.
I am the wind you feel through your hair.
I am you and you are I.


I am the sand that tickles you feet.
I am the sea foam that flows ankle high.
I am the sea gull you hear nearby.
I am you and you are I.


I am the person who you are hugging.
I am the hand which you are holding.
I am you and you are I.


I am the passion that comes with surprise.
I am the sigh that comes from inside.
I am you and you are I.

Written by Vossa E. Wysinger
Copyrighted material
1966

Click

Delirium now

Consciousness is beyond your mind and beyond emotions.
Is it beyond love?"
In a way, yes, it is. When your love is universal and absolute,
it is not 'love' anymore. It is the truth.
Then why is it so hard to achieve?
Because of desire.
Like?
Lust, greed, ...
Wait..is loving someone and wanting to be with them, comes under desire?
Yes.
(Silence)
(Silence)

Is sex a form of desire or is it a way to...
Its a form of desire and at the same time it is a way to liberate yourself from
desire.
How? I guess you are contradicting yourself.
(Silence)
(Smiles) How?
(Whispers it in the ear)

Wow..I didnt know there is so much more to it.
You were eclipsed with desire. You were kept from the truth.
Will I ever find the truth? Will I ever find 'The One' who will share the truth
with me?
(Smiles and after a long pause says...) You will have to find it out.

See...Delirium

HBM

For a while LL and I feared that probably it will be only two us at the meet.
Then came this guy. 'Adi'. (Rhymes with 'Maddy', thats how he pronounces it like).

After a while, this dude with a digital camera named Neil joined us. Even though
the fact that he uses Netscape bothered me, I ended up liking him. One thing is,
he is got a camera, another thing is he was born in Assam.

Then two disoriented dudes joined us. One of them has a private blog. He is a
strange aberration to my upcoming post 'Evolution of Co-bloggers' for my
'Unified Blog Theory'. (If you are confused with the previous sentence, consider
yourself normal.)

Then I had a chicken tikka sandwich. (alpha, I know you are counting calories).

Then came 'neverbeenbetter Babita' with a flashing and promising smile. She said
something like 'Babita is not my actual name, its my pet name. Eventhough its
my pet name I use it like my actual name. So what you think my actual name is
actually my pet name'.

Then, I had a doughnut. (A zero calorie one).

Then this strange Aaditya guy joined us. He blabbered, 'fire fox, emacs rules,
debian kills, fsf and oh-my its my folks'. He joked something about Bill Gates.
(Duh). He offered some insights into a bloggers mind.(Duh) Needless to say, he had a
beard. (Duh). If not for the good looking Vaishalee who accompanied him, I would
have gotten into 'oh emacs sucks. vi rocks' thing.

Vaishalee posts as 'Small Tiger' because she posts as 'Small Tiger' because she
posts as 'Small Tiger'.

By then the disoriented dudes got really disoriented.

Then Neil and Adi (rhymes with Maddy) read out all the railway and bus stations
in East India. All of us carried cameras and all of us took snaps of all of us.
(I should confess that Babita and Vaishalee got more coverage.)

Then we filled a questionnaire, introduced ourselves, talked about blogging,
cartoons , comments written in Berkely's unix code, LL's age, his good looking
shirt and our non existing girl friends.

The disoriented guys got disillusioned and left.

Vaishalee had a coffee.

Adi (rhymes with Maddy) told us a Bill Clinton joke, a Bill Gates joke and a
Sardarji joke.

Vaishalee and Aatish left. (Vaishalee paid for more than she ate. I have plans
to donate that extra money to 'Poor Bloggers Foundation'.)

Neil thus spoke and left.

I paid the bill and every one paid me. I ended up 30 bucks richer.

We all left.

By the way did I mention that Babita and Adi (rhymes with you know what...)
sang songs?

Oh, by the way, did I mention that alpha won the contest? We were nine people.

Women Logic and

mmm..
logic women and..
nah..
and women logic
nah..
and logic women
nah..

Resolve

"We have to sit and resolve to sit and resolve the issue"
-Overheard a conversation in Pinakini Express
-Inspired by inpassing.org

Man in the mirror

Looked myself in the mirror. Looked like this.
(-:

jdv @ Chennai Central

The fat hindi speaking bitch

I prepared notes for one full week. Printed tons of sheets from the net. Made
a file. Travelled to Vijayawada and had a big long meeting. Sacrificed two days
of sleep. I was fully prepared. But she simply said "yes" to everything. Our
meeting lasted 7.5 minutes. All of my requests granted.

An old friend

That left me with tons of time. Called an old buddy. His wife is pregnant and
is in Bangalore. He was just coming back from work. Couldnt get better I thought.
He sensed me and said,'Oh yeah lekin I gotta go back to work again'. So much
for an old buddy. How much, women change men.(!)

Change of Plans

I had a ticket booked for Hyd Express that evening. I changed plans. Ordered the
travel guy to cancel my ticket and book one for pinakini to Vijayawada and deliver
it to my room. I had my own ideas and was looking forward to a glorious journey.

Higginbothams

Looked at the book, 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus'. That is one
book I always wanted to read. I opened the book at random.'Give her a hug four
times a day'. It was printed in bold. My spirits were dampened. The book suddenly
looked like a worm in my hands. I looked around. Its been a while since I read
fiction. (Life of Pi was my last). I found Jeffrey Archers 'To cut a long story
short'. Wow. Short stories by Archer. You cant ask for more. Looked around.
Found 'The Present' by spencer. Wow. Lucky me. Bought the books.

Food

Then I headed to Hot Breads and ordered one bread omlette, one chicken puff. Had.
Looked around. Moved on to another store. Had an egg puff. Moved on. Had an
orange juice. Moved on. Had Curd bath. Curd bath basically sucked. Had. So, moved on.
Had a black forest pastry. Moved on. Mmmm. A new snack store. Ordered 'Kaal' kilo
Pepper appalams. Got into the train. (I certainly know how to spend time at the
central. I once lived there for two days.)

The journey

Short story after short story. Appalam (chekkidam) after appalam.
Destination reached.

More food

Headed straight to DeeVee manor. A cousin of mine joined. Had chilli chicken and
some soup and ofcourse couple of large Smirnoff vodkas.

@ Home

Reached home at 11:45. Dad opened the door. He already had three large Rums.
I didnt look at him. He didnt look at me. Slept like a rock.

Watersports

Peeing is such a fun activity. Atleast, it used to be so in my childhood. Looking
back I realize now, how much I have enjoyed peeing.

Drawing Shapes: This is a privilege reserved for men. (I guess!!). If you are a
kid and if you are peeing on a ground it gets boring after couple of micro seconds.
You would want to do some thing. Drawing something is one of them. Drawing a shape
on the ground is akin to drawing something using your mouse. You dont exactly
get to draw what you wanted to draw, but its fun. Snakes, Rectangles and circles
are the most common shapes. With some collaboration and team effort we once drew
a train.

The farthest: If you and your buddy are peeing together on a daily basis, a contest
out of it is nothing but natural. Long before I learned the words 'velocity',
'gravity', 'angle' and 'viscocity' I have naturally discovered that at 45 Degrees
I (any one) shoot the farthest. I discovered it by starting at zero (unlike many
kids who start at 90) degrees and moving slowly upwards. I have realized that
at a certain angle I peaked. I marked that angle. I used to win most of the contests.

In the pool: Most of my childhood holidays were spent at my granpa's place. Its
pretty rural. I learned swimming along with cows and some occasional buffaloes.
If you are a Buffalo you tend to do whatever you feel like doing. Buffaloes dont
have any rules. I learned marking my territory by peeing from Buffaloes. It also
feels good to pee in a pool. Even long later, when I used to swim at Bangalore
Corporation pool, I used to mark my territory. When some of my friends
discovered that, they were awe struck. I frankly thought they were over reacting.
Dah, what is gonna a little pee make difference in such a big pool?

Shower: When I was in USA, I used to pee while taking bath. Not really pee, but a
little. You dont get out of the tub to pee while taking a shower, do you? Once again my
room mate over reacted. He, it seems have been taking traditional bath tub baths,
soaking on the same grounds where I peed. (I peed on his tooth brush several times,
dipped it in the LU several times and never told him about that).

In bed: Big deal! I used to wet my bed when I was a kid. I always used to get a
dream in which I used to pee. After some time I used to realize that I wasnt dreaming.
My mom used to make me sleep alone in the hall. I never really felt bad about that.
But like one time, we went to Grandpa's place and almost all of my cousins were
there. All my little cousins wanted to sleep with me. ( I mean next to me. I used
to be a very good story teller.) My mom told them all that I might wet my bed. My
star status immediately bottomed and I spent the rest of the vacation humiliated
by my 6 year old cousins. I was 12 then.

After Sex: Men have many problems. They dont discuss their problems often. One
of the difficulties men face is, peeing after having sex. A man's penis is a
tube like thing. Occasionally it gets hard. Its actually a good organ to
pee through. It acts like a very good pipe. But after sex, it acts like a
sprinkler. Unlike Buffaloes, humans have to pee into a hole whose diameter is
limited. That makes the job tough. Also, it is very hard to bend an erect penis.
If you try to pee with an erect penis, you over shoot. Since bending an erect penis
to an angle less than 90 is a tough job I usually do stuff like, "What would it
be like having sex with Hillary Clinton?" or "I wonder how much is 13 multiplied
by 27 and the result divided by 19". That does the job.

Cat in the Boot

When I was a kid I used to loose lot of things. Things like my pens, books,
rubbers etc. My father once gave me and my brother beautiful pens that were
made out of sandalwood. I lost my pen promptly.

My brother kept his in his bag. His bag used to smell so good. One day I felt like
using his pen (thats considered a sin) to do my homework. His pen fit in my hand
very well and I started writing effortlessly. Soon I started just gliding through
my homework. I actually entered a homework-zone just like VVS Laxman gets into
his batting-zone. In the zone, solutions flow effortlessly. If you were asked to
write an essay on cow dozen times, you would do that.

In the middle of the zone, my brother snatched the pen from my hands. I felt so
helpless. I also sensed an evil smile on his face. To take revenge I hid his
Social studies notebook in our washing machine. I totally forgot about it in
an hour. We were then in the middle of our unit tests.

The next day when I came home after a play-in-sand-n-eat-some-sand session I found
my brother silently weeping. (He was never public with that kind of stuff). In
between tears he said that he lost his Social studies notebook and that he had
an exam the next day. I was jubilant. Soon my dad is going to come home from
work and going to kick my brother's ass. I visualized my brother's ass being
kicked in Eastman color, slow motion and spring action. I was literally jumping
around my mom, asking "mom, isnt dad coming early today?". Running around the
home, "Dad is gonna come..naaranannaanaa","Dad is gonna come..naaranannaanaa".

My Dad came and hell broke loose. My mom quickly defended my brother. But my
brother was consummated with fear, guilt and despair. He was at the edge. I actually
felt a little sorry for him and started looking around the usual corners in the home
for his book. When I passed the washing machine I have developed a sudden chill.
Something told me that I had something to do with that machine. When I understood
what had happened my legs trembled. Unfortunately, my dad just entered that room
and started looking for that book. I just froze in front of the WM not knowing
what to do. Then I did a stupid thing that only a stupid kid can do. I opened
the lid of WM, took the book out and shouted, "Wow, what ah Suhhrprise. This book
is here? Ha..of all the places..he lost his book here? Mom mom I found the book,
brother you can read now....ho ho ho....a book in a washing machine? Never heard
of it. How did it get here? I cant bellllieve this..."

On that fateful night, my mom and my brother watched my ass being kicked, with
huge and pleasant smiles on their faces.

Movie Haiku

Munnabhai MBBS

Munna is a 'bhai'.
He can also cure you with a hug.
Thats why they called him
Munnabhai MBBS

For more Movie Haikus Click

Matches are made by Alpha

Thanks Alpha. I have finally found my mate.
(Tears of joy)

Click

Men and their ...

Couple of years back USA Today asked men some questions.
They revealed. More than 80% of them have nicknames for
their dicks. Yeah most of them talked to it atleast once
in their life time.

Nick names? In school we used to call it 'The Little One' or
simply, 'Brother'. Jokes like, "How is your brother doing?"
"Oh! He hasnt slept in two days" used to rule. But I dont
remember anyone having 'specific' nicknames. I never had one.

Talking? Things like, "Easy Junior, easy", or "Its not the time"
or "sleep, sleep, you are getting into deep sleep now" or
"Get up, sucker" or "Hold on, hold on" are pretty common among
men. But talking, I mean, seriously talking to it!! Nah.

I could not help but think about women. If men have names for dicks,
women must be having names for their boobs. What would they name
them like? They must be looking for lots of twin names. "Rosy, Posy",
"Itsy, Bitsy", "Tipsy, Topsy" etc.

If men are talking to their dicks, women must be talking to their
..."little ones". Since women are 'relationship' oriented it must be
something like, "

Little Girl, Little Girl, Laa la la la
There is only one who you will ever want to have in.
Till then, hold on to your nerve and dont commit any sin.

Little Girl, Little Girl, Laa la la la

".

A shore that can never be reached

I paddle relentlessly.

The shore wants me. I want the shore.
But it never happens.

Sometimes its an unexpected tide.
Sometimes its a strange creature.

The shore wants me so much, it appears
strangely in my path. The moment I see
the shore, I forget about my journey and
turn towards it. Never did I make it. Never
did the shore succeed.

The shore always wanted to embrace me,
but it had its own problems.

I always wanted to reach the shore,
but I had my own problems.

Everytime I try to forget the shore and
set on a new course I end up paddling towards
it, again.

Neither I nor the shore made it so far.

But, the shore still believes in miracles.

So, do I.

Interesting

I have been reading this book called 'The Power of Now' lately.
The authors ideas and views about love and relationships are
strikingly similar to that of mine. (Expressed in my post titled 'Delirium').

Too strikingly similar. For a moment I felt a little proud and later I got
maha curious. How can two people think alike (including words and
sentences?).

:-)

It was a foggy Indian winter morning. On the other side of the pond there was
a small temple. One of those millions of Hindu Gods in it. Behind the temple
were rows of apartments in strange and gaudy colors. Green, Violet, Red, White,
Orange and they went.

Emerging form the fog, were different kinds of birds. Some flocking towards West
and some to South. The fog was getting a little mistified on the surface of the
water. Occassionally swirling and occassionally forming odd shapes. One could
see the water buffaloes that were already in the water.

Above all, was the round and red sun. The Sun dominated the scene. It shone on
everything. The air was still virgin. Not filled with sound and not filled
with smoke yet.

The half devoured coffee was still hot and just then I heard the door bell ring.
Both Times of India and Eenadu were delivered at my door. Aaah..the Joy of Life.

?

I like peanuts with my beer. But do I like beer with my peanuts?
Gotta findout.

Me, Myself and Myself

One thing I like about myself is I like myself.

A Recipe.

Add...
35 beaches
Sign boards
Alcohol
Food
Sun
Moon
Coconut trees
100000 tourists
inhibitions
Grind.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Add..
10000W music
Dance
Grind.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Pour into your glass.
Enjoy.
(By the way, this shagadillac juice is called Goa.)

Sound of the night

2:30 am

I suddenly woke up. I woke up swarmed with issues and problems.
I tried getting back to sleep. No luck. Problems won. I was
reading a book called 'Power of Now' before I went to sleep. So I picked the
book. The book is all about 'Now' aka 'Present moment awareness'.
In 'Now' you dont think about anything but absolutely be 'present'
with all your senses.

3:00 am

I wanted to give it ('Now') a shot to switch off my chirpy brain.
I closed my eyes and started listening to the sound of the night.
It was really peculiar, in a sense that I actaully pay little attention
to 'sound' on a normal night. To accentuate, I switched off the fan.
Listening to the night! Huh! I thought. I heard a continuous wooosh,
automobiles, dogs, tress, wind, crickets, some digital equipment,
something mechanical, someone opening my window, water drops, ...
wait a minute...someone opening my window?

3:15 am

I became very alert. I still closed my eyes fishing for that sound.
I heard it again. I opened my eyes and reharsed the scene of someone
entering my bedroom with a knife in hand, in my mind. I fared death.
Just for the kicks, I closed my eyes again and started listening to
the night.

3:45 am

Some kind of uneasy feeling took over me. Fuck 'Now', I thought.
I switched on the lights, TV and made myself a really big cup of coffee.

4:30 am

Took my byke (Fiero F2) out and headed towards KBR park. (KBR is a
densely vegetated park).

5:10 am

F2 was the only bike in the parking lot. It was dark and cold.
I bought a ticket and entered the park to finish my 3 Km walkathon.

5:20 am

I realised how stupid I was. I was the only soul as far as could see.
My thoughts drifted towards 'Now'. In that darkness and that
eerie stillness I suddenly felt very lonely and vulnerable.

5:30 am

I was listening to everything and looking at everything in some kind
of hyper alert mode. I just got tired and wanted to run. But someone
inside me insisted on wearing a 'brave' mask. I wore.

5:40 am

Have you ever walked listening to every sound in the woods? You would
be dead by the end of it. Just when my mind was almost halucinating I
heard someone calling me from a corner, "Excuse me". I turned around and
found a female. She must be in her mid twenties. She had a small body frame.

5:45 am

She wanted to know the way out. She said she was shit scared. I told her
the way out. She insisted on walking along with me. We walked for about
15 mins together. Females are less inhibitive about personal stuff. She told
me about her dad, her sister etc. She inquired about mine. I told her
very little about myself. After a while I joked to myself that she was just
a ghost.I thought may be "I see dead people". What the fuck was she doing
in the park? I didnt ask though.

6:05 am

We approached the main entrance. It was still considerably dark and cold.
She asked my name. I told mine. She had a cute smile. I didnt even ask hers.
I just said "Nice meeting you". I didnt offer to drop her.

6:25 am

I stopped at a cafe and ordered a chai. I felt a little perplexed about
the whole thing.

Finished

Have you ever reached the final level or just 'finished' playing a
video game? After spending close to fifty hours with Rallysport on
my xbox, I have reached that much revered 'classic' level and have
finished first on all the tracks and opened up all the cars.

Now who is buying me a new game?

Delirium

When you look long enough into her eyes, you can see it. Its like unlocking
yourself into a new zone.When you look long enough into her eyes, you can see
that simple, pure and magical love.

It is then you get this great urge to kiss her. Kissing is a good beginning.
When your lips touches hers, your rest of the sensory organs stop working or
start working in a totally different dimension. You close your eyes, your
mind stops chatting with you and you know 'its' happening.

The act of having sex, just like eating and excreting is pleasurable. It is also
associated like the rest (eat and excrete) with an 'urge'. It has a purpose.
Reproduction. But we humans are an exception. Most of the times we dont
have sex to reproduce. Then why do we have sex? Why are we capable of having sex
in all seasons and through most of our lives? What is sex when it comes humans?
Dictionaries define sex as "The sexual urge or instinct as it manifests itself
in behavior" or "Sexual Intercourse".

You start kissing her soft lips at very short intervals occasionally looking
into her face. When she looks at you the magic happens again. Suddenly you
change your gear and kiss her for a long (really long) time. She initially holds
her breath for a while but just lets it go. You do the same. You start inhaling
and exhaling in a rhythm. Her breath becomes a sweet and mild breeze. You lift
your lips and just stare at her. She already is wandering in a zone. She comes
out of it. She looks at you and gives a shy smile. You kiss her with your tongue.
You suck on one of her lips. She hesitantly does the same. You trace her
lips with your tongue and literally open her lips with it. Your tongues get in
touch and you exchange your saliva. You suddenly become awed with the treasure you
have in your hands and lips. You suddenly become overwhelmed with the pleasure
and the upcoming prospects of it. It is then you port yourselves into a positive
zone. Everything has only a good side there. Yucky things suddenly become sucky.
Learned egos, attitudes and rituals suddenly evaporate. A new yourself who wants
do what he wants to do in a 'no strings attached' manner emerges.
You grab her and she grabs you.

If we are not having sex to reproduce, what are we having sex for? Pleasure?
Give me a break. There are more pleasurable things, like having beer
with your friends, watching cricket, playing volley ball, driving a car, reading
a book, eating food or just being yourself. The cost attached to sex is also super
high. Trying to find a girl, understanding her, establishing a relationship, getting
intimate and maintaining that relationship is an enormous task. The cost of sex
for a girl is almost double; morally, physically and economically. Finding a
prostitute is another enormous task. Find a channel, find a good one,
find a place, prepare contingency plans, spend money, break laws and take
supreme risks with your health. The cost of getting caught is huge. The cost of
catching an unwanted virus is death. In short it would be the riskiest thing you
would ever do. Then why do we and our manifestations (literature, commerce, art)
thrive on sex?


You slightly tilt your head to get deeper into her mouth. She tilts her's
backwards and yields . You become very expressive about the pleasure and the
want. You hug her hard as if you wanted to TELL her that you want her. She grabs
your hair hard and pinches your nipple. You bear the pain. She engulfs you in
waves. (Thats how it feels like). Her softness and tenderness almost brings
tears of joy to you. You wonder if you could ever cherish enough.

Masturbation would be a more economical and less riskier choice.
Why doesnt masturbation alone suffice?
Love.
I love myself. Isnt it enough?
No, you need someone you love and someone who loves you.
Why?
To share and to support.
To share and to support what?
Your emotions, feelings, victories, losses, health, wealth and life. You need to
be understood, you need to be associated with, you need to be related to and you
need to be listened to.
Why?
Because you are human.
So what?

You probably just rip off her blouse, remove your shirt and take off your socks.
She puts her hands around your neck totally giving herself to you in an altruist
manner. You get impressed and suddenly become gentle. You smother yourself with
her beautiful, warm, soft breasts. You suck her nipple and she lets you. You
feel secure and complete. You feel her love and joys of expressions in the way
she holds you, in the way she looks at you and the way she makes herself audible.
You slowly forget about what you want and begin to understand what she wants.
You unconsciously start GIVING pleasure and stop seeking pleasure. Unknowingly,
her pleasure gives you MORE pleasure.

Everything produced needs to be consumed. Matter has anti-matter.
Motion tends towards rest. In the absence of external forces everything is taken
over by inertia. Universe has a tendency towards balance and inaction. Universe
expands only to collapse. Sun burns only to get cold.
What is that to have with sex?
Balance.

She goes through the same transformation. She starts GIVING you pleasure. Your
pleasure becomes hers. You port yourselves to a new zone, where you get 'attuned'.
Her sweat gets licked by you. Your ear gets chewed by her. You taste her, smell
her, feel her, see her, listen her and understand her. You express all these.
You lick her clitoris or say she is gorgeous. You bite her nipple or put a finger
in her navel. She does the same. You enter her. A miraculous connection happens.
Its a combination of seeking pleasure in unison and being understood in unison.
At the zenith of that moment you become one. You melt into her and she melts into
you. Seeking pleasure becomes giving pleasure. Understanding her becomes being
understood.

Balance is the key to this universe. Predator has a prey. Everything you have
seen in this universe is a journey towards a balance. Days, nights, rivers,
moon, sky, stars, gravity and nature. Humans have an ability to 'think'. When you
think, you create something that was not there before. It either needs to be
manifested or consumed. Your thought then has a NECESSITY to be expressed and
understood. You are your perception, in other words, you are what you 'think' you
are. So, you need to express yourself and you need to be listened, you need to be
understood and you need to be appreciated.
Why do I need to be appreciated?

Some people call it orgasm in unison. Some people call it love. You dont know
when it started or how long it lasted. You dont feel bad that its over. You feel
good that you have reached there, together. To your surprise, she holds you much
closer and stronger. She gets more emotional. You try to grasp some breath while
hiding your face in the contours of her neck. Her maternal instinct takes over
and you become her most precious thing. You hold each other, kissing each other
for a long time. You are not very sure about what has just happened to you
together. You feel more comfortable with her. You feel more secure with her. You
feel more yourself with her. You sense a certain divinity in that moment. You
fear that you might disturb that moment.

Because thats when your thought is 'consumed'. You 'think',
therefore you have a self image. The gap between your self image and your perceived
image is the imbalance. Water runs from the top of a hill to the bottom of a hill
to attain its balanced state. Thats where it feels good. The more the gap between
your self and perceived images the more restless you get. In other words, when your
thought is not agreed upon, you become restless. The less the gap, the better you are.

How do I know my perceived image is the same as my self image?

Appreciation or acceptance. Appreciation is saying to you that you are understood
and agreed upon. Your thought attains its balance. You attain your balance. That
is what you strive for through out your life. Sex is a great way of doing it.
Sex is a form of love.
I am just recalling our previous conversation with a little addition.

I love myself. Isnt it enough?
No, you need someone you love and someone who loves you.
Why?
To share and to support.
To share and to support what?
Your emotions, feelings, victories, losses, health, wealth and life. You need to be understood,
you need to be associated with, you need to be related to and you need to be listened to and
you need to be appreciated.
Why?
Because you are human.

Good bye. Thanks for the info. I am leaving.
Where are you going?
To find mine. By the way, just asking, have you created that magical one for me?
I dont want to waste my life looking for nothing.
Son, thats up to you to find.

The magical moment remains for some time. You look into her eyes, she looks into
your eyes. Both of you say,"I love you".